lonely as always

we are moving.again.it's a lot of stress and work but I am at times very happy and excited about the moving. A blank canvas. a new life, new hopes.
Though our marriage is dying.
I want to hope, but God I am so lonely and I dont know why a lot of him becomes more and more boring.
I dont admire my husband like I used to, I think he's getting boring and annoying most of the time.
Is it me? is it because I have depression that I can see who he is? or did he change?
I am becoming a terrible mom due to lack of sleep and all the questionning and guilt, should I stay? should I leave and wish for a better life another life?
Sometimes I even got the feeling that maybe staying is sick, staying is not helping me, maybe it's because of my fear to disapoint and hurt everyone I care about.I am getting lost here.Wish things were easier, wish my husband would make me feel something, anything good, but though he is kind he is so careless, cold and unexpressive that I am always why I am still in this relationship.
thank you for reading my sullen rants.