If Only

Sometimes you gotta just let it all out. All of it.

It takes courage, commitment and care to share. Do you really love them like you say you do?

Being in a situation similiar myself although I'm on the other end...I can tell you that hearing those things from someone you care about makes a world of difference. Not knowing that someone cares for you like that....but you caring for them....is painful. Those words could take a lot if that away.

YOU are the one that broke up with me, don't you recall?



YOU are the one that has said endlessly how UNattractive I am, how STUPID I am, how I'm like a GRANDMA with my illness, and.. oh yeah, you've only sent me a letter once to try to be MEAN!



So, you're good with words. But they don't go any deeper. I know. If I only knew? I know. When a guy wants you, nothing gets in his way. If you felt this strongly, you would have put it out on the line, but you would have done SO many things differently. Everything, really. *shakes head* You don't deserve me. I cannot believe how cruel you've been to me. And all the times I asked you to call me.. you could have eased my pain.. you don't want to ease it! You've caused SO much of it! Do you know how relieved I feel tonight knowing that these dog days are numbered?! That you truly WON'T be able to watch me 24/7 in my home?! Seriously? What the f*** man? What are you THINKING?! Just of yourself. You don't want to ease my pain, you want to ease yours and if that means adding to my pain, well so be it. You made a sport of it for months and months and months when *I* was the one with trust issues? Oh no no no ;) haha you, hiding behind allllllllllllll your transparent armor, thinking that I'm just a plastic mannequin who doesn't know anything. It's so ironic.. all the projection you put on me, of being needy, and ugh just all of it.. how it fits you perfectly. Your words are plastic. There's nothing real to them. You forget that I already know. I already know PLENTY.



You're the one that broke up with me, and now that I see why? Yeah.. you should have. You ripped me apart with that in October. I'd never felt so connected to someone in my whole life.. and it was all just an act. So revolting. If it's any consolation I never loved *you*. It was never you that I loved! It was this lie you made up. And it's been long enough that that persona has all but disappeared for me in my memory. It was just a figment of your imagination. Nothing real; fake; plastic; mannequin.



If by a slim chance any of your remorse is sincere, in that you caused ME pain, not just you being consumed with how it all affects you, then take it as a lesson: You don't know who you are trying to **** up. And you may see the people you do this **** to and think, they are so UGLY so it's fine if I do whatever to them! Remember that shock when you realized what you'd done to someone you, at this moment, claim is beautiful? You have no sense of how deep people go. That isn't just a cliche phrase that beauty comes from within. It's a truth. But you don't see people as multi-dimensional beings. You only see you that way. You're wrong about karma never paying you back. And if it was the first time, it won't be the last as long as you do what you've done.



Go wallow in your self-defeat if that's what you feel. But I'm sure it's not. Remember? I'm just another piece of meat. Remember? I'm just a dying w****. Remember alllllllll your talk? Let that cushion the fall. I *am* done with you. YOU are the one that left me. YOU are the one that had a MILLION chances to make it better, and you went OUT of your way to make it worse for me.. always thinking of only you. That is the antithesis of love. .. do you get that? You've shown me hate when I was earnestly seeking friendship and support for my illness, for my neurological condition, and just because life is a *little* easier with people around. But that.. whew.. THAT was just WAAAAAY the **** too much to ask of you and your *****. Where the **** do you get off treating me that way? You don't THINK you deserve me? *ahem* You don't.

Wow. Something so familiar in your words.