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I am miserable in my relationship

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Anonymous User

Posted by Anonymous
on October 10th, 2009 at 7:41 PM

I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 2 years.  I'm divorced, and met her about 8 months after the initial separation, without a lot of dating in between.  It started out great, we both have a lot in common and made each other happy.  After about 6 months or so I started to get restless, and some cracks started to show.  She is 34 (I'm 33) and had some difficulty in finding a good guy.  Now that she has met someone reasonably normal, she is holding on tight (very tight).  Sometimes I feel a little suffocated by the relationship, and I feel like she has given up a lot of her independence, which is something I value and want my other to value too.  She also looks up to me a little too much (her words), and i feel like she avoids sharing an opinion about something to mine, or tones town her initial strong opinion when she hears I feel differently.  I enjoy taling about politics and world events and like really engaging, thoughtful conversation, but she has different interests and lacks passion.  This isn't what I want in a girlfriend, and I feel like I am drifting apart from her. 

I am feeling a lot of guilt over my desire to break up, mostly because she is so sweet and good to me and also because her biological clock is ticking loudly.  I have a tendency to rather suffer in silence than make a tough decision that benefits me, when that desicion will also cause pain to someone else.  I'm very empathetic and find it difficult to cause pain.  What's happening instead is I passive-aggressively withdraw and become lethargic.  This is what happened in my first marraige. 

I'm scared that this is going to keep repeating with every relationship until I die.  Part of me thinks I'm just crazy, should listen to my head and settle down since she is so wonderful to me.  Maybe it's just a phase and I will get over it.  I don't feel like i have time to just sit on this though, since if she wants to have a baby she should find someone else soon. 

I feel selfish and miserable, like I only care about myself and my own needs.  Any advice is appreciated...

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  1. elly40 - 41-45 years old - female

    Posted by elly40 on October 10th, 2009 at 7:59 PM

    try thirty days apart for any reason, no contact....for thirty days...and on your return, re-evaluate the situation and make the decision then. a 'business trip', a relative's extended sickness, secret agent deployment...which might be hard to work around jobs..

    or just sit her down and say,

    "Weve grown very close, and I dont mean to cause you distress or pain, but i need some time away from you to decide if this relationship is right for me, or weather we should be considering moving in different directions, so I want to take a month without contact and re evaluate then, and i think you should use this time to do the same."
    and when she asks "why?"
    tell her exactly what you told us.
    Honesty, as honest as you can be at least, in a long term relationship is essential for its quality and survival. EVEN if you are a selfish person, selfish people can be in great relationships if they lay it all out on the table and the other person says "i dig that about you". otherwise, yeah, it would be pretty miserable.
    theres my two cents..for all its worth :) good luck!
    (and also, for what its worth, i didnt come up with it. i got that advice from a marraige therapist a long time ago)

    Reply | 2dislike | Flag

  2. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User May 22nd, 2015 at 11:02PM

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