mikeshan02 46-50, M

Since my abuse when I was little, I have increasingly grown unable to feel emotions appropriately and in a "timely" fashion. Things that would make people laugh, cry, shout or sing don't affect me. Then well after the fact, I will note that I missed a very beautiful experience. I get depressed, but I realize I am emotionally blocked, constipated, dissociated, whatever you wanna call it. I have hurt and angered a lot of people over the years because of this.… [more]

I know it makes no sense to say, but I cannot stand who I am.  I have engaged in self-loathing and self-doubt for my whole adult life, as far back as I can remember.  I see fear, weakness, moral timidity, and dishonesty when I look in the mirror.  I can rationalize that I can't be as bad as all that, but beyond that moment of rationalization, I am emotional angered by myself all over again.  I can't really understand it, and don't know how to get over it.… [more]

I drink to escape; escape the pressures of family, work, getting up, going to bed, recovering from trauma, or just to be numb to myself. I come from a long line of alcohlic abusers. They were addicted to many things, but alcohol was the preferred agent. From a genetic point of view, drinking is like betting my life savings on roulette. Odds are, I would become addicted at some point. Yet I drank, partly because I didn't know any better. It was, after all, the coping mechanism I grew up around. Now it has become a problem because a six pack a week habit became a case a week habit. There were no nights where I wasn't at least a little buzzed. The funny thing is that I have always bee… [more]