Posted by Anonymous
on November 18th, 2012 at 12:55 PM
You used the word "perfect" or nearly perfect to describe me a few times. I found that odd and so foolish. I can barely find the good in all the darkness of my brokeness, let alone perfection. I so easily see the good in others, but in me, I see little. I resisted friendship with you for so long because you reminded me of many I had met that loved and then left. You pushed open all the doors I quietly shut and hid behind. You earned my trust I never wanted to give you. You won over my heart, though you never wanted it. You stayed though the toughest times. You convinced me that not everyone would abandon me. Then you walked away. I don't know what to do with the pain. When I was little, daddy gave me a ceramic bell. It' only one of two things I ever remember him giving me. It was chipped and broken more than once. I patched up that little bell doll because she was so special to me. One day, I realized she was too broken to be mended. It broke my heart to throw her away. You shattered what was left of me. I don't think you did it on purpose, but you did. I can't seem to find all the pieces. I can't put myself back together again. You and your kindness became a part of me. Those pieces are gone. I never meant to be mean or cruel. I was, at times, I know. I never meant to hurt you anymore than you did me. I don't know what you want from me, except what you asked of me: to leave you alone. It's killing my spirit to say goodbye to so many right now. I never thought I would have to say goodbye to you. It hurt more than any words could ever express to you. He used to hit the kids for spilling milk on accident. That's how I felt, not knowing my real crime. I said I was sorry for the things I knew I did. I just can't take the pain of it all anymore. I'm not saying it to make you feel guilty, but because two words from you could lift my spirits like no other. I never understood how you could "reset" my emotions and put me in balance so easily. I need you. I have lost my will to live, to fight....They need me and I know they do, but I can't handle losing everything I love again. It all happened so suddenly before. This is a hard week for me too. I'm trying to cope in healthy ways, but why did I have to lose you too? I figured we would slowly fade from each others lives with time, but why did you just walk away, knowing what it would do to me. Am I better off dead? Are they better off without me? I am asking myself this daily now. It's hard to grow, to learn, to heal, when life is all about survival. I am in financial struggles, my health is failing...so many changes. I'm tired. I'm hurt and I'm scared. I'm fighting for my last breath. I have somewhere to be, but I'm cared to get behind the wheel. I want nothing more than to stop the pain.
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