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Telling people off--not to their face but in my mind

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mariaweeks - 46-50 years old - female

Posted by mariaweeks
on April 2nd, 2012 at 2:19 PM

I have this strange way of nursing my resentments, and I wonder if anyone else does this, and what I might try and do about it.  Let me give an example:  I went to visit this friend (who doesn't have car, and has to rely on the bus) last week which costs me about 10 dollars in gas, and since I'm broke, it was a sacrifice.  I used to have money, so I never thought of the price of gas before, and I always used to take her to lunch since she was on a small fixed income.  Well, since my financial situation changed, I definitely cannot take her out to lunch anymore, and did relay this to her several months ago...  But,when I came over and did not propose a free lunch, things seemed different, although I may have been imagining it.  This friend has a lot of mental problems, bulimia being one of them, and that is mainly why she is always up for a free lunch where she can stuff herself.  She seemed uncomfortable just talking, and did not even offer me anything to drink.  I finally had to ask for a glass of water which she grudgingly gave me, not even apologizing like most people by saying:  "Oh gosh, I'm sorry, where are my manners?"  I got the message, and made up an excuse to leave after thirty minutes, where she appeared discernibly relieved.  Half of this I can blame on the mental illness, but the other half I can't help but shake off as just pure self-centeredness on her part.  When I got home, I found myself having a one way conversation in my mind telling her off, asking her, "I know mentally you don't feel well, but does that give you an excuse to never have to give anything?  Why do I have to always come out to your neck of the woods?  I know your excuse is the bus ride is too harsh, but hello!  My license was suspended for a year, I had to take the bus everywhere, even to your house, and it wasn't that big of a deal!  The only time you have come out to my house was when you needed to borrow my car to move stuff!  Don't you understand part of your unhappiness is due to your own unwillingness to give to others??"  And on and on the rant went in my head.  By the end of it, I found myself all whipped up into a  of holier than thou, I'm-so-much-of-a nicer-person-than-you state of mine that it made my ego feel good...but, I know feeling superior is just a very poor substitute for what I really want:  a harmonious relationship with this girl.  So when I start getting like this, what do you think the best thing to do would be?  Just shut my mind off, continue to hold my ground and not give as much, and see if she comes around?  I don't want to lose her, she can be a really decent person at times; I'm actually more concerned about why my mind goes on these one way diatribes with itself.  Any suggestions?

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  1. fairine - 31-35 years old - female

    Posted by fairine on April 2nd, 2012 at 2:34 PM

    well you might want to call her and tell her how you actually feel, starting with speaking about desiring a harmonious relationship and then what it will require for it to feel like it for you, keeping in mind she may be completely blind to what social manners are expected and may have meant nothing against you, but she still needs to hear what you require so you don't feel like a martyr making her feel judged and no one feeling any good... If you don't say anything it might just sit around as anger in your head until one day it just comes forth without being able to be spoken in well-thought-out form.

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  2. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User May 25th, 2015 at 1:15AM

  3. mariaweeks - 46-50 years old - female

    Reply by mariaweeks Apr 2nd, 2012 at 2:40PM

    thank you, that is good advice. i appreciate it.


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