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The words I can never say out loud...

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Anonymous User

Posted by Anonymous
on November 1st, 2012 at 4:47 PM


I don't enjoy being a mother , and it's making me depressed. It's not the other way around, like everyone keeps trying to tell me.
I love my kids, I do, but I utterly and completely hate how meaningless and empty they make my life. My existence has been reduced to cleaning & maintenance. There is no time, money or energy left for me any more. I wish I could go back & undo everything. I just want to be myself again. Being a mother is a horrible experience!
I would rather be completely alone in the world, than have kids & a husband. These people invade my space & destroy me with their demands and expectations. What about ME....? There is nothing left.
I could have been something, someone, once. Now I feel like a shell, stuffed with housework and responsibility to others.

Vote up! 6

10 Comments (add your own)

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  1. rjschoch - 36-40 years old - male

    Posted by rjschoch on November 1st, 2012 at 5:01 PM

    yup your single life style days are over in reality,,,you can always have a fantacy and be single again with no childern but then you would miss them,, lol

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  2. msvie - 26-30 years old - female

    Reply by msvie Nov 29th, 2012 at 6:10PM

    You are right, I would miss them most sorely, and that is the only reason I haven't given them away to someone who could (as I see it) love them "properly" (whatever that is, huh...)

    Reply Delete

  3. rjschoch - 36-40 years old - male

    Reply by rjschoch Nov 29th, 2012 at 6:16PM

    would you like to escape to another lovers arms at times

    Reply Delete

  4. Posted by An EP User on November 1st, 2012 at 5:10 PM

    God almighty women .. What is wrong with you ... If you don't like kids do not have them .. Bloody out of order posting **** like that .. When they grow up you can do what you want stop being negative .. And look for the beauty in keeping them safe and enjoying your own time too .. X

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  5. msvie - 26-30 years old - female

    Reply by msvie Nov 29th, 2012 at 6:12PM

    Actually, as I replied to starrelite above, I had a very warped and unrealistic view of what parenting & having kids would be like, and it's taken me years to realise that there's nothing wrong with me, it's simply what is so: I'm not a natural parent, and would have chosen differently, had I truly understood the choices I was making when choosing to have children.

    Reply Delete

  6. Sharkattackbate - 46-50 years old - female

    Reply by Sharkattackbate Nov 29th, 2012 at 7:12PM

    I understand that but you have them know and that's that, if they read what you wrote they would be hurt and I don't think you want that. in no way do I think your bad or am judging you .. I ain't god . But try and understand once you have children they are for life and love is your responsibility to them .. Hope when they grow you get a chance to live life doing for you more it will come .. X

    Reply Delete

  7. SHWA - 36-40 years old - female

    Posted by SHWA on November 1st, 2012 at 10:16 PM

    I remember thinking this. I remember searching confessions for this. But I don't remember actually writing about this. Maybe I did? .... no. I wouldn't have the bravery to do so. Honey, I hear your heart.

    Reply | 2dislike | Flag

  8. msvie - 26-30 years old - female

    Reply by msvie Nov 29th, 2012 at 6:15PM

    Thank you, I appreciate not being alone in my shoes. I hope you, me and everyone like us can find the support to do the hardest job in the world, just as we are, without judgement or demands that we change who we are & how we feel.

    Reply Delete

  9. tooting - 66-70 years old

    Posted by tooting on November 1st, 2012 at 11:12 PM

    Are you lazy, self-centered, depressed? Do you think your children cannot feel your distance and unhappiness and do not blame themselves, wondering if you really love them except now & then when it might satisfy you? Please do not harm them or think actions (or the lack thereof) speak louder than words. Do you think of them as just possessions and obligations? Maybe you experienced that from one of your parents, or do you think you are entitled to love & attention & to be yourself, and that they don't have rights...just will have to adapt or accept wherever this takes them. Do you fear failing or are you failing in this role? Certainly they require the love & care of those who would cherish each moment with them & consider it a honor to parent them, in your place. You need to talk to a professional before it's too late for them & you, rather than have them live fragmented lives & undeserved guilt. Just giving birth doesn't make a good mother, anymore than not giving birth prevents these from making good mothers. I bet you would fight if someone ought even joint custody, even to give you time for yourself (or to get your priorities straight,) and the children the time, love, focus and example of selfless, constant devotion.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  10. tooting - 66-70 years old

    Reply by tooting Nov 1st, 2012 at 11:35PM

    Maybe you could explain to them that you are unhappy & it's not their fault, and that you want them to be happy & well cared for and continue to see them. Surprise perhaps, but no one ever said parenting or anything else didn't require hard work. Oh, and God didn't make this world to revolve around any of us; only He can do as He pleases, because Father knows best & is all-knowing, all-seeing, and able to open your heart if you are able to trust & obey & submit to Him only. You can fight it and suffer pain, emptiness, or humble & confess to Him and surrender & let Him begin His perfect will for your life. It seems you think you have the 'right' to gain more by seeking to do whatever pleases you. I true mother would not be jealous or resentful of the children she delivered. I commend you for making this confession though, it must (or likely) be one small step toward humility and seeking the truth. God loves you even more than you love yourself or anyone else ever could...and He's listening. Just try talking to Him and asking Him to direct you and give you whatever He sees you need & wait, without complaining, for Him to do so. I pray The Lord God Almighty will have mercy on you & your children, in Jesus Christ's name.

    Reply Delete

  11. msvie - 26-30 years old - female

    Reply by msvie Nov 29th, 2012 at 6:25PM

    Not lazy, no - or I wouldn't go to bed completely exhausted at the end of every day. Not self-centred either: if I don't think of me, & "put my own oxygen mask on first" how will I have anything left to offer others? Depressed, yes. I am aware that I am currently suffering PND (Post-Natal Depression) but while that is an explanation, it doesn't provide me with any kind of action plan to get through this. I pride myself of making sure my children feel that I love them above all else that I may make them feel, and I know they know this by the things they say & do. My children certainly are obligations/responsibilities - one has ADHD, one is Autistic, and the last is a very needy 5mths old (as is every baby at such a young age) but not posessions, no. They are very much individuals and people in their own right. Yes, I would fight for the custody of my children if it was in question, because honestly, I don't know who I am without them. And this is a distinct problem for me. Thank you for offering your thoughts on this matter, I appreciate it.

    Reply Delete

  12. averagewoman1 - 41-45 years old

    Posted by averagewoman1 on November 2nd, 2012 at 4:55 AM

    I'm a mom and also have had similar feelings. Such feelings are very difficult to admit to yourself, much less to anyone else! Society places a lot of pressure on mothers and allows very little outlet for negative feelings, even though EVERY relationship has ups and downs, including the relationship between mothers and their children.

    In my case, I realized that the negative feelings had built up over time, because I didn't make enough time for myself. I gave all my time and energy to taking care of others, and had nothing left for myself. Things started getting better when I decided to take active responsibility for my own happiness as well. Moms deserve to treat themselves at least as well as they treat their families. To make time for myself, I delegated some of my household chores to my family. It wasn't easy at first, but I held my ground. I was open with them about my need for personal time--it was that, or a breakdown! I began to read again, and signed up for a creative class once a week. The class was a good way to meet new people and cultivate my own personal "garden". With time, my anger and depression lifted, and now I, and my whole family, feel much better. Maybe some of this could help you, too. Be your own best friend! You deserve it.

    Reply | 2dislike | Flag

  13. averagewoman1 - 41-45 years old

    Posted by averagewoman1 on November 2nd, 2012 at 5:29 AM

    In case you're interested, two recent studies conducted by RIchard EIback and Steven Mock, psychologists at the University of Waterloo, Ontario demonstrate that parents tend to exaggerate the joys of parenthood. In line with cognitive dissonance theory, people are highly motivated to justify, deny or rationalize to reduce the cognitive discomfort of holding conflicting ideas. The results of the study in a nutshell: it's so economically and emotionally draining to have kids that people tend to go over the top convincing themselves that the financial and emotional benefits are much greater than they really are in order to justify their choice to have children in the first place. In short, kids ARE draining, for just about everyone, but they DENY it. So you are NOT alone, but feel alone, because you are at a point where you can no longer delude yourself, while being surrounded by people (acquaintances and society in general) who continue to delude themselves more effectively than you.

    That doesn't mean that you can't do things to make your life better. You've realized that you can't continue to be "super mom" and "super wife" without giving yourself short shrift. Recognizing the problem is the first step toward a solution.

    Reply | 3dislike | Flag

  14. Paul206 - 31-35 years old - male

    Posted by Paul206 on November 2nd, 2012 at 2:18 PM

    You are a woman and it's your nature, don't complain about your life. Women shouldn't expect more from their life except to satisfy men and provide them with open legs. That what women are for.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  15. morninghalo - 31-35 years old - female

    Reply by morninghalo Nov 2nd, 2012 at 4:53PM

    You, sir are a tool. You. Are. A. Tool.

    Reply Delete

  16. Satsumacake - 26-30 years old - female

    Reply by Satsumacake Nov 29th, 2012 at 5:45PM

    hahaha troll - way to never get laid (by a woman, anyway).

    Reply Delete

  17. losingbattles - 31-35 years old - male

    Posted by losingbattles on November 2nd, 2012 at 4:11 PM

    For starters - the confession. The first step to solving any problem is to first identify the problem. Congratulations on taking the first step. Regardless of the pace by which you arrive at the second step, you will eventually arrive and no longer be able to lie to yourself about it. Second, you have to actually take responsibility for your part in how that 'problem' came to be. I certainly know that we all come to conclusions about how we are victims and we live out that belief, but there will come a time when you're going to have to look at yourself. You're going to have to realize that you had the power to change things by your own actions. Granted, you certainly have every right to feel as you do. That's part of being human. But, when you learn that others have rights too, you become the type of human others can respect and love. I'm an alcoholic. I used to think that I would get drunk because others in my life did horrible things that ruined my life. I used to blame everyone for what they did to me and wave my victim banner high and proud. This 'world' was out to get me. This 'world' was unfair. I told everyone who would disagree - to walk a mile in my shoes and see if they didn't end up drinking too. But something changed when I started going to regular alcoholic meetings. Something inside started to break down when I started to open up. I'm not writing this to judge you. You have enough resentment inside for both of us.



    Might I illustrate something for a moment? I once tried to convince my therapist that I was angry with the world. I huffed. I puffed. I spilled out all the fragmented details and painted the picture of despair. She then said, "You're not angry." Now, I should tell you that I'm a man. I should tell you that having a woman as a therapist can be taxing on my ego. Who WAS this woman to correct ME? Didn't she know who "I" was? Didn't she KNOW what "I" had been through? Of course I was angry! Then she continued, with more emphasis, "You're not angry, Alex. You're resentful." Now, my Mother was an English major and I prided myself upon 'word play,' but that was my last straw! I argued, "Those are both the SAME!" Needless to say, my protest was in vain and I was about to be humbled to my correct size. "Anger is natural, Alex." she continued, "Resentments are unresolved anger. When you don't deal with your anger, they become resentments." Now, I should let you know that I didn't digest that truth all at once. I had to let it sit. To fester. To brew. How were my 'resentments' interfering with my day-to-day life?



    I was at the point of suicide, drinking myself deep into any bottle of vodka that was strong and cheap. I was hiding out in my car, late at night, isolated and angry with God. Angry with everyone. Pointing fingers. So, I've been there. I know how those shoes feel. But, living a miserable life - punishes ME. I am the only one suffering. I am the only one being tortured. Now, do I advocate ditching your family and living only for yourself? Read the second step again. I don't. You're in a vicious loop, thinking only of yourself. You're thinking, "Me, me, me." What about YOU? What about what "you" did? What about what "you" are currently doing? When you start to take responsibility for what choices you've made, and when you allow others to be who they are, you'll start to see some relief. You posted your confession in hopes that someone would agree with you about your conclusion. Oh, I know exactly where you're at. You're a victim. You want validation. Well, there is a tremendous wake up call coming in the morning. You're only a victim right now, because you're 'choosing' to be a victim. You're a woman and this isn't 1920. It's 2012. You don't HAVE to do dishes. You CAN vote. You're NOT worth less than a man. We have been equals for some time now. You're NOT a victim, or a doormat because others are making you be so. You're CHOOSING to be so. You're suffering from 'lack of perspective.'



    Did your children request to be born? Did they demand that your body become their safe haven to grow arms, legs, their tiny hearts? Did they invade upon YOUR life, or did you create them so that THEY would be forced into YOURS? When you went to the courthouse, did your husband hold a shotgun behind you and force you into marriage? At what point did you stop to say, that people don't actually owe YOU anything? Your kids were NOT meant to serve you. They didn't ask to be born. Your husband does not owe you anything. It was YOU who said yes to his proposal. It was YOUR judgement call to get married, and YOUR judgement call to create life. Now, since my Mother IS an English major, I take careful note that you mentioned "children." That is the plural form of "child" denoting that you've had MORE than one. When I was married to my ex-wife, she cheated on me constantly. She used to say, "IF we had a baby, things would've been different." Now, what kind of twisted logic is THAT? Needless to say, we don't have children and she is now happily married for over three years to the man she cheated on me with. Oh, I was the victim for a long time. But, no one actually forced me to marry her. It was my OWN free will.



    You're not too happy that a drunk had to point this all out to you. I get that. And, you're welcome and entitled to feel however you choose to feel. But, while you're busy adding ME to that list of people who disagree with you - in the end, I'm NOT the one who is going to be punished. You can't see that I'm actually on your side. Helping you. Encouraging you to live a new life free from those chains of resentment. In the end, you're only punishing yourself while those around you are living life. And I hope you do too. Life is worth living. And somehow, it's YOUR responsibility to start 'living' that life ahead of you and find a way to work through everything. I didn't spend the past 45 minutes typing all this for my ego. I typed it because I've been where you are, and there IS a solution. I feel your pain. But, I refuse to agree with your hopeless attitude about life. Start living. Today may be your last day on this Earth. And instead of being miserable and blaming others, you can choose to pursue a solution. The choice really is yours.

    Reply | 2dislike | Flag

  18. morninghalo - 31-35 years old - female

    Posted by morninghalo on November 2nd, 2012 at 5:07 PM

    Listen, there are hills and valleys to parenthood. Triumphs and disappointments. You are having a rough time right now, but it will swing back. You are entitled to our feelings. They are valid. You feel minimized by your role, I get that. Where you used to be a sexy hot Mama, now you are a tired, over-worked under-appreciated Momma. But this will pass. You need to take a time out. Get a massage, give yourself a facial, take a long hot bath, paint your nails, pay attention to yourself, give yourself permission to check out for a bit so that you are not constantly fighting the kids for a moment. You have a very important role. Never think you aren't doing something great. And never, ever let anyone make you feel as if you aren't important. Your kids will still love you if the floor isn't vacuumed and the dishes are stacked up. They will remember you loving them and that is what matters. Take care, momma. It will get better.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  19. MrsBall4Lyfe - 22-25 years old - female

    Posted by MrsBall4Lyfe on November 2nd, 2012 at 8:03 PM

    I had my daughter when I was 17 and my party days have ended because I LOVE her to death, now I'm married with two kids and I love making life happy for them. I'm selfless to a point and my time is when I'm in the car and the bathroom and when they are napping. I don't understand how someone could feel that way about their husband and kids. But u should leave and not subject them to that. My mother was mean when I was a kid and I was glad she left. My father raised me and my brother with all the love we needed. You need to pray sister and figure out what would be the best decision for you and esp your kids. When you took the vows of marriage and motherhood you agreed to submit to your husband and rear good children. I feel sorry that I can't share the joy that I feel with my kids and husband and cooking for them and cleaning and making them smile. Their life basically centers around me and that makes me feel very special and purposeful. Pray that God softens your heart to feel these things. And birth control could be altering your hormones to make you depressed  

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

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