Male , 56-60

A Short Bio of My Past Few Years<br /><br /><br /><br />
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Several years ago, my career as a software developer went into the toilet primarily as a consequence of emotional problems and at least one unresolved guilt issue. I lost my home in bankruptcy and foreclosure. My ten-year marriage, which was childless and basically had been a marriage-in-name-only, came to an end at the time of the bankruptcy. <br /><br /><br /><br />
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For a few years after that, I lived with an alcoholic neighbor who gave me a room in exchange for cooking, shopping, and housekeeping. Not having much of a social circle, he was also glad for the companionship I provided. I lived off the proceeds from my bankruptcy and foreclosure, studying differential equations and chemical engineering when I wasn’t engaged in my duties. <br /><br /><br /><br />
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Then, my father (who had bought and moved to a farm with my mother in the Southeast following his retirement) asked me to come visit. Because of financial difficulties I had not been able to travel and in the eighteen years they had lived on the farm up to that point I had never visited them. Dad was fearful of his health and he wanted to see me before the opportunity passed. <br /><br /><br /><br />
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At age 57, then, I moved in with my parents. Being in their eighties, frail, and living out in the sticks (nearest town of any size about 18 miles away) they were glad to have my assistance. Since we are frankly a family of messies, I was able to keep busy (when not studying) by cleaning up the place (at least as far as they would permit me) and taking stuff to second-hand stores, recycling, or landfill. I estimated I took a total of about two tons out of the house before the effort tapered off. <br /><br /><br /><br />
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During this time I also developed my addiction to online pornography. <br /><br /><br /><br />
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Well, my Dad’s fears about his health unfortunately proved prescient, and 13 months after I moved in he died quite suddenly. Since then I have lived out here in the sticks with Mom, who is now 90, each of us financially supported by our own modest inheritance from Dad. (Obviously it also helps that I don’t have to pay rent.) In that time, their dog (Mr. Dog, a Black Lab mix, seven years old, seventy pounds) and I have bonded quite closely, and Mom now considers him “my” dog. Apparently he does too. We also have cats, Cat Dude and Girly Girl. <br /><br /><br /><br />
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I wish I could say I have been diligent in studying and preparing for a new career. I have made a little significant progress, but I have been very severely hampered by my addiction to pornography. It is extremely, incredibly time-consuming and has proved an incredibly powerful, incapacitating curse. I have found it to be as vile and powerful as any substance abuse. <br /><br /><br /><br />
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This has left me highly frustrated and very disappointed in myself. I have come to respect myself, or perhaps more accurately, my abilities. I have been a member of Mensa, I am considered both by myself and others to have a powerful mind and exceptional mathematical abilities. As I was being dismissed from (yet another) job, a supervisor remarked that he considered me “borderline genius.” He had no reason to flatter me, he was just shooting straight from the hip. <br /><br /><br /><br />
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I also have strong technical abilities, including engineering science, particularly thermodynamics and related fields, and abilities in system analysis and simulation. Although I lack the academic credentials (I have a Bachelor’s in Fluid-Thermal Engineering, and a very incomplete Ph. D. in Chemical Engineering at Berkeley), I am quite confident I could teach an advanced undergraduate course in thermodynamics, and possibly even a lower level graduate-level course in that subject. And not just do it competently, but outstandingly. <br /><br /><br /><br />
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Obviously I am a supreme example of failed, wasted ability and potential. I do not like being like this, and I want to become useful, productive, and frankly, a blessing to Humanity. Some of the people I most admire have succeeded wonderfully in their chosen field, which I consider, for lack of a better term, to be Political Journalism, and I consider that they have strived to be the kind of blessing to the Nation and to Mankind that I would have liked to become. I am thinking of people like Chris Hedges, Rachael Maddow, Thom Hartmann, Al Franken, Keith Olbermann, Glenn Greenwald, Paul Krugman, Frank Rich, among others. Barbara Sher said, “It isn’t selfish to go out and do the thing you love. The truly selfish thing is to fail to go out and do what you love, to go to your grave withholding your gift from the world.” By that conception, I am threatening to be very selfish, indeed. <br /><br /><br /><br />
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My short bio would not be complete without also mentioning my spirituality, which I hold to be very central to my life. One of the most influential books I have read is The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck. I just want to mention that a short section at the beginning of the book, “Problems and Pain,” is the part that I consider to contain the most vital take-away for me personally. I consider my ignorance, and later, neglect, of the wisdom in that section to be one of the major contributors to my failure in life. <br /><br /><br /><br />
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I have been meditating fairly faithfully for roughly the past ten years. (I would rate my current degree of faithfulness about a C-, definitely a passing grade. I actually started much sooner than ten years ago, then left it off for over ten years before returning to it.) Over about the past two years or so, I have begun noticing distinct, positive changes in myself that I can attribute only to my meditation practice. Frustratingly, those changes have not included making much of a dent in my porn addiction problem. <br /><br /><br /><br />
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I have also developed a spiritual philosophy of life that I will not detail here. <br /><br /><br /><br />
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There is more to me, but I think for the time being this is quite sufficient. I feel that I have pretty well faithfully conveyed the flavor of how I see myself. <br /><br /><br /><br />
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To anyone who has read this, thank you very much for taking the time to learn about me. If anyone feels I have been too brutally honest about myself, I would like to paraphrase Nakedrhode (an EP member) and say that I would far rather be loathed for who and what I am than admired for what I am not. This sentiment did not originate with my reading that from him, but it certainly expresses how I feel. In this respect at least, I think it fair to say that Nakedrhode and I are spiritual siblings. Nakedrhode, I presume and hope I have not offended. <br /><br /><br /><br />
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There are three primary reasons I have chosen to put this out about myself here. First is a fundamental dedication to Truth, which I hold to be a vital, core spiritual value. Second is I do not want to pretend, or feel compelled to make dodges to try to hide my current situation (unemployed, and probably [presently] unemployable, and living with my mother, for example). Third, from the position of being able to present myself honestly, I would like to seek out and message with people who have their own issues. For all my life failure and impotence in dealing with my own primary issue, I am completely convinced that my life experience, and spiritual insights arising from my years of meditation practice, give me knowledge and wisdom that others may find helpful. <br /><br /><br /><br />
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I want to emphasize that I am not asking for anyone’s sympathy, but only for you to know who I really am, and for those who may be interested, to correspond with me for mutual support in fighting our own internal, spiritual battles. Right now, that is completely what I am about. Whatever help and support I may be able to offer you, I think I need your help and support even more, and I welcome anyone who desires such a mutual relationship.

Last Seen May 15
Member Since Sep 22, 2009
Favorite Quote Never pretend
  • 100% Jewish (Ashkenazi)
  • and a little German
  • and a little Lithuanian
Politics Very Liberal
Horoscope Capricorn
Special day
Books The Road Less Traveled, About Thinking
Music New Age, Classical, Soft Rock
Movies Shrek
Local Time July 29th, 12:33 PM

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