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I am my own worst enemy

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sillyginger - 22-25 years old - female

Posted by sillyginger
on May 31st, 2011 at 2:34 PM

I hate feeling this way. I hate the person I am. Part of me hates my parents because I blame them for the problems I have. Growing up as a child and watching my parents fight constantly, my dad beat the **** out of my mom on almost a daily basis. One day when I was about 5 or 6 he slammed her on the ground and started choking her, I remember feeling so afraid and contemplating on grabbing a butcher knife and stabbing him because I thought he was going to choke my mother to death.

I hate my uncle and wish he would have died with the first stroke he had, he molested me on and off for a few years when I was in elementary school. I also blame him for the mental problems I have. I'm angry at my father for being a controlling *******. He never even tought me how to drive, I guess he was too busy out cheating on my mother. He wouldn't even let me mother get a job because he wanted her stay at the house 24/7 and not have a life. I feel like he did the same thing to me, now I am 22 and in a really ****** situation. I have no life...barely any friends. Sometimes I am dying to be normal and social, have friends that I can call and talk to.... friends that care about me, friends that want to hang out.

I truly believe I will never have a normal healthy relationship, and for that I blame my parents. I don't how to have a healthy relationship, I feel like I need to much. And I'm so scared it will push people away so I hold everything in no matter how miserable I am. I never talk about my problems to anybody because I feel like such a I'm pretty sure nobody gives a **** anyways. I yearn for a loving normal relationship, true friends, etc.

I'm in a relationship and have been for 4 years, but I know it's pointless. My boyfriend acts like he doesn't give a **** about me, until I have a major breakdown and tell him how I really feel, that I want to die, etc. Even then he just hugs me and that's about it. I know he doesn't give a ****, 98% of the time he doesn't listen to anything I say. he doesn't even acknowledge that I said anything, or he'll say "yeah". I tried so hard to leave him so many times, and everytime he begs me to get back with him and says that I'm his soulmate, etc. I always give in and get back with him... I feel lonely with him but I feel even more lonely without him which I can't deal with. And I hate myself for staying with him and putting up with his **** but I'm so terrified of being alone. The first guy I ever loved died when I was 16, we were in a car accident and he died instantly, I almost died but survived. to this day I wish I would have died. I honestly believe I will never find a guy that loved me as much as he did, he listened to me and comforted me. He loved me regardless of my problems and always tried to help me. I still have a letter he wrote me about 5 or 6 years ago, I read once in awhile and I get so angry that he left me here alone.

Everyone says I survived that accident because I have a purpose here... but to me... I feel like my purpose here is to be miserable. i feel like I'm being punished for something because life never gets better. I just pretend I'm okay when I'm the complete opposite, I hate waking up every morning. I hate happy people, I'm so jealous of them. I can't even make new friends because I have social anxiety and I'm so self conscious. I usually stay quiet in a social setting with people because I never really know what to say, and when I want to say something, I usually don't. I'm afraid I'll sound stupid or they will dislike me.

I just broke up with my boyfrriend... I told him everything. Its sad because I know it doesn't matter... he refuses to deal with his problems and I need professional help to deal with mine. I'm pretty sure he does too. I know i have borderline personality disorder, and I'm 90% sure he does too.

I dont know what to do anymore.. to top it all off i might be going to jail because nobody wants to help me to stuff that I need to do in order to avoid going to jail. Im so tired of life...

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