Sometimes I Just Want to Die

I have so many things to be grateful for I will first say because if I don't mention that, it will seem as if I am saying God hasn't done for me. He has. Always. And God is real. I have felt Him. That is my experience & noone can take that from me by convincing me there is no God. There is. It is my and many people's experience. He has come through many times in terrible binds. Suddenly all was well.
But I have to also say my problems are increasing and they are getting deeper. Many roblems I caused. I have guts to admit it. Other problems I clearly did not ask for and yet they happen.
I still live at home in my early 30s with a mother I do not get along with. I lost my car (accident), I work hard and can't really enjoy it (bills bills bills bills). I was fired from a job I really liked due to crazy allegations out of nowhere. I got a letter in the mail saying I am de-activated.
My dad does not care about me and even has caled me the B word. Why? Just because he hates me. My brother is a fanatic Nation of Islamist and said he would not mind if I died. I have low self esteem and severely depressed. My relationships always end badly. One guy I really loved and talked about marraige with went to Afghanistan as a National Guardsman. I was totally devoted to him and faithful while waiting for him to finish his year-long deployment. Called him often and sent care packages and prayed with him when he was scared. My mother even told me that he should have rewarded that devotion w/ a proposal. Instead he came home, got someone pregnant, brought her to church in front of my face & eventually married her. Lots of people (his brothers, too) said he was wrong.
I still try to pray and believe God wants the best for me, but all the problems and depression are taking a toll on me. I don't do as some do and blame God. It is my fault or the fault of other people when things in my life go wrong.
But I feel like I am a human punching bag. I can't take it much anymore. I have had a few emotional & mental breakdowns. I am losing my postivity and happiness. I am often think about death. I know killing your own self is self-murder and is therefore a sin, but I see death as the one big time you do not have or worry about problems. I don't have to be unloved, hurt, disappointed or anything since I'd be dead.
I have accomplished good things: finished college, have my art business on the side, there are still some people close to me whom love me (hard to accept they do, sometimes), have food, shelter, have traveled alot...so it seems weird. But like I mentioned all that stuff above...one thing after another, they all pile up and overwhelm all the good things. I want to scream for help and understanding, but I can't. I know suicide is stupid and cowardly and dying solves no problems, that God and prayer and loving people in my life and being strong are key to surviving bad times, but I am losing myself. I feel like failure. Like trash.
If I can't die what do I do? I am miserable.