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I'm not actually a good p...

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lovelynne - 16-18 years old - female

Posted by lovelynne
on October 18th, 2007 at 10:38 PM


I'm not actually a good person. People look at me and they may think any number of things; that I'm cute, considerate, kind, funny, compassionate, quiet, quirky. And those things might be true, but what is more true about me than any of those things is what lies beneath myself, and that is the biggest thing of all: I am a liar. I am judgmental and critical. I swear all the time, I'm bitter, upset, and I'm hardly over everything I've been through, even though I would have every single person I know believe that I'm great. And they do. But I'm not. I hate people. I don't really enjoy living. I don't enjoy alot of things in life. I'm bitter and cynical. I am an old woman trapped in an 18 year olds body. It is pretty pitiful, and what is more pitiful than that, is that I pity myself. That's what makes me sick.

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  1. asinkingstone - 31-35 years old - female

    Posted by asinkingstone on November 24th, 2009 at 9:42 PM

    Not sure if you'll get this - your post was from 2007...

    How are things now in your life? I'm asking only because I immediately identified with what you posted. I feel the same way most days...

    Reply | 2dislike | Flag

  2. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 19th, 2014 at 5:03PM

  3. EpiNA - 22-25 years old

    Posted by EpiNA on June 3rd, 2010 at 4:45 PM

    I get it too and feel the same way. I wonder why I feel that way though, ofr me it's something like I feel like i don't deserve the good things in my life ie if only people knew the real me, they wouldn't be my friends or think I"m great at all.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  4. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 19th, 2014 at 5:03PM

  5. kinkynickknack - 26-30 years old - male

    Posted by kinkynickknack on July 15th, 2010 at 1:35 AM

    im a very similar person,i try 2 do right but not because i want 2 but because its expected

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  6. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 19th, 2014 at 5:03PM

  7. noeljordak - 31-35 years old

    Posted by noeljordak on August 26th, 2010 at 11:44 PM

    I found this by googling "I'm not a good person". I'm not a good person. I've hurt people who don't deserve to be hurt, and the fact that I have it in my head that some people deserve to be hurt should tell you a thing or two about myself. I'm the judge and the jury. I've got people convinced that I'm a great person, but if they only knew what I really was, they would distance themselves and become much like those in my past who finally figured it out and walked away. I seclude myself. I imagine a completely different life. I act out scenarios both in my head and behind closed doors. I'm good looking, smart, and can act the part when given the chance, and that is what makes me dangerous. I hate my disposition in life, and I'm always looking for someone to blame for it. I hate where I came from, and I hate who I am. I hate people who are happy, and I'll do whatever it takes to expose them to something that will truly bring them down. I bring drama. I can't go anywhere without starting something, sitting back and watching it play out on it's own momentum. I experience joy in other people's misfortune, and I will do everything imaginably possible to prolong it. I don't understand why I'm this way, but I've never been able to stop it. I deserve to be put down.

    Reply | 2dislike | Flag

  8. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 19th, 2014 at 5:03PM

  9. Flywest30 - 26-30 years old

    Posted by Flywest30 on September 22nd, 2010 at 9:30 AM

    I am an *******, there is no other way about it. I would say I am identical to noeljordak. I can put on a great front and people think I am a nice, happy guy. But inside I am ugly, jaded, bitter, selfish and I do secretly like the misfortune of others. I don't know why or how it came to this, I can't really remember. But I remember a time when I was happy and caring person. I am 30 years old now and all I do is hurt the ones who want to be close to me, then I get them to forgive me by my manipulation skills, then I do it all over again. It is sick, it is cruel, but I can't seem to stop and I don't know why. I think maybe I fear being alone but I also fear getting close to anyone at the same time. It's an awful, horrible cycle, I have hurt so many good people in my life, I need to get help. Because right now I feel I should be and deserve to be alone.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  10. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 19th, 2014 at 5:03PM

  11. WriterGuy2010 - 26-30 years old

    Posted by WriterGuy2010 on November 8th, 2010 at 7:36 PM

    I've come to the same conclusion. I think one thing that I see that we're all good at is communicating to others and being manipulative. I think that we learned this from somewhere. I know that I learned it from church, I don't blame religion, because I don't blame anyone for what I choose to do. Now that I realize what I'm doing I can put in place things to protect those around me, I hope.
    If not, i will live this life alone. That must be ok with me, the sooner I come to grips with this the better off I'll be, i think.
    I will not end my life before it is time, I will use my powers for as much good as I can. I too have hurt people that i've cared very deeply for, hence the feeling that I'm a terrible person. I'm not all that bad, just have some issues to work through. I've found writing to be my greatest medium, it allows me to take on characters and tell my story through the freedom of fiction. If I'm not a good person, so be it. A fictional character can be a bad person and can be counteracted by a really good person, maybe I'm bipolar, who knows? But I do know that there are a LOT of other people that know they are not decent and NEVER come out and admit it, if you ask me, We're pretty awesome for at least taking the time and care to notice that we have destructive tendencies. I look forward to writing a novel or three about my new found understanding of self, maybe one day you'll see it on a bookshelf. Maybe not, that's not going to keep me from writing it though. I will write out my life until my dying breath, maybe through this mission in life, i'll learn and teach others along the way. Maybe I'll learn how not to be manipulative, time will tell, time will tell. The sky's the limit for me!

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  12. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 19th, 2014 at 5:03PM

  13. allison1187 - 22-25 years old - female

    Posted by allison1187 on September 21st, 2011 at 10:47 PM

    I'm not manipulative. I don't see joy in others misfotunes. I'm a bad person, though. I made a terrible mistake when I was 13 and I can never forgive myself. I also had an abortion. I'm twisted. I'm a good person, kind and compassionate at heart. Truly. But, I'm wierd. I think there is something wrong with me. I get eatin alive by sharks, and people who challenge me. I fall for the bait. I make a million mistakes. I wish i could take them back. I want to only do good, but instead I have committed some horendous, stupid acts, without thinking. And regretted them terribly later. It eats away at me.

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  14. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 19th, 2014 at 5:03PM

  15. confessionstotell - 13-15 years old - male

    Posted by confessionstotell on November 4th, 2011 at 3:55 PM

    I really sometimes feel old too and I am only a freshman in high school. But sometimes in my dream way of life I am my age

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  16. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 19th, 2014 at 5:03PM

  17. AlfieSim - 22-25 years old

    Posted by AlfieSim on September 17th, 2012 at 2:45 AM

    I can relate with all of these comments and I don't understand why I am so selfish. When I am alone I am always thinking about how I can be more caring but when I am around people I have horrible thoughts and find myself getting a strange sense of satisfaction when others fail. It just makes me feel better about myself. My selfishness recently resulted in a really awful situation and now I'm riddled with guilt because I know it was all my fault. I knew I was being careless.but all I ever seem to care about is my priorities

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  18. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 19th, 2014 at 5:03PM

  19. AlfieSim - 22-25 years old

    Posted by AlfieSim on September 17th, 2012 at 2:48 AM

    I can relate with all of these comments and I don't understand why I am so selfish. When I am alone I am always thinking about how I can be more caring but when I am around people I have horrible thoughts and find myself getting a strange sense of satisfaction when others fail. It just makes me feel better about myself. My selfishness recently resulted in a really awful situation and now I'm riddled with guilt because I know it was all my fault. I knew I was being careless.but all I ever seem to care about is my priorities

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  20. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 19th, 2014 at 5:03PM

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