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Two monthsI hate my mother. I have two months to find my own place and I'm terrified that it won't work out. I hate the idea of living with her for another two months but I have no where else to go. She's a drunk. I try not to think about it but she is. It's the only thing that explains her behavior. I'm so worried I'm going to blow it at my job because of everything going on at home. I feel like a prisoner. I feel like I'm being punished every day for being born. I feel like throwing up and crying and screaming every time I see her but she thinks everything is fine. She yells and tells me to go find another family one day and then I'm supposed to listen to her talk about some distant cousin's wedding… [more]
I hate my motherMy mother kicked me out of her house today. I have never felt like it was home. I have never felt comfortable here. I moved back in when I lost my job and she agreed to help me while I got back on my feet but it has been hell since day one. She yells about everything that I do or don't do. She bark orders like I'm some sort of minion. She accuses me of being ungrateful. She calls me a demon. She thinks that I am naturally pessimistic. She threw my brother out for similar reasons a few months ago. We've never gotten along. Ever since she divorced she lost her mind and uses that as an excuse to continue to be a *****. She was on prozac for a few years. She contracted herpes while she was sleep… [more]
sleep deprivedI need to rant a little bit each morning before I get started at work. i'm very destructive when i have down time. all i can think about is how I'd like to throw myself off a cliff or take a bunch of pills and never wake up again. today i learned this is called the thananos impulse, the death impulse. it's a word i've come across before but it's starting to stick now. the idea of a relationship is appalling to me. the idea of polite interaction is enough to send me into a blind rage. the oppressive monotony of public education is the closest I've come to mortal combat and i can't imagine army service being much different. there is so much yelling going on around me from day to day I feel lik… [more]