What my heart desires

I have dreams , wishes, goals, desires, but I don't know what a desire fulfilled feels like. I lived life taking my joy in seeing others happy. I enjoy making the dreams of others reality. Now I want to do the same for me, but I stumble, fall and fail at every turn. Am I so afraid of enjoying something because then I might have something else to lose. Something someone else could sabbatages or steal? Who is this cold vicious beast lashing at any the one I love the most. I think I was ok with not spending life together in love. I mean, why would you want someone so broken? But I dared for one bit to believe that I deserved something in life. That is a new feeling for me. I have never felt entitled to anything and certainly not worthy. But you came into my life and made me feel, for the first time that I had value and deserves good things and happiness. I finally let you in after all the running I tried to do. I finally believed I mighty actually deserve your kindness, your friendship. Is it any wonder I nearly hated you for taking it from me and making me feel I really did have no value after all? I don't know what to think or how to feel. My emotions are all over the place right now. I am very angry too because this has taken its toll on my health. I'm sick again after working so hard to regain my strength. I have grieved long enough. I do know I didn't deserve this. If its what you needed, then I hope it's helping. They need at least one of us to be well. I will always be grateful. Beyond that, I'm lost. I really do feel like I lost my best friend. I am working my butt off to succeed for there same, but I lost my love and passion for what I am doing. Now it's just a job. Do I say that to make you feel bad? I really don't know, but it's eating me up staying inside. I miss the you I once knew.