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ashleyxxpiano - 18-21 years old - female

Posted by ashleyxxpiano
on December 21st, 2011 at 5:54 PM

Why is life all about doing things you don't want to do? 
Why is society structured the way it is, and how did it get this way? 

Money is motivation. 
Fear is motivation. 

Sounds like fun. 

Nearly 10% of the US population is depressed and yet everyone on earth will at one point in their lives experience it. 
We can only conclude that the second part of the statement above is caused by hormonal changes and/or the environment surrounding us. 

It is a known fact that through spirituality and religion people try to find peace or a greater purpose to counteract, completely avoid, or simply work through these feelings. 

So why does it seem that this is only possible once you've established yourself in life? 
I don't have TIME to focus on peace as I'd like to. 
I'm too busy running. 
Motivated by fear and money, and the fear of not having enough money. 

This life is so unnatural, and impossible, and yet somehow beautiful. 
I hate it. 
The real question is: Are the good things worth all the bad things? 
The bad certainly does make the good seem better. 

I know I am depressed and part of that 10% but I still think pills are too easily given away. 
Speaking from first hand experience. 
Anxiety/Depression = Propranolol, Xanax, and Zoloft 
After a while of going on like this I became numb, and the there were no lows or highs, no good nor bad. 
Xanax didn't help me sleep. 
Propranolol didn't fully control my heart rate. 
Zoloft made me even more dizzy. 

My life circumstances were getting to me and the thoughts persisted, because pills don't change reality. 
I stopped everything. 
Cold Turkey. 

And yet I've somehow never felt better. 
I like being in control of my life, to whatever extent I can be. 
Now I realize the only problem I have left is with life itself. 

It's sad that reality causes depression. 
Society is wrong. 

I'm sick of running and not having time to focus on peace. 
I am not content with doing all of these things I don't want to do. 
I am not okay with the fact that I have run myself sick. 
Literally physically ill. 

And why all of this running? 
So someday I can be established, financially secure, and then perhaps find TIME to focus on peace, because by this point I would have realized that I've wasted 1/4 of my life running and stressing and chasing an illusion. I would want to find that TIME to distract my mind from the harsh reality that I can no longer ignore. 
To find out nothing has changed. 
To find out that security is an illusion. 

Unnaturally, I will continue to run this race. 
But I also give up now. 
And I think I gave up a long time ago. 

The motivation remains. 
The law of attraction still stands true. 
But I can no longer deny the reasons for this motivation.

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