This is about my male friend. I do not fancy him at all. I tried to but it is not happening- his kind of facial hair I really do not like. Also - oh its no good, either its there or it is not. Last weekend he came round again and he cooked a meal, brought wine and flowers! How ideal and very nice. He wants us to take it further.
I was really anxious for days about this as I knew we had to have 'the talk' so as not to give him the wrong impression or mess him around. I don't know whether he loves me or not (I understand if he does not want to say if he is.) So he said we get on well, we have things in common, we talk a lot, we support each other, we had a nice day out and so on. He wanted me to sit on his lap and have a cuddle... I did not as that would be giving the wrong impression and messing with him. He asked me did I think we could take it a step further 'you would really enjoy it, I want us to enjoy each other, it could be so good' and so on and on and on!!
He is SO persuasive. I tried to say NO at the same time as being very considerate and saying what good friends we are and how I would hate to lose his friendship.
The problem is he is very persuasive, does not always listen and I have to repeat myself to him often. He also talks for hours and he can be very tiring to be with. He never gives up.
Should I put my foot down and risk the friendship ending? He is not taking no for an answer. What is the best thing to say when I have already said we should just be friends? I don't want to hurt his feelings or ego!!!
This is about my male fri...
Posted by Bluegrass
on May 19th, 2008 at 8:39 AM
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Posted by dyin2live on May 19th, 2008 at 8:49 AM
I have encountered people like that many times in my life. I too never have liked having to be blunt and hurt a guys' feelings, but I have found it necessary to do so (be blunt) on occassion. If the chemistry is not there, it is simply not there and there is nothing you can do to force it. But I know you know that. ;) He may be trying to force things as a defense mechanism...he may want things to work out for his own personal reasons. But honey you can't take responsibility for all of that onto yourself. You are only responsible for yourself and your reactions, not his. Be kind, but be firm. Sit him down and tell him up front you need him to simply listen to you and not interrupt. It is very important that you make sure he understands you are simply not "feeling it" before he gets too emotionally invested in this relationship. I feel for you--this is never a pleasant conversation to have but if it is done with kindness you should still be able to preserve the friendship in some way. (((HUGS)))
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Posted by cinfullynn on May 19th, 2008 at 9:00 AM
I absolutely agree with what dying2live said. They hit it right on the head. You are not responsible for their feelings. It is an unpleasant conversation to have but one that needs to take place. Your sanity and well being comes first. Let me know how you make out on this, it will be interesting....
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Posted by busyshopping on May 19th, 2008 at 9:28 AM
He is obviously not respecting your feelings. A lot of the time if a man fancies you he is not interested in "being friends". You can't make yourself attracted to him. Let him make the choice.
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Posted by Bluegrass on May 19th, 2008 at 10:06 AM
A massive thank you everyone!
He is SO VERY pushy. I tried to say it nicely and straight. I would not sit on his lap and give the wrong idea. But he still persists - he thinks I can change.
He has taken so much energy lately but has been very supportive of my court case. He really does not listen much and I have to repeat things. I tried to say I liked men taller than me or the same height, then he tries to talk me out of that. He wanted to know about the men I loved the most, I told him and its clear they are not like him.
He goes on and on about s-x and drops all these hints, subtle and not subtle.
How to get it into his thick skull?!?!? He is starting to make me annoyed now. I feel angry with him now and I really did not want that.
It may well be that the friendship ends if he cannot change. He seems to think I will change but I will never fancy him at all.
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Posted by Sweetheartxoxo on May 19th, 2008 at 10:30 AM
I think you just need to tell him how you feel, if he still pushes you, tell me you'll have to end the friendship if he doesn't back off. That's the only thing I can advise you.
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Posted by Longrun on May 19th, 2008 at 11:04 AM
Too many guys do not understand hints. Tell him flat out, this is the way you will be his friend, if he cannot live with those limits, well, there is the door and don't come back!
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Posted by Elwing on May 19th, 2008 at 1:00 PM
Honestly... If he's being that 'persuasive', though you've already told him 'no'... You should just stay the heck away from him. If he can't accept no for an answer, whether you're friends or more than friends, then you *definately* deserve better.
That's just my own opinion.
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Posted by Bluegrass on May 19th, 2008 at 1:34 PM
Thank you.
I do feel anxious again now- he might call again tonight. He calls too often, he is VERY pushy, persistent. I feel its not respectful.
Hints do not work. I have been so nice and caring as usual to save his feelings. I have been so fair, but he was saying that he thought I might change.
You guys make me realise I have to be assertive now and say it yet again -but differently.
No other man has been like this - so pushy and going on and on.
ITS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOUR.
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Posted by Bluegrass on May 19th, 2008 at 4:39 PM
He called this evening and I asked him what he remembered of what I said. He recalled it alright, but went on about 'sponteneity' and such like. I told him I had been anxious and did not want to mislead him. He says he wants us to still keep things 'open' - so he is not totally accepting it.
I told him that I had and have friends who happen to be men and its all fine. One I have known for 20 years is still a friend and we were never boyfriend/girlfriend in any sense at all, he was like a brother always and there has never been a problem.
Society can be so restricting if it says men and women can't be friends and that s-x is always on the agenda. I think we miss out on so much.
He thinks we would miss out on a lot but I doubt that.I think I was very gentle with his feelings. But I feel he will not give up. Never mind, he will meet someone compatible with him; he will be fine. Goodness knows I have been in that position myself!
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Posted by misasja on May 19th, 2008 at 10:45 PM
Yes, you should put your foot down. I've had/am having same annoying stuff going on with wonderful, great guy friends. I tried to be polite, avoid hurting them, let them know that I'm not available right now. They were going on & on & on, I was going on & on with my story too. Eventually I stopped picking up the phone or texted them that I was going through a rough time & I need some space to deal with my situation (it was all true, but it doesn't have to be in your case), etc. Technically friendships aren't lost because I could "come back" whenever I wanted to, I wasn't nasty to them. But I wouldn't want to "come back" because people who don't respect my preferences cannot be my true friends. I don't want any mediocre friends in my life. You may feel differently...
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