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Consumed by self-hatred

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frootiee - 22-25 years old - female

Posted by frootiee
on January 8th, 2012 at 7:05 AM


I hate the fact that I am alive. I hate trying so much and failing. Maybe I am weak. In body and mind. How long am I supposed to hold on till I see the light at the end of the tunnel? Will there even be any?

I feel so lost. I can't wait to just be done with college and get the hell out of here. I need some alone time: no friends, no relations. Just me and a long stretch of road ahead of me. I want to walk, walk and walk some more and when I reach the end I want to be a different person. Rejuvenated. Alive. Newborn.

I think someone was right about me when they said I complain a lot. It's true, I guess. I never noticed it before now. I keep whining like an annoying dog and expecting sympathy. And I get it too. Maybe that encourages me to complain more. But what else can I really do? I have tried everything I know to set things right and yet my life is a mess. Except my mom I have not a single soul who loves me. Isn't that supposed to make me feel alone? Where else can I go to vent other than here? I stopped trusting people long back.

I just really want to punch something. Or someone. And feel the pain in my hands. Maybe that will make me feel alive. Or maybe just scream out loud or just cry my eyes out. I have wished a thousand times that I be hit by some truck and just run over by it someday soon. Because if there were any other option to make things right I would be out there doing it and right now I am coming up with not a single one. I have been waiting for 22 years. Do good things really come to those who wait? And in my case, live a life of neglect and shame for 22 years?

I don't want to live anymore. I am too weak to live in this world. I don't fit here. Then why can't my life be taken back? Nobody wants it. Hell, even I don't want it. LOL

Vote up! 2

4 Comments (add your own)

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  1. Posted by An EP User on January 8th, 2012 at 7:37 AM

    Keep fighting! I'm 24 and still haven't found anyone... You're not alone.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  2. alkibiades - 61-65 years old - male

    Posted by alkibiades on January 8th, 2012 at 7:57 AM

    You know what? I'll bet things weren't always this way. I'll bet you can remember a different time, a time when you didn't hate yourself (and everything else) the way you do now. If you just relax for a little while, just let your mind drift, you can start to remember an hour here or there, a moment, an instant, years ago when something wonderful happened, something that was quite simple, but it made you feel like smiling. Can you remember that? How old were you then? Think about that. Later, things began to change, sometimes bad things happened that darkened your mood. Can you remember how that happened? Who stepped in and spoiled things? One individual or more than one? Do you know who it was? If not, that's ok. Don't worry about it. Here's the funny part. Deep inside, the happiness you felt long ago, maybe when you were a young child, it's still there, inside you, it's just hiding, like the sun when it goes behind the clouds. You could make a list, like Maria in "The Sound of Music," a list of your favorite things. 'Cos everyone has favorite things, don't they, even you? What are yours? Inside you too is the Judge who's busy all the time telling you you're so bad. Tell me, is the Judge herself good -- or bad? If the Judge is good, and you are part Judge, then you're a lot better than you suppose, huh? I can't write much more, but I'll say one more thing. In your unhappiness, you have turned off the love machine. You are not actively radiating love towards other people, you are so busy bemoaning the fact that they don't love you. But my dear we are not sponges designed to soak up the affections of others, nope. Our job is to love THEM and make THEM feel loved and happy. Don't you know that? Look at all those folks around you. Don't you know how sad they are? I'd suggest you march right out and find them and do everything you can to bring a smile to their faces. You can do that. I know you can, because you're just as ok as everyone else. See?

    Reply | 2dislike | Flag

  3. frootiee - 22-25 years old - female

    Reply by frootiee Jan 8th, 2012 at 8:06AM

    You know, i think you're absolutely right. But till about a month ago, i used to go out of my way to help anyone who needed any small help or a little affection and care. I really put my things in the background when i did that. I used to be happy then. But i just want someone else to love me too once in a while, to tell me i'm okay just the way i am and that they care about me. Just one simple sentence would give me strength to fight against anything. And i don't even get that. Your words made me remember some great times i had long back. But that too is gone and i can never get them back..

    Reply

  4. frootiee - 22-25 years old - female

    Reply by frootiee Jan 8th, 2012 at 8:08AM

    I think I am going to take your suggestion and start giving out my love again.. Maybe that'll help me. Thanks. That really helped :)

    Reply

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  5. Posted by An EP User on January 8th, 2012 at 8:11 AM

    Why shame?

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  6. lostpoem25 - 22-25 years old - female

    Posted by lostpoem25 on January 8th, 2012 at 8:21 AM

    o sweetie dont give up so early and so easily...sometimes we try to hard to fall in love..and love might happen in weirdest of situation and timing...

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

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