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Moose98 - 26-30 years old - female

Posted by Moose98
on September 30th, 2012 at 1:40 AM

If I could forgive myself for having Asperger’s, I would be so much happier. If I could stop hating that part of myself I could go so much farther. If I could just say Moose, it is ok that you are so different. Although, it comes with people that abuse you with words, actions and deceit you are not as different as you feel, or they make it out. There are so many different people in the world who is to say you are so horrible for the ways you are different. If I could just except the fact that people will follow me because I am stemming, video tape me, and make fun of me as I walk to class or to my car I could smile and feel confident in public. I hate the pain I feel because of my stemming If I could just stop and not hurt all the time from the repetitive movement, how much better life would be for me. stemming is destroying my body. I need to except and know that people will see my social weakness and the fact that I am easily to take advantage of and except that they will take the benefit they can of the weaknesses. If I could just love myself, even though I have Asperger’s ,maybe I would not feel so nasty inside. To stop feeling the nasty feeling of being broken would be freeing, to walk past the idea that I am wrong would allow me to feel right for once. I know where I want to be, but I am not there yet. I want to be there, I want to love me, but I don’t. I hate my atomism every day, and hating that part of me, means I hate a large part of myself.

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3 Comments (add your own)

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  1. LoveWings - 22-25 years old - male

    Posted by LoveWings on September 30th, 2012 at 1:50 AM

    oh dear am sry to hear that , and it's not only u i had this in my life so ur not alone , i am a sure that u have something they don't have and they need it that makes u special and so different . i used to live this live till i decided i won't give attention for people only who love me for what i am cuz believe it or not honey not 100% is gonna luv u also not 100% of the other will hate u so ur problem is only that u accept ur self as u are cuz ur r amazing in lots of thing and u know that but cuz of the bad people u hat what make u special and that's wrong be strong and luv ur self for what u are :)

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  2. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Apr 21st, 2015 at 9:21AM

  3. phoebe55 - 46-50 years old - female

    Posted by phoebe55 on October 28th, 2012 at 10:36 PM

    I don't have aspergers, but I know the feeling of being so different. You see, I have multiple personalities. So I get made fun of too, because one moment I can be a 50 year old woman walking down the street and the next moment I can be 4 years old, skipping down the street. Yes, people look at me weird too. And though we try to be as normal as we can in public, we cannot help it when we are different. Different is our normal and I'm fine with that. I know who I am inside. I am kind and compassionate and caring and that's good enough for me. We aren't alone!

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  4. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Apr 21st, 2015 at 9:21AM

  5. GTR1400 - 61-65 years old - male

    Posted by GTR1400 on December 12th, 2012 at 8:03 PM

    Moose, I am realizing that I probably was somewhere along the autism spectrum back before Aspergers was commonly recognized. Not as bad as you, though: not requiring the stimulation. But I was precociously intelligent yet had very, very poor social skills, and was blind to social signals. It was even hard for me to look people in the eye and any little frustration led to me withdrawing. It took a lot of work to learn to accept myself.

    I can just imagine what you are going through! And, it shocks me that people would treat you cruelly. Don't they have any empathy? No realization that they are "normal" only because of the genetic lottery? I am just numb because I have been so angry about the stupidity of cruel people and what you relate is even more degenerate.

    Now, I worry about you. I hope that you will find some friendship and work into a good relationship. Because of my lack of social skills I was an involuntary celibate until age 29 (I did not even date until 28). This is hard because maturing socially and romantically is so important. The lack of relationships shreds self confidence. Yet, for all my experience I do not know what to tell you that can help.

    Self-esteem and determining to like yourself is so very important. Before seeing here that you are autistic all I knew was that you are studying Engineering! Damn, that is hard work and you should be proud of that. Very proud. You do not need to "forgive yourself" for being autistic, you only need to accept it and know that you are working to persevere and give yourself a good life. One thing that helped me accept myself was to engage in things that brought me out of myself and to engage the world - you could say I was saved by engaging in outdoor activities.

    You are already strong, you just need to know that you are valued.

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  6. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Apr 21st, 2015 at 9:21AM

Experience Project is a community based on authenticity, support, and respect. EP encourages you to post with these values in mind.

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