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I have developed an extre...

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Anonymous User

Posted by Anonymous
on May 26th, 2008 at 2:47 AM


I have developed an extremely unhealthy habit in my relationship with my fiance. Unbeknownst to her, I have installed onto our computer a key logging spy software which let me see all her activities and passwords. Since then, I have read all of her accounts: m y space, fa ce book, g mail, everything... I hate myself because I have read very candid and personal letters and correspondence between her and her ex lovers. Logically, I know that they have nothing to do with me b/c she didn't even know me then, but I still find myself incredibly jealous. I hate myself for lying to her like this. I have even found nude photos of her that she sent to her ex... I didn't lie to her in the beginning of our relationship, but now I feel more and more obsessed and it's awful! The spy program has been gone for a while, but the rest of the information from that program still exists. Today I will make up some excuse and tell her to change all her passwords so that I will no longer be able to keep these tabs on her, but I'm scared I have already done irreparable harm to the relationship. We are both attractive people and I have also had lovers before, so it’s not like there is a profound disparity in balance in the relationship. We are smart, I am well off and working. I will not tell her about my activities, but I have felt my soul being blackened by my actions. As of today I stop, but does our relationship stand a chance? I don't know where these insecurities come from; I really want to marry this woman. I do love her, and I know that what I have done is horribly wrong and misguided. We all have baggage and loose ends, but for my sake, I hope I can move past this... Help...

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14 Comments (add your own)

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  1. FiFiDelmar - 46-50 years old - female

    Posted by FiFiDelmar on May 26th, 2008 at 2:49 AM

    where are our comments?????

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  2. mikemcneil - 46-50 years old - male

    Posted by mikemcneil on May 26th, 2008 at 2:55 AM

    You ditched the "meaningless sex with the ex" bit from before...hahaha...now that is a sure sign of a conscience!

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  3. mikemcneil - 46-50 years old - male

    Posted by mikemcneil on May 26th, 2008 at 2:57 AM

    It's like living in Stalinist Russia now....you can't re-write history to suit yourself...well actially you can lol. Same advice, you have already gone too far to put the trust back in your relationship. Ditch the the negative emotions (jealousy, possessiveness etc)they are a waste of time!

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  4. FiFiDelmar - 46-50 years old - female

    Posted by FiFiDelmar on May 26th, 2008 at 3:01 AM

    stop doing it and never tell. if you continue, you will read something that you must comment on, then she will dump you like a hot rock. so stop doing it and erase from your mind all that you have read. don't be weak and question the relationship if you are stooping to this level. clearly, there's a problemo.

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  5. Anom1234 - 22-25 years old

    Posted by Anom1234 on May 26th, 2008 at 3:18 AM

    The reason I excluded the part about the encounter with the ex was because it really meant nothing. It was still early in our relationship, and while I know it was bad, I didn't owe my then girlfriend what I owe her now as a fiance. In terms of my problem at hand, I regarded that as superfluous and inconsequential to the topic at hand.

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  6. mikemcneil - 46-50 years old - male

    Posted by mikemcneil on May 26th, 2008 at 3:33 AM

    Fair enough, it's your confession so you can put what you want...I thinlk some people who commented first up were a bit frustrated their comments dissapeared though, that's all. I think the important thing here is trust, if you go looking for trouble you will always find it, I mean if someone monitored your computer stuff they wouldn't be too happy about this, would they?...once the trust is gone that's it, in my experience.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  7. Braveheart4real - 31-35 years old - female

    Posted by Braveheart4real on May 26th, 2008 at 7:42 AM

    If the messages that she issending are out of line I would question the relationship and if she sent him nude pics recently then hell yeah you have every right to feel jelous, hurt, insecure and betrayed you should be all that she needs I am not a fan of corresponding with an ex in that manner it's fine to be friends but don't cross the line.

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  8. Anom1234 - 22-25 years old

    Posted by Anom1234 on May 26th, 2008 at 8:03 AM

    All that stuff I found was all old. None of it was current. It was stuff sent while they were still together. So the jealousy is actually unfounded; more a matter of vanity or pride than anything.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  9. Imperceptible - 31-35 years old - female

    Posted by Imperceptible on May 26th, 2008 at 11:33 AM

    To be totally honest with you, I think that you have done some major damage to your relationship. You will not be able to get over what you have done or what you have read without letting your GF know about your dishonesty and I'm pretty sure that she will feel betrayed and may not want the relationship to continue. If you wanted to know something then you should have asked. Hacking in to her computer was an invasion of her privacy and that is something that is difficult for anyone to forgive. I’m sure that there are plenty of things that you have done in your past that she does not know about and that you would not want her to know about. You’ve made the choice to keep those things private but you robbed her of her choice when you invaded her privacy. It is inevitable that this is going to come out whether she finds out on her own or you blurt it out during some heated argument. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you have really learned your lesson. Jealousy can make you do evil things but most importantly it can play a huge part in loosing those that you love.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  10. Shaylon - 26-30 years old - female

    Posted by Shaylon on May 26th, 2008 at 7:23 PM

    There is a point where we are overcome with curiosity and there is a point where one has a jealous obsession and issues of control. There is a difference between accidentally finding information and actively seeking it and though it may seem subtle it can mean the difference between someone who is dangerous and someone who is snoop. Which category do you suppose you fall into? And do you think perhaps you should seek professional help? Jealousy of this sort can lead to rage and physical abuse once you take absolute control over her life.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

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