When I was born until this month I have been told that I am a male and I believed that for a very long time. But I have known for a long time that I was different but didn't know how or why. I have a lot more female qualities then I do a natural male. I am more feminine than not. Recently I had an inner struggle to who I was or was not. Meaning that but I noticed that I am a female that is trapped inside a man's body. But at the same time I am attracted to females. Which is the most painful realization that not only I am a female but a lesbian. But all who know me and met me in person see me as a male. I have a very low self esteem and so if I were to tell anyone about how I feel like me being a lesbian my self esteem would drop so much more. So that is the reason why I have decided to live both genders. I also wouldn't have to come out, go through therapy, and go through basically 2 years of surgery to make me feel more like I am and I could basically keep this "underground" and remain safe so I wouldn't become another Chrissy Lee Polis and get beat up for being who I feel I am in the inside and lose my friends and family. If I were to transition my parents whom I love and respect would totally cut off all communication and disown me. I feel it isn't their fault that they wouldn't understand they are from a totally different generation that doesn't understand or grew up with the term transgendered and plus they are old fashioned, extremely conservative and Christian. I too am a Christian which makes it even harder for me to come to terms that I am transgendered. But recently I told a friend of mine about me being a lesbian and she has excepted it and is helping me deal with it. It also helps that she too is a lesbian and she told me that she thinks she is a male.
- a little German
- and a little Irish
- and a little French
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