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Alterede - 51-55 years old - male

Posted by Alterede
on January 30th, 2010 at 9:04 PM


When I was a younger man I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted. I thought my wife was my soulmate and that as long as we were in this life together we could accompish anything, overcome any obstacle. About 9 years ago at a time when I was out of work( or at least  overly underemployed I fell into despair. I was so worried that we would lose our house and with 4 kids that was not an option in my mind. I knew that collecting a life insurance policy would save my family home. I wrote a note explaining that I was going to die and make it look accidental..or death by misadventure. Sure enough my plan was rejected and the cops locked me up until I had a psyche evaluation. There was a meeting with my wife the next day on neutral ground. I was told not to come home right away. I sort of took that to heart and it was three years before I went home. My wife told me that she had only meant to stay away for a week or two. During those three years my wife had gained an admirable amount of self confidence and was in a much better place emotionally than when I left. We had not stopped loving one another. I went home for two years. During that time My wifes emotional state returned to a low point once again...Seeing that happen sort of screwed up my emotional state as well. Finally I realized that regardless of whether we still loved each other we were both incapable of making each other happy so I moved out again.  After another 2 years I realised that We needed to get a divorce. We didn't need lawyers because our divorce was not a bitter one. We still loved one another. I gave up everything . All assets I happily let her have. I miss my kids, I miss the life of a family man but that guy is long gone. It all seems more like a dream than a life I lived. I often wish I could find someone new to love and just as often feel unworthy of any love. Recently I have started feeling  a lot like I've lived too long. I feel like there is no point in staying on this earth. The past is dead and buried The present is Unsatisfactory and the future is something that other guy believed in. I don't know who I am now . 

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  1. BlogMom - 46-50 years old - female

    Posted by BlogMom on January 30th, 2010 at 9:30 PM

    You sound deeply depressed and need to see a doctor! There are medications that can help you get your life back! You should go on Monday to see a doctor asap!!

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  2. Alterede - 51-55 years old - male

    Posted by Alterede on January 31st, 2010 at 2:42 PM

    Thanks Blogmom
    I have done that. I go again Tuesday for a med adjustment or change. I was diagnosed with Dysthymic disorder about 7 years ago.( low grade depression lasting more than 2 years) Unfortunately I also have seasonal affective disorder so winter is hard. I have a SAD light which helps but Sometimes I get a "double depression". I have been through almost every med there is over the last 7 years. Many of them worked for a while but My resistance Would grow until I was at maximum dosage. Could be linked to a mis-spent youth( it was the late 60's and early seventies)No excuse for bad behaviour but It was pretty common back then

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

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