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Blaming myself for everything...(long)

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rain2sunshine - 18-21 years old - female

Posted by rain2sunshine
on January 14th, 2012 at 4:08 PM


So...I have a confession to make. I have decided that I will tell the EP world and let them know my story! I have a problem where I blame myself for everything in my life that has had a bad impact on me. What do I mean by that? Well, I am just going to warn you....if you keep reading you will find yourself thrown into a world that is painful and frustrating. I am telling my story to get it out. I don't want to hold it in any longer. It may be graphic, so please be warned. I suggest a PG-13 audience and up...

Chapter 1: The birth parents
I was adopted when I was born. I have never met my birth parents and, until recently, I only knew that my birth mom was 15 while my birth father was 18. Recently, my mom that raised me (Let's capitalize Mom when I am talking about the mother who raised me since I was born and we will call my birth mom....Melissa*)gave me a letter she received from Melissa and her boyfriend. I am currently 19 years old and she received this letter a month after I was born (February 1993). Inside was a picture of the two and a passionate letter saying how much they wished they could have kept me. My Mom called me after I got the letter (since I wasn't living with her). My Mom and I aren't on the best of terms (that will come later on in the story) but she called and I could tell she had been crying. She kept trying to remind me that she had raised me, not Melissa. She said she loved Melissa and if I got in contact with her that I should tell her my Mom cares about her still. I felt something I had never really felt then for my Mom. I love my Mom, don't get me wrong, I just don't respect her. Then she quickly added she had never tried to keep in contact with Melissa after I was given to my Mom. It broke my heart because at the bottom of the letter that had been sent to me so long ago it read: "I will continue to send you letters. I can't wait to hear from you."I was destroyed. I could have remained in contact with the woman who gave birth to me. I could have found out everything about who I am and what I have to look forward to in life. I went on a desperate hunt to find them. I am almost positive I found my birth father on the ever popular social network site known as Facebook. It has been a few months now and I have yet to hear a reply from the message I sent him. Then it again, it must be weird to hear a desperate girl contacting him about her being his possible daughter. I have had no luck finding them yet. Despite it being my Mom's fault for the lack of contact, I still feel like it is my fault. I should have found out about her sooner. I should have written her....

Chapter 2: The Mother
Have you ever watched Cinderella? Then you know about the evil step mother who doesn't let Cinderella have a lick of fun. Well have you seen Ever After? It is a Cinderella story based on medieval times. The mother on the movie is pleasant yet is a total ***** (pardon my French). That is my Mom. At times she is tolerable, rarely she is even fun and pleasant to be around. Besides that, it was pure hell. I am an only child (that I know of) so most would  say I would be a spoiled brat. Quite the opposite actually. My parents divorced when I was very young, to young to remember actually. My whole life I was raised by two households, which was awesome when I was little. My Mom and I started off very very poor but very very close. We did everything together and I loved her to death. I had to fly (on a plane) to go see my father every once in awhile. I would spend the whole summer with him and every other weekend he would drive to where ever I lived to see me. So, let's just say my childhood wasn't a very healthy one. I didn't have many friends because I could never hang out on the weekends and the summers I disappeared all together. My Mom forbid me from talking about my father and his "side"of the family, so I didn't. I loved it though because I got two of everything. Two of every holiday, twice the pets, and I lived in the country and the city. What wasn't to love? We all had our fights and disagreements, but what family doesn't? My parents treated fights differently, however. My Mom yelled...and yelled...and yelled some more. My dad just talked it out and left it like it was. My mom held grudges, my dad didn't. So let's say my dad was the favorite parent...until I got older. When I turned seven, my mom remarried. I hated my step-dad at first, but soon came to like his weird ways. He had  two cats and horses and, me being an animal lover, loved every second. I soon found out my dad was using me to get to my mom. I stopped visiting and he started blackmailing me. He also remarried to a woman I thought was lesbian. They sent me hate mail all through high school and are still probably sending it now. I got over it eventually, but felt bad that I had cut contact with him so suddenly. The only thing that he ever gave me was independence, and I thank him for it. Now, I am independent! However, after I cut contact and legally changed my last name, things got tough between my mom and I. We fought ALL THE TIME over nothing. I wouldn't fight back, just take it. She would go weeks without talking to me just because I forgot to take out the trash. She never respected me and never listened to me. I would cry and she would leave. If she came back and I was still crying, she would yell at me. After a semester of college, she stopped paying. She complained about how her happiness wasn't getting better by paying for my schooling, so I gave up. I almost flunked out of college since I saw no point if I couldn't be funded to go. I moved further away and began to work. My mom still contacts me, and every time she succeeds on making me cry. It is difficult to make me cry, so my mom was an expert at it. What makes it worse for me is that she has my kitty with her. I have had that cat since I was 5 and miss her so much...if only my mom would let me talk....

Chapter 3: The Violation
When I was in high school everything sucked. No lie. I had no friends since they were all scared of my mom. I was sad and depressed constantly. I had some boyfriends, but they were all strange. One even beat me. Not with fists, but with bricks. He made sure to hit me where my mom would never see them. I found out later that he just wanted to get with the person I had let closet to me, my only friend. She went for him, I was so confused. We never offically broke up, he just exchanged girls. He was a prince to her....After that I became very involved in church. I was raised Methodist, but went to a Catholic and Episcopal school. I sang in the choir (both youth and adult). I went to two services, mission trips, everything. Then my birthday came along (my 16th birthday). It was on a Sunday and I had just finished singing a wonderful song in choir.  Since I was in adult choir, we got to leave the service once we were done singing. We finished before the sermon (which was awesome cause I didn't like that pastor anyway) and I headed to the other service. The church was built so that a sky bridge connected the "youth" church to the older side. I was on the sky bridge when the man who will always haunt my dreams approached me. He asked me for a tour of the church. Our conversation went like so:
Man: "Hello, will you show me around?"
Me: "Sure! I am actually headed to my service right now. Why don't you join me and I will show you around after?"
Man: "No, I need a tour now"
And just like that he scooped me up and took off. I was in shock. I tried to scream but my mouth was covered. He took me to a stairwell that is never used. He had to know it well because the bottom door was locked from the outside. There he raped me. I was terrified. He tried to place his....private part in my mouth. I bit him and ran. I didn't know what to do, so I just curled up in the back row of a service and cried. I told my mom the next day. She didn't really react. Just like when I tried to commit suicide, she acted like it was an act of attention. However, when I got cyber bullied that was the end ofthe world! sigh...

I have more stories, but those are the ones that bother me the most. Right now I am happy. I am in steady relationship with a wonderful guy. We are talking about getting married. I have a steady job and a place to live. I have to guinea pigs and love them dearly. I am happy, yet sometimes still feel alone. 

*all names have been changed to protect the identities of the individuals 

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2 Comments (add your own)

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  1. emptyblue - 13-15 years old

    Posted by emptyblue on January 14th, 2012 at 4:23 PM

    omg :( stay strong !

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  2. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 18th, 2014 at 6:16PM

  3. rain2sunshine - 18-21 years old - female

    Reply by rain2sunshine Jan 14th, 2012 at 4:25PM

    Thank you. I got a tattoo on my bag of a seraphim. I drew it myself. It is an 8 winged angel. I have two wings covering her face and feet. In her hands she holds a staff for justice and a sword for disciple. I look at it on my back everyday and it keeps me strong. I can't go back to modeling because of it, but I love it anyway!

    Reply

  4. rain2sunshine - 18-21 years old - female

    Reply by rain2sunshine Jan 14th, 2012 at 4:26PM

    and i forgot to add it gives me a constant reason to look forward to my life. I will refuse to take this smile off of my face! <3 thank you for reading!It makes me feel good to have support!

    Reply

    5 more replies
  5. csilvernail - 46-50 years old

    Posted by csilvernail on January 14th, 2012 at 7:06 PM

    No matter what happens you must remember that what happened in that stairwell was not your fault. None of what happens TO US is our fault. But, how we react to things is ours to own. Just like the man in your stairwell, we will all have to answer to God for all we've done in our lives. I'm glad you found some happiness in your life. There will be hard times, as well as good. All we can do is do our best. Your Mom & Melissa both did the best they could for their circumstances, maybe not yours but theirs. For your birth parents, at least they chose life. I was young & chose to abort my baby. A choice I will always regret & I will ahve to answer to God for. Your Mom who raised you sounds like she has mental health issues which got compunded when she divorced.. Remember the happiest times in your life are a blessing that you can use to remind you that the hard times help make you who are & led to where you are. You are rain into sunshine which will someday lead to the pot of golden streets at the end of the rainbow. I will pray tonight for you. Please listen to this song, it came on & I felt I was to share it with you. God Bless.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MG57JZvge_I&feature=autoplay&list=AVGxdCwVVULXe9eNdINB5MXq9srTGt66cV&lf=list_related&playnext=14

    Reply | 2dislike | Flag

  6. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 18th, 2014 at 6:16PM

  7. rain2sunshine - 18-21 years old - female

    Reply by rain2sunshine Jan 15th, 2012 at 3:13PM

    Thank you so much for your support. I thank those people who try to help me and I am so happy that I am sane from all of this. Stay strong yourself and thank you so much for commenting <3

    Reply

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