Tired of living

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TolstoiFan - 41-45 years old - female

Posted by TolstoiFan
on August 26th, 2012 at 4:54 PM

I have been trying to keep a stiff upper lip but life has gotten me down. I'm tired of it. Tired of being tired. Tired of being so sick. Tired of praying for energy or health only to get another disease. Tired of praying for funds to live , to do the basics, only to suffer more lack. I'm too tired and in pain to clean my house and do not have enough money to pay anyone else to do it. So I'm confined to living in filth. I hate it. There was a time when I kept an immaculate house and garden, did all the yard work myself, planted trees, fed the goats and chickens, did canning, etc. etc. I am only 45 years old but I feel like I am 95. I wish God would just take my life already. I had a sleep study done and am waiting for the results. I'm pretty sure I have sleep apnea. I wake up grasping for air so many times and I just sit up and cry because I can't breath when I'm sleeping. The weight gain from seroquel depresses me and as Jimmy Hendrix said " Manic depression's a frustrating mess." My meds are not stabilizing me yet and I have worked hard with my psychiatrist to get them stable. What is it going to take? Is there any hope? Why did God have to take away the things I liked about myself, my creativity, my productivity. I'm done. I feel like crawling under the covers and just waiting for it to all be over. Just getting a bath exhausts me. I want to be strong, thin, creative, productive. I want to adopt a child or two and be a good wife. My physical and mental health will not allow me to do any of these things and I have absolutely nothing to base a good self-esteem on anymore. I hate myself and my life. Thanks a lot God for answering all my prayers. Why did I bother?

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4 Comments (add your own)

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  1. LeroyJ - 26-30 years old - male

    Posted by LeroyJ on August 26th, 2012 at 5:03 PM

    Dont give up, I would recommend going to a Christian church around your house and getting into the Word of God. Also, continue seeing your psychiatrist and tell him how you are currently feeling, maybe he can switch your medications to ones that help you more. There is hope, never give up, do these 2 things and I bet you will feel better. Take it one day at a time.

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  2. TolstoiFan - 41-45 years old - female

    Reply by TolstoiFan Aug 26th, 2012 at 7:31PM

    Thank you. I will take your advice. I think my meds need a bit of tweaking and I need to find a church close to my house. The church I go to is so far away that most sundays I can't afford the gas to get there. Take care:)


  3. jxbeln - 22-25 years old - male

    Posted by jxbeln on August 26th, 2012 at 5:04 PM

    DON'T BLAME GOD it's not the end for you...remember that this life is temperary so with that being said keep the faith is in these times that staying close to god is a test of how much you love him ...great rewards are given to those who favor god but in your eternal life

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  4. TolstoiFan - 41-45 years old - female

    Reply by TolstoiFan Aug 26th, 2012 at 7:33PM

    Thank you. I know it isn't really God's fault. I just get so frustrated. Things arent' as bad as i made them seem. The tiredness makes it hard to have a clear perspective. I do believe God will allow me to adopt a couple of kids. AFter a rough life I now have a wonderful husband who thinks I'd be a good mom. His belief in me really floors me because no one in my family of origin gives me credit for being a competant person. Thank you for your compassion.


  5. jxbeln - 22-25 years old - male

    Posted by jxbeln on August 26th, 2012 at 5:04 PM

    bless you

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  6. jxbeln - 22-25 years old - male

    Posted by jxbeln on August 27th, 2012 at 2:09 PM

    god bless you=) you're welcome

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

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