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WalkToPerdition - 18-21 years old - female

Posted by WalkToPerdition
on July 17th, 2012 at 2:07 AM

To you I'm writing.... not because I want sympathy, not because I'm feeling misunderstood and not because I want attention. I'm writing because I have no other way to tell you what I want to tell you and that's through no fault of my own. You took your own life and that makes me sad, but I still love you. I know that you were feeling down because of everything you've been through. To sum up your life: hell, but I still wish I had the chance to tell you this, so I'm telling you now
I wish I had told you how much I loved when you smiled because it made your eyes light up and it was truly a thing of beauty. I miss that when I walk into the school room and don't see you sitting there with your feel propped on a desk complaining about the latest guy on your street who wants a fight. I wish I had the chance to tell you how much you could make me laugh even when I didn't want to smile some days. I wish I could have told you how much I loved to watch you play the piano. I know you never knew, but when you played, your face was so serene and peaceful that it made me want to cry some days. The way your fingers seemed to float across the keys and fill the room with the most breath taking melodies.... and then you'd look up and see me watching you and you'd smile, then come and embrace me like no one else could. I wish I had told you that when you fought your circumstances it gave me such hope because, if you had the courage to fight it with fist and word then maybe i could be brave like you. I've never known anyone who fought so hard for anything in their entire life, and that's what you fought for; life.
I wish I had told you how much it hurt me to see you pick a fight. You were so good at p***ing everyone off just enough so someone swung at you and you loved it. It made me sad when you would get hurt fighting or pulling some stupid stunt and it broke my heart a little bit to see you buy that motorcycle then lay it over. I know you loved that thing though.
I wish I had told you how much my parents loved you. Even though you weren't the best influence and your home life was crap, my parents still loved you like their own son. Especially that day you came over just because you wanted to make cookies with me. My mom pretended to be mad when we started throwing flour at each other, but I know she had just as much fun as we did. They loved your sense of humor and your continued faith in God despite all you'd been through and I know they consider you their son as well.
Now I can't tell you any of this, but I know you're in a better place now. Its strange writing this because I don't feel sad. I don't really feel sad at all over this, because as much as I loved you, I know you're not suffering anymore. I can look back with a smile instead of tears. Whether you intended to or not, you made my life better and got me through the rough spots in my life even if you couldn't help you own. I thank God for the time I spent with you and through the experiences you gave me and the words you left with me, I can now help people who never had someone like you to lighten their load. I can only hope to be half the person you were because if I am, then maybe I can change someone's life.

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  1. PerditionWalk - 18-21 years old - male

    Posted by PerditionWalk on July 17th, 2012 at 2:20 AM

    I understand where you're coming from. Keep that attitude, I know lots of people who don't handle something like that this well and I am happy for you. God will take care of you and there is always a reason for everything.

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