A Little Realization

I always find myself sitting somewhere away from everyone, thinking about the future. I'm not talking about my financial future, or the financial future of those around me. I'm talking about death. I mean, why am I here? I never asked to be born in this world. I never asked to experience all the pain and suffering death has to offer. Each and every day that passes by, it keeps getting worse. Each day, a new memory with my loved ones will forever be nailed in my head, and it keeps on accumulating.  I value these experiences – which is my biggest problem. When the people that I spend my everyday life with finally meet their expiration date, I too will perish. Being with them is not always a pleasure, but it is a necessity. There are times when they irritate me, but there are also times when I shed a tear every now and then when I remember that they will someday forever leave me. It is inevitable, either I go first or I wait for their turn, which is far worse than my own. This thought of mine has long been lingering in my mind, but never did I really want to think of it seriously, just like everyone else. Some say that we live to experience happiness, but happiness can only be achieved with your loved ones. I would very much rather not experience it at all if the price I have to pay is far more costly. A simple computation:  When there is pain involved, there is no pleasure. When there is death involved in life, there is no life. Some advice me to basically create my own fantasy; become delusional. Perhaps they are right. Perhaps we were meant to be delusional with this gift of imagination to distract ourselves from the inevitable suffering each one of us has to face. Except, I rather not. I’ve never viewed this world as a game. I’m inclined to staying away from other people, because I know they’ll just be an addition to the ultimate cost. I’ve lost all interest in everything. I just want to rest. I want to die. I don’t know why I’m posting this. Perhaps somewhere deep inside me, I’m asking for a reason to continue walking towards the inevitable.