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DarkAngel24 - 13-15 years old - female

Posted by DarkAngel24
on October 2nd, 2012 at 1:27 PM


Its happening again...i can feel it...i thought maybe this time it wouldnt come back, that i had gotten rid of it for good...but its coming back...slowly but surely...it always comes back.
I can see it in the way im just sitting here during class, not working. All of my grades are slipping. I am not confiding in my friends anymore. I sit alone in my room for hours.....i am thinking too much...i can feel it...
I have the best boyfriend i have ever had...and i am simply replying to his messages mindlessly...wondering when he will get sick of me...waiting for him to leave...
I am hating my parents more than ever...although things are going well with my family. No one is drunk, there are no fights, no one is pulling knives, no cops are being called...there is no screaming, no yelling....i hate it...it is the way i always wanted it to be, but it is too late....the fights are already part of my routine, the hiding in my room, the cussing about nothing to no one in particular...the wishing i was anywhere else....and so i HATE that they are "happy", i hate that there is, "nothing wrong". Because there is something wrong, i have lived through it....my whole life is something wrong....i gag when they kiss...when they hold hands or say nice things, my stomach turns, i feel sick...they disgust me....they have ruined my life!!! Why should THEY get to be happy?!? I am still miserable....i still hurt....my past has not changed...
But i am only feeling this way because it is coming back....the darkness inside of me that drowns out every ounce of sunlight....i can feel it, now...here in class...i simply dont care...it is shutting out all other emotions...slowly though...to where i can tell that it is happening....i was stupid to think it wouldnt come back..when has it not?? It is never late, it Always comes....i do not want to be miserable, i do not want to feel pain like this....but i want less to get help...to have someone tell me i have problems, as if i didnt already know...to be put on pills that will never "fix me". Who are they to say i am broken in the first place????
I have been called Bipolar by my own friends...i do not think i am...i do not know what i am...but it is coming back...i am spending to much time waging wars in my mind...lying to myself that i am happy...that there is nothing wrong...i forget that i am me, and so there is Always something wrong...something inside, that is crying, begging to come out and destroy me once and for all....
It is taking its time coming back this time...making it more painful. It is teasing me, saying; if you were strong enough, you could stop me this time....but i am not strong enough...i cannot fight it...i Always lose...i am a loser..against myself....it is eating me up, slowly...it is drowning me and taking its own sweet time with it...chewing me up, piece by piece....i should have known it would come back...
Am i Bipolar??? Happy and then miserable....am i just another lost cause???....i do not know....i do not want to learn....but it is eating me up slowly....surely...silently...year by year, getting more and more lethal...and one day....
It will kill me....

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