I really don’t want to put this down. I really don’t. You see, if people knew this, they might judge me. And, the last thing I want is for people to judge me. For everything I put down on this site goes through the whole world… millions upon millions of viewers who can say anything they want to.
They might get mad at me… become sarcastic… or hate me totally! So, how can I in my right mind keep posting?
It’s simple. I drink. I drink because it lifts my depression and anxiety and allows me to be LESS critical of myself and fearful. It actually allows me to have a gateway into myself and creates something which comes out on the site.
The drinking creates a chance I can actually post something down.
Why is this important?
When I wake up in the morning, I am no longer under the influence… and then I feel different. I am much more cautious; more reserved and even frightened of looking to see who might have replied to my ramblings. (The only reason why I can write so much and in so much detail is I am free to do so. No alcohol? I become more cryptic. Cynical. Reserved and cautious.)
This is a problem. If I stop this drinking… I don’t post. If I drink… I have enough nerve to post.
It’s the anxiety and depression. My anxiety is directly related to what people think of me. I have a big time vulnerability complex which I have had… well since the time I was born… basically because I was taught by my parents to be afraid of everything… starting with them and their unpredictable nature. This spilled over into life in general. Murphy’s law, “What can GO wrong, Will GO wrong“ is so engrained in me…I will never trust anything… because anything is out to get me… And all I do is try to reason it out with logic to find an answer… to no avail… It’s basically subconscious. I see the world and I dread it… not knowing why. I am a lonely hermit! It cost me everything.. Jobs, a beautiful wife and the family I really wanted.
If I am rejected, I retreat BIG TIME! If this happens, you might not see me again. Yet, the alcohol subjects me to much loser disposition and I can just comment all I want!
So, what do I do? Drink and comment on the site, or stop drinking and no longer comment on the site.
The right answer is completely obvious and has always been that. If you are on meds, you don’t drink… no matter the intake… even if you’re not drunk. It’s like playing with fire. Eventually you will get burned! And, such a thing is disastrous. Yet, what do I do?
I do not want to comment on this site unless everyone is nice to me. I don’t like rejection. Yet, if this is the case and I don’t drink, how can I be on the site and try to help you?
It’s like this! Be on the site, help others and drink somewhat to get the nerve to be social or don’t drink and never be on the site.
It’s happened before. I stop this and I see one negative thing… and, I am history on the site. I drink… and negative things have less of an impact and I am on the site.
I am so scared to do this without drinking. I might sound completely different than I do now and push you all away. It’s the last thing I want to do!
I know the answer… not drink… but what do I do about the site?