ladyether 31-35, F

it's bipolar , personality disorder hour in confessions!!!… [more]

to be able to say that I have transcended this heavy burden of human emotion, of human I AM DAMNIT!! SO LOOK AT ME!!. but I haven't. its ok that I haven't. I am working for it, I am moving forward, toward being able to let things pass through me instead of weighing me down. I am tired of the heavy load of pain I still carry. I have forgiven myself, and others who have hurt me..mostly. because they didn't DO anything to me. nothing I didn't allow. well, nothing I dint allow myself to believe.sometimes I have a firm grasp on this. other times...not so much, and I sink back into the self pity wo is me attitude. there isn't any reason for it, other than I am still on my journey to understanding.… [more]

i am scared. i am confused. i am sick on my stomach. i feel weak and strong at the same time. i feel like i am losing, when i am actually winning. i do not know what the future will be and that scares me most of all. almost 17 years in hell, and i am surfacing in a world that i am not really part of anymore. i had forgotten so much of who i was. i have remembered fragmented parts of me. i have learned how to smile. i guess those are important things. i want to think that they are. i want to feel safe. i want to be able to go to the store without a paranoid man having to drive me there because he knows that he has been awful and i am ready to run at the first opportunity. today will be the fi… [more]

i do, i really cannot stand a fake cryer. it has to be one of my biggest pet peeves. i mean really...why fake it? mind games are not a good thing, in any shape or form or for any reason. there is no situation where they are necessary. there is a beauty in tears, when they are true. some people will cry at the drop of a dime. not me. i have to be overly happy, sad or angry. ok i do admit....i cry when i watch horse races, or barrel racers, or rodeos. it just gives my heart so much joy. dunno why, doesnt matter does it? anyway! i told my husband im leaving. well he over heard a conversation i didnt mean him to. so first he goes into how im hurting him and blah...blah...blah..ugh. yea ok whatev… [more]