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A life of fear

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mommaceitta - 46-50 years old - female

Posted by mommaceitta
on April 22nd, 2012 at 11:18 AM


Why is one question I have yet to ask my Lord. I already have the answer, so now I must ask myself why. Where did I go wrong, already have that answer. Why did I give in? I have that answer too.
I gave in to fear, My head always my head had been beaten so bad with those big ole fist, yea he is a big man 265 lbs and stand 6"5. My head doesn't show the marks I later learned, he was quite experienced in his craft. I have hid in the bushes for two days, cold and raining but frozen in fear. I have ran with never gonna look back, he found me. I joined the fair for God's sake. How was I found and why? Now these why's I have no answer for, not a clue. I did his dope for awhile, gave in again, finally I said no more, so I stopped, yea just like that, you see God was always there I was just lost again.
I came back to my God, he had endured so much more than I who was I to complain. So I smile and go forward. I work on with every thing I got I work until my work is my life. Well not really God is my life, my work is my escape from "the hidden side". But he follows and lingers in the shadow's, always watching me, who is that? why do these people love you? I give all of myself, and working with em one on one they know I have something different God.
Then it happens, he comes from the shadow's, the cut downs begin, the she does this and that wrong. My head drops, my mouth shuts, but I smile on.
Fear for my kids, my grandkids my life no longer matters,  I go from day to day and the days turn to years. Trapped and not a chance for escape. I stopped one day. I stopped caring, I stopped planning, I stopped living. A really really dear friend that was my boss, came in the office, being alone I always cried. Caught I was, he says to me that SOB will never let you go, never. It stuck, I knew the truth. 
I have since accepted my life, I give my all to my Savior. He being my life in every way. Some how my body has also given in, with no more fight, walking is all but impossible, pain in my body has long sense overpowered pain in my heart. Doctors amazed that I was able to go as long as I did, but the not stopping to take care of me, caused so much damage. 
So again I am at the mercy  of others, hoping soon to have my disability, something of my own again. I owned my own home before him. I was the woman other women went to for help. I struggled alone and lost. My daughter still has night mares of him killing me. I really hate how my kids were affected. I hate me for the woman he made me.
Life will never bring change for me, because I gave in to fear. God's children should never have that kind of fear, but I had drifted so far from God, he spared my life then for this time now. Maybe to help you.
The beaten's  have long since stopped, maybe because the fear stopped, I can't say. The strong language is now about my inability to provide. Yes I always worked while he always played. Oh sometimes he would work but he had a two hour limit, then it was beer time. He had to make a show, lol
So I now I sit and write , thank God for this out... My savings gone, my health gone, But I can smile with my memories, even thou that girl in the photo's are no longer me, they were. I have known true love and traveled to many places, the pictures prove to myself I once had a life, Thank you Lord...
Love and hugs to all, and please flee if fear ever shows its face, because it will hold you and trust me when it gets you, there is no escape.......

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3 Comments (add your own)

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  1. penpaper - 41-45 years old

    Posted by penpaper on April 22nd, 2012 at 11:42 AM

    Like many posts I've read, many people stumbled in this cite. Your sentiments are echoed by me. But I would like to dwell on FEAR. Fear is ugly and intimidating. I was at peak of my game. Having a secured job, a house paid and my beautiful children until the man I thought I knew pulled the carpet under my feet. He divorced me without my knowledge demanded 50% of the estate. Had to resign, close my florist to pay him off. He prospered whilst I lived below bread line. My point I went back with him knowing well he has moved on. I hate to think about the time I'm wasting. I hate fear!  

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  2. mommaceitta - 51-55 years old - female

    Reply by mommaceitta Apr 22nd, 2012 at 12:30PM

    Oh please don't!!!!!! After the wasted years are gone they are gone...... please go life with freedom is yours you will make it if he was willing to let you go, go

    Reply

  3. mpde - 56-60 years old - female

    Posted by mpde on August 8th, 2012 at 1:20 PM

    Dear Friend,

    Fear grips ones mind and then your heart and u think you being watched when u not and followed when u not. You hear things, noises that are not there. Please look up every scripture u can on fear and study them write them out and put them up in your home and on your fridge and mirror. Denounce and refuse fear every way you can. Let the peace of God be with you fight this like u have never had to fight befor. Your spirit cannot operate in faith when fear is blocking the door. If you have no way of finding these scriptures let me know message me on my proffile and I will look them up and send them to you. Hugs.

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  4. mommaceitta - 51-55 years old - female

    Reply by mommaceitta Aug 9th, 2012 at 2:03PM

    thank you for your reply, and I have that peace from god, that sweet peace, the fear is all but a memory, a memory not so strong, I have prayed for a clean heart, and a good spirit and he has heard me. My God has gave me a spirit of love that amazes even me. oh how I love my Lord, it just took me to forgive me (hard) and to accept his love, and i have....

    Reply

  5. CAULBEARER - 41-45 years old - female

    Posted by CAULBEARER on December 3rd, 2012 at 11:08 PM

    ay-you and I have alot more in common than youll ever know-i always knew and loved god but all the same was suckered into this same kindof damaging abussive lo.except when I got to the point of not caring something went wrong in my head that made me not blame me or condemn my bad choices because it wasnt me it was him-just like with you it wasnt you it was him-and you had gods love all along he just tried to take it away from you.the thing with these evil people is they are very good at playing games and all have a hustle and they work at getting your trust and love by deceit. once they have your trust it starts slowly.occasional temper outbursts that get more frequent and worse each time. First they break a window and give you a reason that is your fault but it makes you question yourself and think maybe i was being mean-then they fix the window -promise it wont happen again,but it does.then slowly without you realizing it they try to alienate everyone that is close to you in your life with some petty reason why your best friend is a ho and why your family is not allowed in his (your house) anymore and then they keep up the bullshit till your friends dont come around as long as youre with him and you cant have family over cause they want to kick his *** and he hates them-he works on getting close to your kids to get close enough to trap you but then in a sick calculated plan over time-in his more frequent outbursts and violent displays terrorizes them and then acts like its their fault because they are brats and did something to defy his authority-the screaming gets louder and constant fighting and the kids suffer-he begins the physical abuse and somehow justifies it to himself like you deserve it-when you dont at all-then he wants to have sex and make up while the kids are still crying scared and you are still bleeding from nose-lips-hands legs and are too scared tosay no. he does this untill him treating you bad and blaming you and telling you that you are nothing untill you finally take the feeling bad (subconsciousely) and accept it and try to deal with it by becoming numb all the while not realizing that this is an effect of his twisted abbusive brainwashing-you actually get mad at yourself for not recognizing and picking this abbusive sick bastard.and believe its your fault-and are embaressed and angry and live in such turmoil and pain for so long you actually start believing it-you suffer from such low self esteem and constant fear and pain and embarressment that you start to crumble and view yourself as what he says you are and what he does becomes what you allow to happen when you never wouldve let this happen before. If youre astrong enough to leave finally he terrorizes you stalks you-tries to run you off the freeway -belittles you to all your friends and any neighbors calls you a hore more than he says your nameand you start to think everyone believes youre a *****.worst yet he tracks you if you find somewhere to hide and eventually finds you no matter how long it takes and with a rage like youve never seen in him before tries to kill you anyway he can-you barely escape with your life -get your kids taken away get fired at work because he calls them and says weird stuff constantly he comes in and makes a scene to the point of restraining orders and your work attendance suffers because he held you in a bathroom broke the mirror and held a peice of glass to your throat for three days before he took your car and split and you couldnt show up in that situation.you call the cops but in that situation hes real good about no witnesses so all they can do is pick him up and question him and he lies and tells them what a hore you are and that youre on drugs even though it was his drugs youre on and you only did them because you were scared and he insisted and had sex with you for hours while you lay there like the dead thing youve become and after 3 days in a bathroom like that youre a babbling idiot and look like the crackhead queen on the corner shaking and drooling on yourself as he clicks to normal and you are traumatized like a normal human being would be .he then points a finger at you and says the stupid ***** is wacked out on drugs and attacking me i just want her gone look at her its disquisting.they look at you and you are definately looking like a mental fucken trashy looser that cant even answer their questions without screaming and crying and making no sense.-and when they test you you are on drugs -its a sad sick twisted hustle these sons of satan use on you to break you abuse you ruin everything in your life so you now depend on them so they can do what they want and get off on it during sex like they are a powerful god-when all they are is a demon a devil-you pretend sometimes just to get through the morning just so he will leave and you plan/ attempt your breakaway with nothing left of your soul your family any belongings and youre away from people far enough looking like hell walking so that no one you do see even looks at you or will stop to give you a ride and youre stuck like this cause he destroyed your car-you are once again ashamed of yourself trying to get away with serious injuries and issues bad health-the last thing to go is your health. so you see i understand to a very unhealthy level but i am me again and hes gone im not scared anymore or abussed and my health has gotten better and i found a good guy who loves me-yes i learned to love again -and i still love god-I figure he has reasons for allowing this stuff to happen that someday i will understand that i needed this to be stronger for whats to come and in the end we all are rewarded.he is a fair god-trust and believe- But honey its not you or who you are-you are a victem of these sick controling cowards that unfortunately love you TO DEATH! too much in common is what we have-you will get better and stronger and learn to love yourself again please dont give up you are a beautiful person that is worth loving and deserves to feel good and deserves some inner peace-god is with you and is number one but you deserve to have someone on this earth besides him and will be with him soon enough. peace out!

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  6. CAULBEARER - 41-45 years old - female

    Reply by CAULBEARER Dec 3rd, 2012 at 11:16PM

    be with god soon enough is what I mean :)

    Reply

  7. mommaceitta - 51-55 years old - female

    Reply by mommaceitta Dec 4th, 2012 at 9:20PM

    Sometimes in this life we feel so alone, like you stop talking or complaining to anyone, even God. Because you learn somehow to accept your life. Then someone comes alone and shares their life and tears roll down your face to know that the two of you are still alive being a miracle in its self. Yes, we have a lot in common another connection of the caul, Caulbeares tend to have very hard lives I have learned, to make us stronger... and to be placed in this position is an honor. Thank you for sharing your story and helping me to know that we can always make it through. Love and hugs and a gentle smile of understanding...

    Reply

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