Can I really keep posting on this site?

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Sparrowhawk1161 - 51-55 years old

Posted by Sparrowhawk1161
on October 25th, 2012 at 11:56 PM

I really don’t want to put this down. I really don’t. You see, if people knew this, they might judge me. And, the last thing I want is for people to judge me. For everything I put down on this site goes through the whole world… millions upon millions of viewers who can say anything they want to.

They might get mad at me… become sarcastic… or hate me totally! So, how can I in my right mind keep posting?

It’s simple. I drink. I drink because it lifts my depression and anxiety and allows me to be LESS critical of myself and fearful. It actually allows me to have a gateway into myself and creates something which comes out on the site.

The drinking creates a chance I can actually post something down.

Why is this important?

When I wake up in the morning, I am no longer under the influence… and then I feel different. I am much more cautious; more reserved and even frightened of looking to see who might have replied to my ramblings. (The only reason why I can write so much and in so much detail is I am free to do so. No alcohol? I become more cryptic. Cynical. Reserved and cautious.)

This is a problem. If I stop this drinking… I don’t post. If I drink… I have enough nerve to post.

It’s the anxiety and depression. My anxiety is directly related to what people think of me. I have a big time vulnerability complex which I have had… well since the time I was born… basically because I was taught by my parents to be afraid of everything… starting with them and their unpredictable nature. This spilled over into life in general. Murphy’s law, “What can GO wrong, Will GO wrong“ is so engrained in me…I will never trust anything… because anything is out to get me… And all I do is try to reason it out with logic to find an answer… to no avail… It’s basically subconscious. I see the world and I dread it… not knowing why. I am a lonely hermit! It cost me everything.. Jobs, a beautiful wife and the family I really wanted.

If I am rejected, I retreat BIG TIME! If this happens, you might not see me again. Yet, the alcohol subjects me to much loser disposition and I can just comment all I want!

So, what do I do? Drink and comment on the site, or stop drinking and no longer comment on the site.

The right answer is completely obvious and has always been that. If you are on meds, you don’t drink… no matter the intake… even if you’re not drunk. It’s like playing with fire. Eventually you will get burned! And, such a thing is disastrous. Yet, what do I do?

I do not want to comment on this site unless everyone is nice to me. I don’t like rejection. Yet, if this is the case and I don’t drink, how can I be on the site and try to help you?

It’s like this! Be on the site, help others and drink somewhat to get the nerve to be social or don’t drink and never be on the site.

It’s happened before. I stop this and I see one negative thing… and, I am history on the site. I drink… and negative things have less of an impact and I am on the site.

I am so scared to do this without drinking. I might sound completely different than I do now and push you all away. It’s the last thing I want to do!

I know the answer… not drink… but what do I do about the site?

Vote up! 1

2 Comments (add your own)

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  1. MyModAdventure - 31-35 years old - female

    Posted by MyModAdventure on October 26th, 2012 at 12:09 AM

    Sounds like you are too critical of yourself. If you are commenting on the site, I'm assuming it's to help others. I hope that you can find a balance between the safety that you feel alcohol gives you and your insecurities.

    Reply | 2dislike | Flag

  2. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Apr 26th, 2015 at 8:13PM

  3. FeelingFortunate - 31-35 years old

    Posted by FeelingFortunate on October 26th, 2012 at 12:17 AM

    Maybe the answer is to allow yourself to get hurt emotionally. Let it happen again and again. Because you can't avoid it, no matter what you try. Trying to avoid being hurt, you push people away. And that causes more hurt. Why not break the cycle? Practice accepting others' criticism. Realize that other people can be unfair, they can misunderstand you. Sometimes, their comments are just wrong and it isn't really about you. It could be good to find anonymous online situations where you can be criticized, so that you can decide when to turn off the computer and walk away. That way, there is still hurt... but you have some control over it. At first, I'm sure the criticism will bother you and hurt, a lot. It will be difficult to stop thinking about it. But if you keep at it, facing the negative comments of others, you will build up a tolerance. Gradually, you will gain perspective. And the hurt can begin to subside.

    To be honest, the reason I responded to your post is because I'm concerned. I'm a neuroscience student and currently researching the effects of alcohol on the brain. Trust me please... it isn't good. Abusing alcohol will slowly damage nearly every part of your brain. Particularly, your ability to make responsible plans for the future and control emotional impulses will gradually decline. Your short term memory will start to go. Not to mention the damage to your liver. Alcohol is a nasty drug. Please, please think about this. When you stop drinking, some of the damage can reverse itself and much more can be prevented.

    I know that it's so tempting to dull the pain. But maybe there are other ways to do this. Let your psychiatrist know that the meds you're on are not working. If he or she isn't eager to work with you to find a combination of medications that do work... find a different psychiatrist. You are a valuable person. Deep down, I'm sure you know this. You need to take care of yourself. What you're doing right now will ultimately lead to more hurt. You can turn this around.

    Reply | 2dislike | Flag

  4. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Apr 26th, 2015 at 8:13PM

  5. Sparrowhawk1161 - 51-55 years old

    Reply by Sparrowhawk1161 Oct 26th, 2012 at 2:00AM

    Thanks. You have a heart felt reply and insite. It isn't as simple as that for me... yet, everything that is said is extremely important! Others need to know this, too! One of the most important thing you put down is: Alcohol is a drug! It acts like a drug. If anyone on alcohol beleives they are not an addict, they are fooling themselves. It's a drug. I am not trying to sway this away from me and my own problems. But your answers are important to everyone who has to deal with alcohol. Thank you.


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