UltraHighMonarch 26-30

I often fantasize about being severely physically tortured and traumatized, sometimes to the point of near or complete death. Being a masochist, I find that pleasure and pain are indivisible, but my fantasies are extreme. I wonder how I can be such a happy person and find such extreme pleasure in such chaotic stuff. Things that most people find scary turn me on. I welcome those so called scary things into my life all the time and enjoy them. Perhaps that is why I AM such a happy person. I don't fear anything so fear cannot control me. I control the fear. Dixi.… [more]

First of all this is not a confession. For me "confession" is done to absolve guilt, and the only thing I'm guilty of is being an emotional anomaly. There's no easy way to explain myself in that way, but I have, and it's taken the past four months to write down in a self-made "owners manual", which started out as a journal written in an attempt to better understand myself, by listing trial and error procceses in my own personality development. It basically a book on my strengths, weaknesses, likes, dislikes, and tricks of my personal trade in monarchy. Monarchy is a secret within itself, and it's contents could be used to take complete at atvantage of me, and my personality. I made this book… [more]

I often find myself lost in utter confusion set on by splits in my personality. Most people simply can't understand what its like to have no recollection of past experiences and moments that just slipped by. Losses in time also leave me disoriented and fearful of what I or they may have done. The only way i can keep track of my se7en personalities is to keep a log or journal of any significant change or experience in my life, otherwise I'll be lost as to what happened until that persona resurfaces again. It can become messy at times but with the help of certain medications and therapy I've been able to stabilize my "moods". So things aren't always that bad.… [more]

I've been going through phases in recent years. Some were good. But most were bad. I guess I learned how to completely disconnect myself in ways that kept me from knowing what was really going on in my life. I was living in a fantasy that was comfortable to me. There's allot of things that made me feel this way and even worse made me feel ok about who and what I was. Things look diferent to me now because they are different I've been allowed to spread my wings for once and achieve flight in true happiness. I look at things in a lighter side and it's all beautiful to me. My mind feels stable for once and contoling it is easier for me to do because I've left behind the leash of insanity. I l… [more]