existential crisis

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CatalinaVanilla - 26-30 years old - female

Posted by CatalinaVanilla
on February 23rd, 2011 at 7:56 PM

Here it is: I'm not a failure, I'm worse.  I'm someone scared to fail so I don't even try.

I started realizing all this when I was smoking out last night and I had been too scared to write about it all day.  But now it's time to face it. I've lived my life halfway for many years now.  When I was in high school and beginning college, my life was ful of possibility.  My dad and teachers had me believing I could be anything.  The sky was the limit.  I got into a good college and life was limitless.  I was thin, people liked me.

Part of me still believes all that.  Under all this fat, depression, ambivalence, fear and listlessness, I am still all that possibility.  But I am scared to reach for it.  I'm scared that if I reach out for the stars, I'll fall trying.  I'm scared of how hard it will hurt when I fall.  Worse yet, I'm scared to find that there is no purpose to any of it, no God, no nothing.  I'm more scared of this than the plain failure.  What if I follow what I think is "my destiny" or "God's plan" for me (or whatever you want to call it), and there is no such thing?

The sad fact is that I'm comfortable as I am.  I've been living like this a few years since I gained the weight.  Yes, I complain, but I guess I'm not that upset about it or I would try harder to make a change.  I rather sit here and complain than try to become what I believe inside I can be because failing in that way would be much worse than the petty things I complain about now.

Oh God, I'm making no sense.  I know I'm not, but I'm not sure how express myself more clearly.  What if I try to become who I really want to become and I fail?  What if I suck at it?  What if I hope that the plan for me is to become a therapist and I go for it only to find I'm a terrible therapist?

I rather sit here in relative comfort and ease and make half-hearted attempts at being something more.  That way, if I fail, I have two good arguments.  I failed because I didn't try that hard, and, plus, these mini-failures put me back where I am, which, admittedly, isn't that bad.

I feel like I'm at the roulette table betting on both black and red.  Either way I know I'll win.  I just keep forgetting that either way I'll lose too.  Plus, what happens if I am on my deathbed regretting I didn't try harder?  Instead of "rosebud," my last words will be "what if I . . . ?"  And who wants that?

Please please share your thoughts with me.  I need help sorting this out.  I didn't realize it would be so painful when all the pieces fall together like this.  I'm sure there are more pieces I am forgetting.  Maybe I'll remember later.  Maybe writing and posting this is an attempt to reach up?

Vote up! 5

22 Comments (add your own)

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  1. Nunyabuziness - 26-30 years old - male

    Posted by Nunyabuziness on February 23rd, 2011 at 8:31 PM

    Nice cankle.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  2. TheSquirrel - 46-50 years old - male

    Posted by TheSquirrel on February 23rd, 2011 at 8:34 PM

    I have had many of the same symptoms in common with you over the years, expecially when I was in school. It would not surprise me if you have a depression problem. It is really worth it to get some professional help.

    Part of depression is the thinking habits we develop. Altering them is usually pretty key to affecting positive, lasting change.

    Another part can be thinking your current situation to be just fine, even though you know it is not. It's not so much comfort as it is knowing you can handle it because you are handling it already.

    As far as possibility goes, I have personally found that getting told you have so many possibilities open to you is more of a curse than a complement. Fortuanately, you know it's decision time, so you can close off the distractions (thoughts of the untaken possible actions) and get down to business.

    Remember this: It's always decision time. Every day. All day long. If you make the decisions that get you to something else -- not just away from where you are now -- and you practice that every day, all day long, you will get better and better at it. I would wager that you would see improvements you are proud of.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  3. Nunyabuziness - 26-30 years old - male

    Posted by Nunyabuziness on February 23rd, 2011 at 8:40 PM

    ^ told you so.............

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  4. 4uiseek - 41-45 years old - male

    Posted by 4uiseek on February 23rd, 2011 at 9:13 PM

    yah, i looked in the mirror too!  

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  5. CatalinaVanilla - 26-30 years old - female

    Posted by CatalinaVanilla on February 23rd, 2011 at 9:34 PM

    @ thesquirrel, thanks for the words of empathy, but the ending just made me feel more pressured. Where is that beer?

    @ jsp, thank you!

    I'm ignoring cankle and mirror comments

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  6. publius503 - 41-45 years old - male

    Posted by publius503 on February 24th, 2011 at 4:08 PM


    I think I know the paralyzing fear of failing. I experienced it myself. As a teenager, I was so afraid that a girl would reject me that I never even tried to ask. Eventually however, my desire for sex overcame my shyness. :) Eventually I also found out two things: first, that failures aren't the end of it all, and second, that I actually love challenges and the accompanying adrenaline rush.

    What is not worth is pondering about the chances you have left out or rejected already...

    And funny you brought out the weight issue. I do know a couple of women whose only achievement in life is that they can still wear the dress they wore at prom. You would never get that shallow, would you? :)

    Reply | 2dislike | Flag

  7. CatalinaVanilla - 26-30 years old - female

    Posted by CatalinaVanilla on February 24th, 2011 at 4:21 PM

    My prom dress will never see the light of day again LOL

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  8. domking - 46-50 years old - male

    Posted by domking on March 14th, 2011 at 6:25 AM

    Dear CatalinaVanilla , it is allright to feel like that, many people have done that , felt as you feel,me included, and yet there is hope for us all.

    Now that you have admitted all these,and shared it, now you can slowly but surely, make small changes in youself which will change you, day by day.

    Please accept my friend request.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  9. CatalinaVanilla - 26-30 years old - female

    Posted by CatalinaVanilla on March 24th, 2011 at 2:47 PM

    Thanks for your comments subron. Yeah, my situation is probably not that terrible. Sometimes it feels like it, others not so much . . .

    I know I can still lose by betting on both black and red. I win and lose each time, and over time I am definitely losing whenever it comes up green like you said.

    I would love to be a bartender and have thought about it. But it's an awful lot of time on one's feet :(

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  10. CatalinaVanilla - 26-30 years old - female

    Posted by CatalinaVanilla on March 25th, 2011 at 1:33 PM

    I agree with you about how people pervert natural win-wins into "I win more and you lose" situations. It's really too bad.

    Thanks for the suggestions but I really doubt running shoes will help my back much.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

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