Soulartgirl 18-21, F

I'm confused. Extremely confused. Just the situation and my feelings are confusingI started to get to know this guy who's actually my brother's friend, around now 2-3 years. The weird part is, we're more friends than my brother and him are. We've grown closer from the first time we met. Now we're writing to each other everyday constantly. I don't even talk to my best friend that much.But yeah, he knows all my secrets. The abuse, the ups and the downs. And he has supported me. I think he's really helping me get passed it, without even knowing it. He knows of my ex. Recently we found out he knew the guy too. They were friends as well, apparently. He knows how my ex has treated me. He knows tha… [more]

When I was a 13 year old girl, I used to write in my journal. Writing about my crushes, my life. At 15, I started writing about a guy  was talking to, and how I  met him on a thursday. How I got my first real kiss, which was nothing like I expected. How he forced himself on me that same day. How I couldn't fight him off. How he said he loved me the first time we met. How we met again nearly every Thursdays. How I started to fall in love with a guy who raped me. How all I needed was to feel loved, and he gave me that. How I stayed with him for 7 months until, I figured out he cheated and didn't want me any longer. How some guy started to say, I was easy to get in bed. How I missed him. How I … [more]

I don't want to live like this anymore, doubting myself and living in guilt...I want to forget. And I think drugs might help. I know someone who has weed/hash on him all the timebut he's my big brother's friend - who also consider me as his sister . He might not give me any or he might tell my brother..What do I do?Maybe I can drink myself asleep. Then I could concentrate on something else than the guilt i feel all the time.I can't seem to please anyone. When I don't, I can feel the disppointment coming from them.I need a break, but I can´t seem to find it anywhere.… [more]

I wish something could just not saying anything and take me away from this world, from this life. I feel suffocated all the time. By guilt. I want to die right now and just forget everything. I would do it in a heartbeat, right here right now. But I can't. I can't because if I took my own life that would be an embarrassment to my parents. To my family. I can't run away, that would be a more embarrassment to them. I can never please this world. All I can give is disappointment.… [more]