Posted by TolstoiFan
on August 26th, 2012 at 4:54 PM
I have been trying to keep a stiff upper lip but life has gotten me down. I'm tired of it. Tired of being tired. Tired of being so sick. Tired of praying for energy or health only to get another disease. Tired of praying for funds to live , to do the basics, only to suffer more lack. I'm too tired and in pain to clean my house and do not have enough money to pay anyone else to do it. So I'm confined to living in filth. I hate it. There was a time when I kept an immaculate house and garden, did all the yard work myself, planted trees, fed the goats and chickens, did canning, etc. etc. I am only 45 years old but I feel like I am 95. I wish God would just take my life already. I had a sleep study done and am waiting for the results. I'm pretty sure I have sleep apnea. I wake up grasping for air so many times and I just sit up and cry because I can't breath when I'm sleeping. The weight gain from seroquel depresses me and as Jimmy Hendrix said " Manic depression's a frustrating mess." My meds are not stabilizing me yet and I have worked hard with my psychiatrist to get them stable. What is it going to take? Is there any hope? Why did God have to take away the things I liked about myself, my creativity, my productivity. I'm done. I feel like crawling under the covers and just waiting for it to all be over. Just getting a bath exhausts me. I want to be strong, thin, creative, productive. I want to adopt a child or two and be a good wife. My physical and mental health will not allow me to do any of these things and I have absolutely nothing to base a good self-esteem on anymore. I hate myself and my life. Thanks a lot God for answering all my prayers. Why did I bother?
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