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Anonymous User

Posted by Anonymous
on August 4th, 2012 at 9:49 PM

I get very irritated when people claim to know me better than I know myself. I feel it's such a violation to even say that or suggest it. How freaking arrogant can you be? Then again, I know there are people who have been with me my entire life and have seen me grow up. There are things they see about me that may not be visible to me when I look at myself. I don't deny every criticism anyone has to make of me. In fact, I listen attentively, even when I know it's mean-spirited and meant to undermine me. I know there are some people who are going to criticize me with the intent of helping me or making it better for me, and I'll listen to them. I frankly get tired, though, of people who put in their two cents when I don't ask. I used to ask and stopped asking, so I think people think that I'm expecting to hear their opinions about me. I used to ask around about "how I was doing" to people, especially elders, as a form of getting their approval. I did, but I was expected to do things to hang onto that approval. It's a lot like my relationship with my parents - I'm rewarded for performing well. Not really allowed to be a human being who makes errors and has contradictory feelings. I'm a robot. For a long time, I didn't share my feelings with anyone. It wasn't encouraged in my family. Only hard work was. I had to introduce myself to my own feelings, with the help of a therapist. Since then, I became very vocal about my feelings, and made plenty of mistakes in who I shared them with. Show a little vulnerability, and people will exploit it. Some will, at least. Those were the kinds of people I met and was sorry to have met. I loved some of them, for reasons that still elude me.

I do feel very messed up sometimes. I'm not sure why. I think everyone has such struggles. If it's not this, it's something else. I'm not sure when or where I got the idea that I was different than everyone else, that I was strange. But I've always felt it.

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