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I am a 30 year old woman ...

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Anonymous User

Posted by Anonymous
on February 6th, 2008 at 10:11 PM


I am a 30 year old woman and i am lost. about a year ago me and my husband found out we were pregnant, it was AMAZING, we were so happy.We had been trying since we got married 3 years ago.We did all the things soon to be parents do,we read every book about babys,we bought a bunch of stuff,we finished a room in our house as a nursery.We found out it was going to be a boy...a little boy, so amazing,my husband was expecially excited. I had a baby shower and all my family and friends gave me gifts and we talked about the future and how excited i was to have a boy.The due date came and we went to the hospital, everything seemed fine but i noticed the baby wasnt kicking at all,or moving or anything! We got real scared and after some tests the doctor came in and said i was having a stillbirth.THE BABY WAS DEAD. We were crushed,i started crying and my husband just walked out of the room. I started to yell at the doctor that i wanted it out now, he said i just needed to give birth to it naturally. I felt like i was going to die. They said they were going to give me something to induce labor. Minutes turned into hours, it was unbearable to know all my future hopes and dreams were gone. I watched excited family members rushing through the halls of the hospital to see new babys and i heard a man yelling..."ITS A BOY!" That made me so mad! My husband came back in and just sat down in a chair.We didnt say much, i just cried. Then he got on the phone and started calling people not to come to the hospital. I started having pain and i was basically in a panic attack. I kept asking the nurses to ask the doctor if i could have something for pain. Hours went by and i got nothing....i started yelling for them to give me some morphine or something. I heard the nurse telling someone she thought i was a drug addict...OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!MADE ME SO MAD!!! i have never even tried pot before!! IT was a mightmare. Finally 36 hours later of having my dead son in me i got him out. I didnt want to look at it, my husband left the room again after i was done,he wouldnt look either. The nurses said it would help with the grieving if we said our goodbyes. Once i looked i broke down, in the middle of this they had the nerve to take my picture with it...i didnt want to remember this event in my life. I was exhausted. They finally gave me stronger drugs and i went to sleep I slept for about 14 hours in the hospital.When i woke up it was dark and i was alone. My husband was gone and it was just me,i got the most intense feeling of depression in my life come over me in a wave, cant explain it in words. The rest of the stay was a blur. After that life was just not the same, me and husband didnt talk to each other for a while and i cried alot. I had family calling me and telling me that it was time to get over it or i was going to drive my husband away and ruin my marriage. 2 months ago my husband filed for divorce and i am living in a small apartment by myself. My family calls me every once in a while or they send one of my friends to tell me its time to get back into dating and build another life. My x-husband is a real *** hole, he says i ruined everything for him. I think it is the general consensus of my family that it was my fauly because i couldnt get over it as fast as they all did. I take xanax alot and sleep these days. For some reason i cant look at my own vagina,dont ask me why but i feel like it has gone bad if that makes any sense. Bills have been stacking up and i have been living off credit cards,i have yet to get whatever money i will get in the divorce for some reason.I dont know...i dont care...i just want to be numb. The xanax really helps and i think if it wasnt for that i would kill myself. (i get them from a doctor and take them exactly how prescribed) im not a addict. Anyways, the last year has been ups and downs...well really one up and then a horrible down. I just dont know what happened. When i see a mother with her baby i get so mad, i feel like i could get up and just punch the woman and take the baby for myself. I feel like i am owed one.I ventured out of my apartment for the first time in a while to get something to eat at a restraunt and i saw a woman breastfeeding and it just set me off...i started yelling at her and ran out without paying my bill. Im just so lost.and i know it will never be alright

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13 Comments (add your own)

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  1. journeyfulloflaughter - 26-30 years old - female

    Posted by journeyfulloflaughter on February 6th, 2008 at 10:17 PM

    ((((((hug))))))))
    i am so sorry to hear about your pain.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  2. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 21st, 2014 at 2:33AM

  3. Confused1990 - 16-18 years old - male

    Posted by Confused1990 on February 6th, 2008 at 10:42 PM

    hey i am sorry about that I dont think i could never understand how that feels and those nurses and doctors should just get bad luck but screw them and your husband is a **** blaming you for something you had no control over and i hope you feel better and you know but this is just a suggestion but even though its not your own kid you can always adopt you know it can be a baby too or any age but that could be idea but yeah sometimes life is a ***** and it can make us feel like we want to die but keep your chin up wipe the tears away look forward and take the plunge cause life will give you a bump or a big *** pothole to get through and im here for support if you want any :)

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  4. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 21st, 2014 at 2:33AM

  5. angbaby - 41-45 years old - female

    Posted by angbaby on February 6th, 2008 at 11:07 PM

    If God brings it to you, He will get you through it. I am very sorry for your loss, honey. I feel so helpless, here, after I read your confession. I will say a prayer for you. Just trust Him and things will get better...Just turn everything to Him..over and over...He will answer you...

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  6. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 21st, 2014 at 2:33AM

  7. Flutterbies - 26-30 years old - female

    Posted by Flutterbies on February 7th, 2008 at 10:17 AM

    omg I am so sorry, I feel terrible for you. I cannot believe your husband would not support you, that is outrageous to me. I hope that you will be able to heal from this tragedy, ( i say heal, not "get over it"). Its so sad that your family is behaving the way they are. If you ever need someone to talk to or just someone to listen, you can message me anytime, I will always write you back and try to help anyway I can.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  8. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 21st, 2014 at 2:33AM

  9. augustrose - 36-40 years old - female

    Posted by augustrose on April 9th, 2008 at 4:23 PM

    Don't let anyone tell you how you should feel. When you are ready to date you will. They have no clue, how it feels to go through the hell you did. It was not your fault. I'd be tempted to tell them where to shove it if it were me. Take your time, take care of yourself, and those who don't understand should take a long walk off a short pier. (((hug)))

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  10. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 21st, 2014 at 2:33AM

  11. MichaelsWidow - 41-45 years old - female

    Posted by MichaelsWidow on October 9th, 2008 at 7:55 PM

    Oh, that is so sad. I'm so sorry for you. Grieving is the hardest thing there is. While I don't in any way mean to reduce the experience you had, I do hope that someday you have another child to love and raise. You deserve a child to love.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  12. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 21st, 2014 at 2:33AM

  13. babyjerry - 48 years old - male

    Posted by babyjerry on December 22nd, 2008 at 9:35 PM

    Hi there, This is BabyJerry I am a adult Baby looking for a mother to Baby me again The Sympathetic come because when I see a mother with her Baby I wish I could be that baby mother still I know your really Baby boy is not with you now But he is in heaven and God taken care of him. I find out before I was act born my really mother had a stillbirth too. I am still a adult baby to this day and I love it very much I very sorry you as a mother last your first one but you can be close to me if you would like. and Please start trying to get off of those strong drug and start living again because live is to short not to get on with you life Thank You for your Sad story I would love you as you are Your Baby Friend Jerry Scott Please email me at jerryscott2525@msn.com if you would like to talk on my shoulder Thank you

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  14. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 21st, 2014 at 2:33AM

  15. pusherseven - 41-45 years old

    Posted by pusherseven on February 5th, 2009 at 8:41 AM

    I say these thing because I think it may help better then just sympathy.
    Don't hate your own body, you're beautiful, your vagina is beautiful.
    Don't hate other women with babies, it wasn't their fault, but I can easily imagine that feeling.
    It was okay not to see yours if you didn't want to. All is forgiven and it doesn't mean your love is no less; your love is and was just as great if not greater.
    Find a slow way to be accepting of mothers and their kids and kids in general, but it will be slow and uneasy at first.
    Find a way to love yourself again and please yourself again. You can't begin to love others until you start to love yourself. Take it very slowly, but have a plan; a slow gentle plan.
    Ignore any blame, negativity, or the like from anyone no mater how close; they don't mean to help you anyway; ignore them.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  16. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 21st, 2014 at 2:33AM

  17. polleke - 36-40 years old

    Posted by polleke on February 16th, 2009 at 10:08 AM

    I hope you'll find yourself again and try to enjoy life! It's a once in a liftime experience.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  18. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 21st, 2014 at 2:33AM

  19. tessagirl - 18-21 years old - female

    Posted by tessagirl on February 19th, 2009 at 2:52 AM

    wow miss. this is a hardship to say the least. just know that a baby lost makes room for more opportunities. your ex being forced out of the picture happened for a reason and will OPEN new and better doorways. i know this must be extremely hard, theres a cloud over your head, no one's advice helps, there's no hopes, you have regret, you feel bad, family doesn't even understand, your psychologic burdens are inexcapable, it's difficult to find joy and the meaning of life is absent. i'll tell you i had an abortion and am ever so happy i did not have to go through what you did, but mine is a measure of yours. i felt the above feelings for so long but learned to forgive the situation, lift it up to god and know that i have lived only a quarter of my life and had maybe 3 large things worth sobbing over. we will live for nearly 100 years, but the condition of our heart and relationship with god is key to the kingdom of eternity. smile, chin up, seek life just as before, try and remember, meditate, breathe and you'll bo okay...promise. it may take years...you'll get there! take care honey

    Reply | 2dislike | Flag

  20. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 21st, 2014 at 2:33AM

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