I Remember

I remember the first time I cut myself. How the heat of the skrew was and how some of the rust infected my cut.. it was absolutley horrid. I remember I wasn't scared though,and the pain I was in actually felt good. And how the blood ran slowly from my elbow.
Once I relized what I had done I ran in and lied and said it was an accident. The peroxide burned the cut so bad...it was excruciating. It bubbled over so much. Took over an hour to clean it out.
This memory is what keeps me from self harming myself today. And makes me think how stupid I was. About 4 or 5 years clean now.
Life has been getting harder so the urge has been rising. Sometime I will just sit and stare at a knife.. wondering what I should do. Just yesterday I almost nicked myself. I need help.. a shoulder ti cry on. Someone who will understand me.