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I've been wondering if I should take a chance at an on-line relationship here in E.P.

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UnderEli - 41-45 years old - male

Posted by UnderEli
on September 23rd, 2010 at 6:06 AM


I stumbled upon Experience Project approximately eighteen months ago.  After a week or two of getting used to the site a few things occurred to me.  One was how this web-site could become prone to abuse by perverts and people who would take advantage of other member's good and honest natures.  I'd come across and heard about this happening around the internet.  And, indeed, I've had my share of run-ins with pervs here too.  It's just like normal life, I guess.  You come across one now and again, regardless of how well you try to guard against it.





Another thing I found interesting and wondered about was communicating and becoming friends with other people here.  Until I created my profile here I'd avoided communicating with people on-line, except through e-mail.  Not to denounce the ease of communicating so quickly with someone thousands of miles away; to me, the idea of developing anything more than loose acquaintances through messaging didn’t seem possible.  Combine that with my being a single man wanting to maintain healthy boundaries, vis-à-vis relationships, made the concept of engaging in E.P. pillow talk a dangerous proposition, and not only to myself.  I imagined there were more than a few gentle, fragile hearts here, longing for acceptance and understanding, who might jump too quickly at someone who would (seem to) provide these.  For the sake of everyone, I made a conscious decision to keep my interactions here platonic.


 


I haven’t stuck entirely to that conviction, but nearly.  I remember one woman in my circle becoming a bit enamoured with me, but nothing was ever said (messaged) explicitly between us, and she has since removed her profile from this site.  Another time, I and another member became infatuated after messaging a lot over a couple months.  But, while my feelings for her were genuine, I was too wishy-washy and uncertain about how well this could work when she lived on the other side of the globe.  She felt hurt by my excessive honesty – and why not? – and proclaimed (after two suddenly unpleasant message exchanges – one from each of us) that there were many fish in the sea, then cast off her mooring.  That was exactly the situation I’d wanted to avoid – becoming/perceived as a God-damned heel, a typical *** in an ocean of derrieres.  That’s how I felt for the next few days, anyway.  I’m okay now, but the situation with this member will never be fixed.


 


To come to the point, in the last month or so I have considered letting my guard down again, to being open to try and develop an on-line relationship -- possibly.  Like most people, I have my good qualities, but some bad ones too.  I’m pretty well balanced, am caring, honest, decent, and have a good heart.  Still, like I’ve heard so many other people lament on here, who would actually have me?  I’m my own worst enemy, recognizing and highlighting (to myself) my perceived flaws and past regrets, instead of all the good things I’d provide.  I’m also keenly aware of how far away I live from everyone, as I practically dangle off of Canada’s west coast.  A long-distance, on-line relationship supposes that we will meet someday – hopefully soon.  It’s not that which I have a problem with.  It’s that I just don’t know how I can carry through financially with such a commitment, no matter how much I may fall in love and want to meet a woman.  I’d better cover my butt here and assert that I’m not interested in hanky-panky with someone else’s wife.  For some strange reason I’ve received fan requests recently from members looking to ‘share’ their wives.  For God’s sake, guys, that is not me, so please don’t go there, okay!!


 


I feel like it’s such an enormous chance to take.  I’m not very confident about an on-line relationship’s chances to become a successful, meaningful, lifelong commitment.  But am I being so scared that I’m not even willing to give it a chance?  I have more contact with people here in EP (and when I talk about developing an on-line relationship I mean doing it with someone on this web-site) than I do in rl.  Doesn’t that make meeting a significant other on-line a distinct possibility?  I think, perhaps, I’m doing my typical thing of making too big a deal out of this, and being harder on myself than I need to be.  I should just make the decision, tweak my profile a little to reflect that change (Would anyone actually notice?  Probably not.), and just go with the flow, like I always do.  Let whatever happens happen, and take it as it comes, without anxiety, but as a normal, healthy development between two people who like each other.  Long before I was around such things developed through snail mail, making something like this practically (easy there, U.E.) a cake-walk by comparison.


 


Yadda-da-da, yadda-da-da, yadda-da-da, yadda-da-da . . .  I’ve rationalized the subject to death.  Actually, I probably haven’t.  I’m not that good a philosopher.  I think I’ll stop while I’m ahead, though.  To be or not to be . . . developing an intimate relationship here in EP -- that is the question that occupies my mind of late.  Thank God I have a place to out myself about stuff like this.

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9 Comments (add your own)

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  1. CosmicLucidity - 22-25 years old - female

    Posted by CosmicLucidity on September 23rd, 2010 at 7:06 AM

    I think the fear and emotion that you talk about translates to many things in life. You are an excellent writer :)



    Like most things in life, we need to take chances. Online relationships are strange. They are different to 'normal' relationships because there is so much missing, and so much extra. It is so easy to completely be yourself and be open and honest on the internet than in real life. Most of the things I say on here I could not say looking someone in the eye. In that sense it gives us courage.



    There is also that doubt though. When we read something written by someone else, *our* mood and judgments have a lot to do with how we perceive what the other person has written. Emails can be ambiguous, and some people find it easy to write things they don't truly mean. In love especially, this is a problem.



    There are definitely pros and cons to it. I think the most important thing is finding that person. When you find someone who is worth it, who understands you, then the rest flows. Taking that leap of trust is no different to trusting someone in real life. The emotion is exactly the same.



    I say enjoy yourself. Don't change your profile in any way - you are who you are. There are many special people here on EP. Don't hunt them down, let it come naturally and if it is meant to be, then it is. The simplicity of making that decision to be completely open to something new is enough to set things in motion, in my opinion.

    Reply | 4dislike | Flag

  2. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 19th, 2014 at 9:56AM

  3. BowieGirl - 22-25 years old - female

    Posted by BowieGirl on October 19th, 2010 at 7:55 PM

    Haha, yeah, you did rationalize it to death, omg! But I understand why. "Online relationship"... That term sends off alarm bells in my brain. You're dipping into dangerous waters here. Be careful that you don't get hurt, and don't hurt anybody. And Cosmic is right. Don't go hunting for it. If it's meant to happen, it will happen, whether with someone online or not. I would never set out to deliberately find an online relationship. I'm confused by this apparent aim of yours. Why do people search for love online instead of in real life? If you meet someone who you think you can love online, but you know you aren't willing to relocate or spend any money to be with this person, what's the point of looking for someone like that in the first place? People don't like game-players. Not saying that you are one, but you may be perceived that way if you start hunting for an online relationship without being sure whether you are willing to commit to one. I'm not saying love can't happen online, but it certainly isn't an ideal place to look.

    Reply | 2dislike | Flag

  4. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 19th, 2014 at 9:56AM

  5. UnderEli - 41-45 years old - male

    Posted by UnderEli on October 19th, 2010 at 11:24 PM

    Hee hee hee Thank you all for your feedback, and for pointing out how overboard I went. I have taken your comments to heart. Maybe I needed to write it out like that to keep myself from doing anything stupid? I'd like to think I wouldn't, but when you've been on your own for a few years my 'desperation' (I use the phrase loosely) can play tricks with my perspective. I won't be spending much time pursuing this after all, as I'm now pursuing something else worthwhile in my life: a new f/t job. I may even land a part-time job next week. I have to be careful not to overdo the work thing, but in the short-term it will do me good.

    Reply | 2dislike | Flag

  6. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 19th, 2014 at 9:56AM

  7. stillwithin - 26-30 years old - male

    Posted by stillwithin on October 20th, 2010 at 3:37 AM

    Umm. I'm no expert but cyber kisses might be all you'll find from this site. You might have a better chance at an actual dating site. At least you might find someone that wants what you do. You can always invite them to this site to chat as an alternative.



    :)

    I understand what you are implying though. I almost feel the digital flirty feeling sometimes. But I try to ignore it. I've met Bowiegirl on here.... I think she's really cool.... I'll read some of her posts and drop a comment now and then.... But I accept the fact that I'll never really know! lol

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  8. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 19th, 2014 at 9:56AM

  9. BowieGirl - 22-25 years old - female

    Posted by BowieGirl on October 20th, 2010 at 3:56 AM

    Never really know what....? :-o

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  10. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 19th, 2014 at 9:56AM

  11. stillwithin - 26-30 years old - male

    Posted by stillwithin on October 20th, 2010 at 4:18 AM

    You silly. lol

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  12. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 19th, 2014 at 9:56AM

  13. dementemi - 31-35 years old - female

    Posted by dementemi on October 24th, 2010 at 10:38 AM

    I get it, I get exactly what you are saying! I can relate to it all becaue Im the same. I go through the same process of analyzing everything to death, weighing up the pros and cons, not wanting to make mistakes but wanting to have a life and actually LIVE..... It has paralysed me often leaving me not knowing what to do.



    Something just changed within me this year. Im not going to be careless but I have decided I am going to stop living only in the past and the future- Im going to give myself the permission to live NOW. I 'm not a bad person. Im quite nice. Im caring, loyal, genuine, love to laugh, easy going and friendly. Im not overly ignorant or stupid. Why shouldnt I trust myself enough to not be so afraid of making mistakes?



    I'm still at the starting point of this realisation. I need to fill out the details and start making life happen. I dont want to be on the sideline of life anymore. I want to participate and be able to love. I want to find the kind of love where I have the freedom to not hold back and express it, show it, give it and believe it.



    I really enjoyed reading your story. Thanks! I just wanted to let you know how much I could relate to and 'get' what you were saying.



    sending you best wishes and good vibes.

    Reply | 2dislike | Flag

  14. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 19th, 2014 at 9:56AM

  15. UnderEli - 41-45 years old - male

    Posted by UnderEli on October 25th, 2010 at 4:59 PM

    Thank-you for your feedback, dementemi. Before logging back in I was wondering where those vibes were coming from. It's nice to hear someone else understands. Best of luck to you as well.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  16. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 19th, 2014 at 9:56AM

  17. MAGH2 - 26-30 years old - male

    Posted by MAGH2 on December 27th, 2010 at 5:11 PM

    I do not think an online relationship can really go pass friends with good feelings for each other. I meet an online girlfriend in person and things went wrong. You can break some one's heart and yours too. I would be at least extra honest with the person I meet if I want to be more thand just friends. I kind of like the movie "The Invention of Lying" I try to speak just like those two. That way everything is clear . =)

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  18. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 19th, 2014 at 9:56AM

Experience Project is a community based on authenticity, support, and respect. EP encourages you to post with these values in mind.

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