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Seeing the positive

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espressluv - 31-35 years old - female

Posted by espressluv
on December 19th, 2010 at 5:45 PM

So I got the apartment and I moved out.  When I told my husband, I just cried and cried.  I left to go back to this place where I was so excited to go, and I felt lonely.  I know that I may feel lonely for awhile, and that doesn't mean going back is necessarily the right thing, but I can acknowledge the loss of what 'could've been'.  

I went back to the house to discuss with my husband what will happen with the boys over the holidays (they are visiting their grandparents this weekend).  We ended up spending an hour talking about what this all means and what we could do for our marriage.  I don't know if I am being stupid and setting myself up for hurt and misery, but I told my husband that it took me leaving to see all the positives.  When I was still at home all I could see was the negatives.  When I told him on Friday, he didn't blow up and get vicious or nasty.  That was what I was expecting.  His actions with the kids also make me feel like there is some real change going on.  So I feel like a fool for giving up on a spouse who is trying hard to make changes, who is willing to go to counselling and to keep trying.  And he tells me how much he loves me.  So now I feel like I can't just throw that away.  There is too much good.

So even though this wasn't some sort of leveraging tool, or game playing on my part, I'm thinking that I will see if this marriage could work.  I will turn around and start moving back towards him.  And maybe this could be the rock bottom that gets him to stop being angry, stop the drinking, appreciate me and the boys.  But I am very very scared that nothing changes in the end.  I know he is scared too.  He is scared of being hurt too - of trying and having me say 'no, actually, it's not enough'.  And yet he still wants to try.  I just don't want to be that woman that keeps going back to her abusive husband because he is sorry and it will never happen again.  Just wish I had a crystal ball so I could see what might happen.  Or have the ghost of Christmas future come in the night to show me what happens!  :)

I"m sure I'll be writing a lot about this.  It helps so much!

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2 Comments (add your own)

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  1. espressluv - 31-35 years old - female

    Posted by espressluv on December 19th, 2010 at 6:08 PM

    Thank you both... just to clarify, we have been going to counselling and we are just committing to continue going, and yes, he has already come to the point where he admits that he needs to change and has begun that change (scottoc - the conversion point, I guess).

    But there is no way that I am moving back in. I just left!! I am trying to think about what is a realistic expectation at this point. I told him to call the counsellor and try and find a time soon to talk. I told him we can do a family night every week - him and me and the boys. I am not ready to 'date' him or anything like that. But maybe we can get there. I have a glimmer of hope in all this. But a great song once said - the circular light at the end of your tunnel is just a freight train coming your way. So I'm cautiously optimistic, but trying not to flip flop like crazy, cause it might just be terribly wrong.

    Sigh. Life.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  2. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User May 24th, 2015 at 12:48PM

  3. 6feetunder - 31-35 years old - female

    Posted by 6feetunder on December 19th, 2010 at 8:29 PM

    i feel you...if its space you need then so be it...if time then take it...

    you are your own person...

    im proud that you did what you did..

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  4. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User May 24th, 2015 at 12:48PM

Experience Project is a community based on authenticity, support, and respect. EP encourages you to post with these values in mind.

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