I have to say I haven't had the happiest childhood. I grew up pretty normal, except that I am closing myself up from other people. At work, I am always the smart, reliable, know-it-all, mysterious career woman. None of my work colleagues ever know what I am doing outside of work (which is basically go home & read books or watch TV).
I have always lived by myself and I prefer it to stay that way. I do not have any friends AT ALL, they always drifted away mostly because I cannot bring myself to open up to them. Being alone makes me feel comfortable, this is the way it has been, and it's the way it will be for the rest of my lives. I feel content & peaceful when I'm alone. And I know I'm living a boring, yet stable life.
Then recently, I met this guy who is a complete opposite of me. He's such an open, cheerful, & lovable soul. He told me things about him that make me wonder what I did to ever deserve his stories. Before even realizing it, I told him about my past and my feelings, things that I never shared with anyone in my life. He listened to me quietly & intently. I did not know why, but I got very anxious that my teeth started clattering as I told him those things. If he realized it, it didn't escape his face.
Then he didn't contact me for 1 day, which is strange, but I figured as much. I knew I am too messed up in the head, and no one would ever get close to me if they know who I really am. However, the next day he came knocking on my door, and brought the most beautiful flowers bouquet I have ever seen, the first flowers bouquet I ever received in my life. He apologized many times because apparently he was chased up by his project's due date. Then he said he needed to go back to it, and will contact me again tomorrow.
I managed to keep a straight face in front of him. Then after I made sure he's out of sight, I ran to the bathroom and cried my heart out. I had not shed a tear in over 10 years, and I didn't even know why I cried over something as silly as a bunch of flowers. Then as promised, he showed up in the next day. We hang out a few times as friends. And I felt things that I never experienced before in my life, I got butterfly in my stomach when I received text message or phone call from him, I got hopeful, disappointed, and all these unknown emotions.
Then, comes the decision time. He asked me if we can go steady (as in boyfriend and girlfriend), and he said he will not take no for an answer unless I had a very good reason. The question caught me off guard, and I told him I would think about it. I went home, and as I thought about it, I got anxious again and my teeth would clatter. I am afraid. Of what I didn't know. I thought about it again and again, and as I did, I would feel so anxious that my teeth didn't stop clattering. It got to me so bad that I didn't do my job properly, I did clumsy things that I could not even imagine myself doing.
Then I found out what it is I am so afraid of. I never showed my vulnerable self in front of others, mostly because of what happened in my childhood. I never showed to others that I am in fact a weak pathetic creature, and I have always worn this 'strong woman' mask. I have managed to fool everyone so far. Everyone but him. I let him in behind this mask. I am in fact, afraid of becoming weak and vulnerable because of him.
I know that if I say no to him, I would go back to my stable and comfortable life. As boring as it might be, I know what lies ahead, and I will not need to feel afraid like I do now. I know that in fact, I am incapable of making others happy, and that also means I cannot make him happy. He deserves so much better than me. And I know that letting him go will be the best decision and it will give him a chance of meeting other woman that can truly make him happy. And these reasons will be enough for me. I am very ready to let him go, but there's a part of me that wants him to stay. He is still waiting on my answer, and I really do not what to tell him.
Should I keep walking on this familiar path or should I enter the unfamiliar territory?
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Posted by missjudy on November 7th, 2009 at 4:48 AM
if you have not had sex with him girl do so! then either dump him or keep him on your terms dont get sucked into a big emotional roller coaster type arrangement. if you no what i am talking about? best of luck
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Posted by havochound on November 7th, 2009 at 6:34 AM
Well the person above me seems to have the picture of a pomeranian to hint their capacity, or just ill nature. Which is odd because sex, for a good amount of people including you i'm sure not ever letting anyone in close, would it self be a emotional roller coaster.
Aside from just not listening to um... "missjudy": first if you tell him those are the reasons you are going to deny him he will not except them most likely, I know I wouldn't, but then I never take no, as do most guys at this point. He would be getting in the relationship by his own decission so you must be making him happy in one way or another and if he's deluded then it's his own fault. Really I just think your making up excusses because you are scared. It is compleatly uderstandable, change can be scary and even the people that want to be hurt still don't want to be hurt either physically or mentally (this case mentally). I really suggest you give it a shot, chances are you will get hurt badly, and chances are it won't last forever, but do you really want to die without experienceing this side of life? If it helps would you like to know my greatest emotional defence? I hide as close to nothing as I can, it's simplicity is amazing. I don't expect it to work for you without practice but mind you realizing human beings are of the same fabric we are composed by the same things just in diffrent ammounts; we are all weak there is no need to feel so vulnrable
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Posted by ablankcanvasaloneinthedark on November 7th, 2009 at 7:17 AM
agreed (with havochound...deffinatley not "missjudy"). i know exactly how that feels. when you said "i knew i was to messed up in the head, and no one would ever get close to me if they knew who i really am" i almost cried. its kinda comforting to know that you found a guy who accepts you no matter what. i say go for it. in the end it might hurt, but love is worth it. and you obviously make him happy, or he wouldnt want to be with you in the first place.
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Posted by MyOwnPath on November 7th, 2009 at 9:53 PM
I am providing a different perspective from others, as I feel very similar to you as far as how you view people. I am also a loner with trust issues. My gut response to this situation would be to take it slow, to be friends for a while before adding sex to the mix. Many people will say to you, just go for it, what do you have to lose, blah blah, but in fact those who have already isolated themselves from the world are indeed more vulnerable. Make sure he has your best interest in mind. There are men who salivate at a needy isolated female because she is easier to manipulate and abuse. Please don't take these words as negative, just cautionary.
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Posted by Armelle on November 7th, 2009 at 11:39 PM
Seems to me that you want to start something.Moving on it's not easy and taking a chance on someone is always a risk but...You'll never know if it was worth it until you do it.Don't let your past and whatever happened to you continue to dictate your behavior today , otherwise they won...
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