I got tired of always being the good girl

Well  my mom grew up in  strict religion so she has nailed God in to me and my sisters brains and  has forced us in to church from a child up until now making us get baptized and such

since experiencing all of this religious stuff i had soon developed an obsession for it you know because i was being taught so much about it then i always became the one saying don't do this its a sin you'll go to hell and don't do that its a sin you'll go to hell 

while my friends would go out all the time enjoying there selves i was always the one stuck at home alone by myself  trying to avoid people kids would call me names and they would make fun of me in school saying that i have been taught lie all my life and there was not a person living in the sky 

they would say that i was stupid and there was not a man living on a cloud in the sky i had been been reading to many fairy tail books soon after that i cried for days and i asked God why did he not love me?  why did he not show them that he existed? there was no answer only silence my mother told me that God speaks through the bible so as soon as i open up the bible what ever pg it lands on first is God's answer

i read the bible many times on my own but i could barely understand it  seemed to me like my life was just  stuck on replay and i was getting up everyday, praying, going to church, avoiding people and begging God not to send me or my family to hell at one time i even started listing many of my sins on paper

that was suggested  by my mother she wanted us to keep a list of our  sins to pray for later on so we  wouldn't go to hell  i started to doubt if God even cared about me and if he really cared so much why did he wont us to work so hard for his love? i let certain people get in to my head  then i started putting down my bible and i wanted to be just like everyone else for a change 

i then started being bad and oh God it felt good!!! although i knew that it was wrong but i did it anyway like that one time i started stealing jewelry from the mall with my sisters i knew in my heart that was really wrong but being bad started feeling really good everyone and everyone that i was warned to stay way from i got drawn to them and i don't want to keep being a bad person i just wanted to know what it felt like to be bad and i try really hard to stop but I just can’t bring myself away But I don’t want to escape I just can’t stop

Ne-Yo Closer Lyrics  explains me perfectly its  exactly how i feel