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A killer

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queenofthegreatescape - 18-21 years old - female

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Posted by queenofthegreatescape
on October 11th, 2012 at 10:59 PM


To start off... my mother has sarcoidosis Its a inflammatory disease. Its really hard on my mom. The change of Seasons  and even stress can trigger her sickness. Its sad to see when she does have bad days.

I have been out to my family for a long while. They have strong religious back ground but I don't need to go into that.  Point Is, they don't agree with my lifestyle. I'm usually OK and move on, not get bothered by what my parents say.
........
This one time........

It hurt..... 
..........

My mom and said to me That ever since I came out to my family, she has been stressed and In turn gotten her sick. ...... I'm making my mom sick...... she had then told me that she'd rather die than see me continue in my lifestyle......




 I have never felt so guilty. So terrible. I makes me sick each time I think about it.
Am I a killer? Have I broken my mothers heart and soul? She said the worst thing . 
I feel terrible and won't ever let her known that... in fact, This is the first time I'm letting my thoughts and feelings out about this.  

So... here is my confession.... I killed my mother's heart and soul.....


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5 Comments (add your own)

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  1. mattytsi - 36-40 years old - male

    Posted by mattytsi on October 12th, 2012 at 7:36 AM

    Ur mother is wrong in saying such a thing to you! I would guess your mother has become selfish and full of self pitty because of her affliction, and the attention that comes with it. I would say she is not behavong as her real self, if she were she woyld respect that you are your own person, and love and cherish you no matter your decisions. Knowing you have to live your life the way you see fit.

    Also understanding you could change at anytime.

    Just some points for you to ponder..

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  2. queenofthegreatescape - 18-21 years old - female

    Reply by queenofthegreatescape Oct 14th, 2012 at 9:31PM

    That i could change at any time?? i dont expect you to understand. You have obviously never been an out law of love. A point for you to ponder..

    Reply

  3. Poodlelez - 22-25 years old - female

    Posted by Poodlelez on October 16th, 2012 at 12:16 AM

    Sweety, you are not a killer, none of this is your fault. how could it be? your sexual preference is not a CHOICE its part of you. It's not your fault and it's not A fault. Neither is it your fault that your mother cannot see that. Even if she is ignorent of the facts it still saddens me to think that she could belive you would ever CHOSE something that would hurt her. You are not the causse of her pain , its her misguided belifes that are causeing her pain. Dont forget it Hun. You are an amazeing girl

    Reply | 2dislike | Flag

  4. Posted by An EP User on December 20th, 2012 at 3:37 PM

    You are who you are. They are who they are. Sometimes who people are just are not compatible. In most cases we just avoid each other when that happens. When it happens within families, bad things happen.

    Reply | 2dislike | Flag

  5. Posted by An EP User on December 20th, 2012 at 5:01 PM

    My mother in-law plays that game well too. It is a head game by the way, because it's her way of trying to take control of your emotions. She wants you to feel guilty so that you will be and do what she wants. In truth, you have no control over her being sick and you are not to blame. Her lack of acceptance that she can not change you or control you is what is making her sick.



    I would suggest saying these words to your mother, "I love you mom, but I no longer accept your guilt. You need to accept me for who I am."

    Reply | 2dislike | Flag

  6. zoiera - 26-30 years old - female

    Posted by zoiera on April 25th, 2013 at 11:19 PM

    I think it would be better if you talk with your mom about it. This would make you understand her more and this would definitely make her understand you more.



    I know it's not always easy to open up a conversation like this with your mom, but the thing is, basing our thoughts in some passing thoughts that people just accidentally mentioned in the heat of the moment would or usually gives us the wrong idea. Sometimes understanding what she really meant is necessary for us to really understand her feelings.



    Also, you might be thinking that your mom is actually blaming you for her sickness or whatever, but I honestly don't think that it is the case. based from your story, it's more like she is blaming herself because you end up to be like that. See, even in here we tend to see things differently, so I guess it would really be better if you ask her. I strongly believe that knowing the truth would set you free.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

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