My brother died on Thursd...

All Confessions

« Next Previous » Category: offtopic Confessions

Anonymous User

Posted by Anonymous
on May 5th, 2008 at 7:43 PM

My brother died on Thursday. He shot himself in the head and I am left feeling empty and missing him. I keep telling myself that I did all that I could do but in my heart I just wonder if I could have done more. He sent me an Instant Message that said that the stress of the world had taken its toll on him and that he could no longer continue. I sent message after message telling him how much I loved him and asking him what had happened! He lives well lived in Maryland and I live in California. I called him and called but I could not get him to answer the phone. So I just kept sending the Instant Messages telling him how loved he was and that I would purchase a plane ticket so he could come out here and I would help him work through his issues. I called the crisis line in Maryland but he had recently moved and I could not get him to give me his address. Finally I sent an IM that said I was going to call the police on him and he answered his phone. He told me he was hurting and could not make it another day. I said everything I could think of to tell him. Finally he promised that he would accept the plane ticket and come out here until he felt better. I told him that I would continue to call every 30 minutes until the next morning and we would purchase the plane ticket. He told me that he would be going to his best friends house to spend the night and I was relieved. He PROMISED me that he would not do anything to himself. I believed him because he is my brother and we do not lie to each other. BUT he got off the phone and killed himself and I dont know what to think or to do.
I feel so hurt and lost and confused and I keep replaying our last conversations in my head over and over again. I MISS HIM SO MUCH!! ALL I want is my BROTHER BACK!! I just want to hear his voice and his laugh. I want to smell his cologne and I want to know he will be on a plane this summer for his usual visit! I have cried and screamed and cried some more and I dont know what else I can do. He was only 30!! I am flying out nxt week to bury the best brother in the whole world and my heart hurts!
Yesterday I felt this intense presence of my brother and I swear I could hear his voice and he was telling me that I needed to purchase a pregnancy test and I thought to myself "why would I need that?" but i swear I could hear my brother so I did what he asked me too and I took this pregnancy test and would you believe that it was POSITIVE!! Now my brother is gone and I am pregnant with a new baby! It is such a bittersweet moment. I am excited about the baby very excited but I have only had 3 days to mourn my brother!! I feel like i'm going crazy!! I just want my brother! I want to turn back time and save him!! I know I need to talk to someone which is why I am pouring my heart out here. I have been reading about suicide and I never would have thought it was so common. How am I going to get through this?! Will it always hurt this much?? Has anyone been through this? Please comment.
I love my brother!!!!!!!

Vote up! 310

766 Comments (add your own)

Sort By  
  1. sharonbrewis - 41-45 years old - female

    Posted by sharonbrewis on September 4th, 2008 at 8:38 PM

    get help and support urgently stop blamming ure self not ure fault it will take long 4u 2 get strong bless u and babe,S OK

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  2. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Apr 20th, 2015 at 9:23PM

  3. somestimeslost - 36-40 years old

    Posted by somestimeslost on September 7th, 2008 at 8:16 AM

    sorry for your loss
    no one will ever know why he felt he had to go
    up above the world so high hes now an angel in the sky
    a guardian angel he will be just watch the signs and you will see hes an angel in the sky
    as he looks down below he'll watch you all as you grow hes your angel in the sky.
    this is a little poem i wrote for my sister-in-law when my nephew killed himself 7 years ago. he was only 21. I know your heart is heavy with pain but think of the good times you shared and it will start to lighten up little by little.your in my prayers.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  4. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Apr 20th, 2015 at 9:23PM

  5. konohory - 16-17 years old - female

    Posted by konohory on September 7th, 2008 at 8:47 PM

    calm down my brother wants me dead but i love him to death you should just let him stay in your heart

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  6. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Apr 20th, 2015 at 9:23PM

  7. konohory - 16-17 years old - female

    Posted by konohory on September 7th, 2008 at 8:49 PM

    i'm sorry for what happened but you need to see you helped him more than anyone could he may have died but you helped him see someone cared

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  8. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Apr 20th, 2015 at 9:23PM

  9. Tws - 16-17 years old

    Posted by Tws on September 9th, 2008 at 3:40 AM

    I understand how you feel,
    My ex after 3days Killed himself. Only leaving a note Blaming me..
    I still ask myself Questions like.. Could i have done more to save him, What do i do wrong? If only i took him back..

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  10. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Apr 20th, 2015 at 9:23PM

  11. overdonenow - 31-35 years old

    Posted by overdonenow on September 10th, 2008 at 8:48 AM

    Yes, I have lost my sister to suicide. She was 26, a year and a half older than me. Her death nearly killed me.

    The other similarity is that my sister was living in Denver, and I live in California, like yourself. She was having severe depression problems while in Denver and I told her to move into my house with me and we could work on it together. (She had a psychiatrist in San Diego whom she saw for years as well)
    She moved into my house and it was a disaster. Because my father, brother and I had to close my father's 25 year old machine shop, and my parents supported her, she no longer was able to pay her rent at my house. I gently kicked her out to live back at my parents house where my father treated her very poorly. She and I barely spoke, and she distanced herself from me in general.
    Less than 4 months later, she was found dead in her car in the Anza-Borrego Desert after missing for a week. She attached a hose from her exaust pipe to the inside of her car. The autopsy listed the cause of death as "Rapid Carbon Monoxide Inhallation". She was 26 years old.

    I know the horror you are feeling all too well. If you would like to contact me, please do so by emailing My name is Amy. I'm 31, and I live in San Diego.

    I'm so sorry.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  12. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Apr 20th, 2015 at 9:23PM

  13. iwishiwereu - 22-25 years old - female

    Posted by iwishiwereu on September 12th, 2008 at 2:30 AM

    My heart goes out to you and your family, I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your brother.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  14. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Apr 20th, 2015 at 9:23PM

  15. quieroserprincesita - 22-25 years old - female

    Posted by quieroserprincesita on September 15th, 2008 at 2:33 AM

    I'M SO SORRY ABOUT YOUR LOST!!! i really am..i have thought about commiting suicide so many times.. i suffer from depression and many other stuffs.. i know people say is the easy way out. but is not! I'M NORE THAT SURE HE KNEW HOW MUCH HE WAS LOVED!!! i guess thats why he didn't said i am doing this now..cause he DIDN'T WANT TO HURT YOU!! he did it not cause he felt no one loved him but cause maybe he wasn't happy with life sometimes is wonderful to know you are loved like i'm sure he knew, but there are so many other things like how happy he was with his life? not every people that commit suicide its cause they feel unloved! AND YOU DID ALL YOU COULD!! DON'T FOR A SECOND DOUBT YOU COULD HAVE DONE MORE! YOU DID EVERYTHING YOU COULD!! many people that feel suicidal are not taken seriously and die. but he was heard, loved, he just didn't know how to stop his pain it was sooo much. and it WASN'T CAUSE HE FELT UNLOVED . i know you migth think i'm crazy hey what do u know about him? well i've been there ,on ur brothers shoes like many other people. SO REMEMBER HE DIDN'T DO THIS TO HURT YOU, HE WOULD HAVE WANTED FOR YOU TO REACH YOUR GOALS AND BE HAPPY! something he wasn't. remember all the happy moments you had together and not the bad parts. thats how he would have wanted you to stay in your heart. i send you lots of kisses and congratulations mommy to be! now you know your brother will be watching you baby too even if u cant physically see him.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  16. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Apr 20th, 2015 at 9:23PM

  17. rah07 - 18-21 years old

    Posted by rah07 on September 18th, 2008 at 2:20 AM

    Hi this is james here.This is very news u loss your brother.I think this is a good confession.

    Dui In California

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  18. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Apr 20th, 2015 at 9:23PM

  19. Diamond427 - 46-50 years old - female

    Posted by Diamond427 on September 19th, 2008 at 10:33 PM

    My only sibling, a brother, commited suicide several years ago. I was angry, and sad at the same time. Both our parents had passed away as well, and he was all I had as close family. He had a drinking problem, yet refused to seek help for it. My husband and I tried to get help for him, even offering to take him there and go through it all by his side. His pride would not let him accept anything. I am his "baby" sister, younger by 20 yrs...and in his eyes, still a kid. He went deeper and deeper into his habit, becoming less like the brother I knew, loved and respected with every episode. He was in pain from choices he made in his life, and from events he had no control over. I felt betrayed by him for leaving me, and depriving my young daughter and her 2 brothers that would follow, of an amazing, talented Uncle. None of my family, who all lived out of town, understood his addiction, and most refused to believe he took his own life. He was a golden child as a young man, and older members still saw him in that light. I needed him when rough times found me, and he wasnt there. I felt I had been deserted. Now, years later, I feel he is near me sometimes, perhaps a guardian angel of sorts and while the anger is still there, the love is stronger. He was a troubled soul who had no place to be happy in this world. I hope and pray he found that in the next place he went to.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  20. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Apr 20th, 2015 at 9:23PM

Experience Project is a community based on authenticity, support, and respect. EP encourages you to post with these values in mind.

Add your Comment


Post A New Confession