without you i give up

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Caitlinsmith1636 - 18-21 years old - female

Posted by Caitlinsmith1636
on November 25th, 2012 at 10:10 PM

even though you are gone and have been for weeks almost three months i feel like trying to move on is cheating. i feel you inside me like your still near. as i write it almost feels like your staring at my back. i try to keep my self together through the day but find it utterly impossible. i wish there was some way to get you back because i would honestly give up the world to have you back.  i am honestly living my version of hell on earth and find no meaning to life anymore without you. you promised me hat you would love me now and forever and you did but not until my end only until yours. at night all i can do is cuddle up to an  object thinking it is you hoping you will embody it and hug me back as i embrace your jacket and breathe in the ever so familiar smell of smoke that lingers on it. to an asthmatic this is dangerous but to me i have no fear of dying since the only person i had to live for is not living himself. losing you was the last straw and there fore i have given up my fight. honestly i might just let obesity take me. i stopped taking all my medications for asthma and slowly feel like i am falling back into my daze like state which i used to dwell in twenty four seven. i have honestly thought a lot about taking my life since it really is not a life anymore. i once said and wrote in sharpie on my wall "a heart can only take so much before it brakes in half or more pieces. then all that is left is a shell where the person used to be". all i am without you is an empty lifeless shell. i have prayed to be taken and tried to end myself indirectly but nothing works. maybe one day i will gain the strength to live again or to take my own life. which comes first i do not know, but what ever path i end up taking i will regret neither.

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2 Comments (add your own)

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  1. guidospeedo69 - 70+ years old - male

    Posted by guidospeedo69 on November 26th, 2012 at 12:15 AM

    You better not do anything rash!


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  2. Caitlinsmith1636 - 18-21 years old - female

    Reply by Caitlinsmith1636 Nov 26th, 2012 at 12:18AM

    thank you that is very nice of you to care.


  3. guidospeedo69 - 70+ years old - male

    Posted by guidospeedo69 on November 26th, 2012 at 12:27 AM

    I do! I also have stories of love lost and the what if's of relationships. The best thing you can do is realize you have value! Sometimes you can't see it now but you will. You are at an awkward age. Think you NEED a boyfriend and career path. You don't right now. You have plenty of time.

    Enjoy your youth and health. I have heart problems and just had eye surgery. Oh to be your age again.


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  4. Caitlinsmith1636 - 18-21 years old - female

    Reply by Caitlinsmith1636 Nov 26th, 2012 at 12:32AM

    i am sorry i will pray for you then. honestly just saying i don't think i need a boyfriend but to lose someone who was your only true supporter and the only true friend you had without a shadow of a doubt is devastating especially when you had so many plans with that person and now you have to rethink your whole future. i explain it better in my story i write about it. it is extremely long though.


  5. guidospeedo69 - 70+ years old - male

    Reply by guidospeedo69 Nov 26th, 2012 at 12:37AM

    Thanks, I'm a pretty strong guy. The afib I have is controlled by drugs and my eyesight is better. I have also been betrayed by a friend in my past and it ruined my plans also. I found someone else though eventually. Unfortunately she was a heavy drinker and that killed it. Where do you live? I live near Boulder Colorado.


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