Sometimes I Just Want to Die

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Cynic4Life - 31-35 years old - female

Posted by Cynic4Life
on May 27th, 2012 at 1:30 AM

I have so many things to be grateful for I will first say because if I don't mention that, it will seem as if I am saying God hasn't done for me. He has. Always. And God is real. I have felt Him. That is my experience & noone can take that from me by convincing me there is no God. There is. It is my and many people's experience. He has come through many times in terrible binds. Suddenly all was well.
But I have to also say my problems are increasing and they are getting deeper. Many roblems I caused. I have guts to admit it. Other problems I clearly did not ask for and yet they happen.
I still live at home in my early 30s with a mother I do not get along with. I lost my car (accident), I work hard and can't really enjoy it (bills bills bills bills). I was fired from a job I really liked due to crazy allegations out of nowhere. I got a letter in the mail saying I am de-activated.
My dad does not care about me and even has caled me the B word. Why? Just because he hates me. My brother is a fanatic Nation of Islamist and said he would not mind if I died. I have low self esteem and severely depressed. My relationships always end badly. One guy I really loved and talked about marraige with went to Afghanistan as a National Guardsman. I was totally devoted to him and faithful while waiting for him to finish his year-long deployment. Called him often and sent care packages and prayed with him when he was scared. My mother even told me that he should have rewarded that devotion w/ a proposal. Instead he came home, got someone pregnant, brought her to church in front of my face & eventually married her. Lots of people (his brothers, too) said he was wrong.
I still try to pray and believe God wants the best for me, but all the problems and depression are taking a toll on me. I don't do as some do and blame God. It is my fault or the fault of other people when things in my life go wrong.
But I feel like I am a human punching bag. I can't take it much anymore. I have had a few emotional & mental breakdowns. I am losing my postivity and happiness. I am often think about death. I know killing your own self is self-murder and is therefore a sin, but I see death as the one big time you do not have or worry about problems. I don't have to be unloved, hurt, disappointed or anything since I'd be dead.
I have accomplished good things: finished college, have my art business on the side, there are still some people close to me whom love me (hard to accept they do, sometimes), have food, shelter, have traveled it seems weird. But like I mentioned all that stuff thing after another, they all pile up and overwhelm all the good things. I want to scream for help and understanding, but I can't. I know suicide is stupid and cowardly and dying solves no problems, that God and prayer and loving people in my life and being strong are key to surviving bad times, but I am losing myself. I feel like failure. Like trash.
If I can't die what do I do? I am miserable.

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2 Comments (add your own)

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  1. sisterfriend1 - 36-40 years old - female

    Posted by sisterfriend1 on May 27th, 2012 at 2:09 AM

    i teared up when i read your confession; i am in a similar situation where i feel trapped and want to end it. i am 40, on disability for lupus, and live with an emotionally abusive, controlling, critical Chinese mother who gives me no peace.

    please thank God for all that you DO have and know that you are loved. you sound like a very sensitive person which can be a blessing and a curse - use it as your blessing. you've accomplished a lot in life and i'm very impressed and wish i could have done even a little of what you have. i know that there have been times i've written down: Dear God, Thank You for...and no matter how small it may be, I would write it down and God would respond.

    a female therapist can help a lot; make sure you shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with and trust. sometimes antidepressants help you get over that inactive hurdle; it can be a bridge, not a lifetime crutch. i wish you the best of everything and will pray for you as i will for me, my sister.

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  2. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Apr 18th, 2015 at 10:54PM

  3. Cynic4Life - 31-35 years old - female

    Reply by Cynic4Life May 27th, 2012 at 2:31AM are in a tough situation as well and you are going through things I am not. I admire you for dealing with Lupus and an over-bearing mother at once and yet you have faith. It sounds as if it has carried you far and you should admire yourself more than you know. I thank you for your kind and helpful words. I actually will look into the anti-depressants. My depression needs a solution. God is the ultimate anti-depressant however and He has no bad side effects. Suicide is tempting only because it is a quick way out. The bad part is it is a sin as murder and there is no coming back. Living gives us a new chance to make things better each day. Thank you for praying for me. I need it! I pray your situation will improve, but smile as you go. Smile as much as you can. I will work on my depression and I want you to, too. It is a struggle, but happiness is not fake. it is real. I want us to touch it! Please continue to communicate with God and let these conversations on EP strengthen you. I do not even know you, but I love you, my sister.


  4. Cynic4Life - 31-35 years old - female

    Posted by Cynic4Life on May 27th, 2012 at 2:44 AM

    Thank you for your words. I needed that. I talk to some people about it (some people i cannot, they either don't care or do not know such feelings and don't relate or don't help). Sometimes it helps. But then I keep repeating the cycle of depression.

    I know I need deeper help. Because like you said, I can't cope anymore. But I know killing myself is not the answer. You are right about the dead cannot feel joy... But I just want to feel it more often! It is hard to do. I want to see more of the good things in my life and not lean on the bad so much. I want to stop being disgusted in myself. I often get angry or cry. Even @ work off to myself.

    Thank you. You are so very kind...

    I just want to be happy more than anything in the world. I hope you are happy, too.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  5. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Apr 18th, 2015 at 10:54PM

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