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fear turns to adrenaline turns to exciment

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CAnnesdad - 41-45 years old - male

Posted by CAnnesdad
on September 8th, 2012 at 11:16 PM

We live in anyone acreage community outside of town. Folks can shoot if they need
or want to. Well, someone close pulled the trigger tonight. I was out the door, pistol in one hand, short 20 Guauge in the other. I was protecting my family in a heartbeat of thought. Then as I cleared the buildings and yard, I actually found myself looking for an intruder. Then as I double checked, I realized I was hoping for one. It has been 5 1/2 years and I still get a rush from possible combat situations. Wow, now there's a question for me... am I a trained killer with no hope of recovery or control? Or does will my training just come thru and make me a better protector?

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2 Comments (add your own)

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  1. SpliceofLife - 66-70 years old

    Posted by SpliceofLife on September 8th, 2012 at 11:50 PM

    I am assuming you were in military (although I know that is a very bad thing to do; assuming.) But this confession reached out to me.

    I have often wondered how one would adapt to civilian life after being having served active duty.

    What you say makes sense, "Then as I double checked, I realized I was hoping for one."

    One would have to think that on some level you would miss the adrenaline high, that surge of excitement when you go on high alert.

    Kudos, it sounds like you keep it checked and for what it's worth, I think "ur training will come thru and make you a better protector" being highly alert in this day and time is not a bad thing.

    I would hope that having been chosen to be a trained killer, they seen in you a solid mind capable of dealing down the road.

    On the other hand, I have no idea how you cope with what you know. I can barely cope with my life (don't ask, but know I am a VERY strong person. haha, nooooo. not physically strong.)

    But I've seen far far too many really bad things- of the blood and guts variety. I can't even imagine what it would be like being in a war, even more specifically a trained killer.

    Keeping a tap on that is extraordinary. You are an amazing man.

    Bless your heart and thank you for serving.

    Reply | 3dislike | Flag

  2. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User May 25th, 2015 at 1:24AM

  3. SpliceofLife - 66-70 years old

    Posted by SpliceofLife on September 8th, 2012 at 11:57 PM

    edit: after being IN, having served active duty.

    (haha, for a writing factory, the tools here really suck.)

    Reply | 2dislike | Flag

  4. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User May 25th, 2015 at 1:24AM

  5. CAnnesdad - 41-45 years old - male

    Reply by CAnnesdad Sep 9th, 2012 at 12:20AM

    Thanks. You are absolutely right (even the tools :)) Every infantry soldier is trained to kill. Some just get more of a chance to practice it. Unfortunately, no, the military only does psychological profiles on the special units. No one even thinks about the average soldier, not until it's too late and they come home and hurt somebody. The programs at the VA are getting better by the day, literally, but that is still not preventative. I have ptsd, now into recovery instead of disorder, but I have a great team of Drs too. They deserve alot of the credit. Thanks so much for your comment and support.


  6. SpliceofLife - 66-70 years old

    Reply by SpliceofLife Sep 9th, 2012 at 1:00AM

    Always. And keep in mind, most people here at home really do care more about you guys then you probably assume. I once happened on a kid that was totally freaking out (i used to op in a grief chat) anyway, this kid was going to suicide (this is one of the times I honest to God felt the situation was VERY REAL. He kept telling me he couldn't tell me anything because they sign a gag order?? but this kid finally got to talking and he had, lets just say encountered one of the most gruesome tasks out there-- he was actually at home then as he had been hurt in a bombing (which was another horror story all in itself to me, but that wasn't of any concern to him atm) and from what he said he finally had time to think* about what he'd done that day. I spent all night talking to the kid, I think I talked him out of it, I often wonder what happened to him; even if he got thru that night, it's not like the memory was gone. I can't believe they can send our kids over there to do things like that when they won't even let them DRINK, total wtf moment. But anyway, the point I was trying to get across was, I think it is because the general public really has no comprehension of what is going on, nobody will talk about it, so they just have no real way to understand, or express concern... but don't think we're sitting here not wondering/worried, we do/are. GB


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