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I'm sick of a lot of my friends

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mariaweeks - 46-50 years old - female

Posted by mariaweeks
on March 21st, 2012 at 6:33 PM


 I'm beginning to really not like a lot of my friends.  I do not know how to deal with situations  in a assertive, healthy way.  My usual modus operandi is to put up with and endure, until I finally can't take it anymore and end up volcanically blowing up, much to my friends stupefied shock.  A lot of my friends take advantage of me.  I know you are all going to say:  "Well, it's because you let 'em..."  But I have gotten into it with each one of 'em for a variety of reasons, and have honestly conveyed to each one  what I would no longer be "willing to do" for them, and they seem to, for awhile, markedly improve.  But what invariably happens is when I see them making an effort to stop being so self-centered and absorbed, I start loosening my boundaries a bit more, and gradually, the relationships goes back to the way it was.  Admittedly, I am better off financially, and do have a car, but I am far from being rich, more like lower middle class, so having to spend money on gas, or buying their coffee can put a strain on me.  What frustrates me is that I like being a giving warm person, and  it would go against my values to just stop giving because others won't reciprocate. Even though they can't financially return the favor, there are other ways:  maybe the occasional thank you card, maybe using their govermnemt issued bus pass to come visit me, instead of just taking for granted that I will always go to their neck of the woodsand pick them up.  My license was suspended for a year and I had to take the bus, and it's not that bad.  I have purposely invited them over to my house, but they won't come, obviously, it's too much of a "hassle" taking the bus, or why else would they decline everytime?  Then I have some friends that don't take advantage of me in the physical sense, but do emotionally.  I have this friend that comes over and talk relentlessly about his "spiritual epiphanies"  about discovering his "authentic self" and about how his buddhism is evolving.  I want to scream at him and say:  "Don't you remember what our teacher said last time?  That if all you do is meditate and try to attain "equanimity" inwardly, that that is only half the pie.  The other half is using your "evolved" self in a way that helps others."  And the teacher is right:  who cares if you are spiritually evolved if you never do anything for anyone?  He has to tell me what he talked about with his therapist in painfully excruciating detail.  I mean who does that?  Isn't the point of having a shrink is to discuss issues that are not really conducive to everyday conversation?  When I try and talk, I get the feeling he is merely waiting for this "time to talk." Sometimes I want to yell at these so-called friends, and ask:  "DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT ANYONE ELSE EXCEPT YOURSELVES??"  But I am practicing Buddhism myself that teaches compassion for others, and how important it is to be generous.  But obviously I'm not that evolved yet, because they are bugging the **** out of me.  Personally, I like all of them, and do enjoy their company, I just don't want to always feel their is no sense of appreciation or need for them to have to reciprocrate. It makes me feel very insecure, like they are blatantly using me, and almost power tripping over it.  I do have two people in my life, my boyfriend and one sister that are extremely loving, giving and would never take advantage of me because it goes against their own value system.  Any suggestions?  Should I just let it all go and accept them for who they are?  Or should I find a way to tell them nicely, not angrily, that they need to give a little bit more?  Some people say to "just stop offering rides."  "Stop paying for things.  "When your friend dominates the conversation and interrupts you everytime you try to talk, start interrupting him."  But like I said, this is just not in my personality, to do things to people that I don't like having done to me.  any suggestions would be helpful

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  1. Humblethoughts - 31-35 years old

    Posted by Humblethoughts on March 21st, 2012 at 7:01 PM

    Wow you sound like me......but are hearts are the ones that get broken in this world... This is what I have learned never stop giving to others with the thought of something in return....Give and Help or two different things notice the difference...some friends only around for a season,a reason or a life time make sure you can figure out the diffrence...today people are so tied up with themselves they forget the small things in life but don't stop your giving Heart because this is how we get out the storm without getting wet xoxoxo

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