i still think of you

I lay here in silence and I think of you. I look at our old pictures and think of buying the perfume you wear. I find reasons to be around your building so that i can know if you are home or not. All this is weird because of the fact that i dont like you anymore. I dont know how my heart still beats for you and how i can still be i love with you. i sometimes want to call but then i remember why I havnt been talking to you, I feel disgusted with myself then. 

Today, i needed to be held, got my diploma and its my dead mothers birthday. I bravely curled around my blanket and shed two tears, just two. I dint make a sound. Wiped them off and saw a movie. And again i wish i had met you in a different time and as a different person maybe far away in the mountains, you would have loved them.