Posted by Caitlinsmith1636
on November 25th, 2012 at 10:10 PM
even though you are gone and have been for weeks almost three months i feel like trying to move on is cheating. i feel you inside me like your still near. as i write it almost feels like your staring at my back. i try to keep my self together through the day but find it utterly impossible. i wish there was some way to get you back because i would honestly give up the world to have you back. i am honestly living my version of hell on earth and find no meaning to life anymore without you. you promised me hat you would love me now and forever and you did but not until my end only until yours. at night all i can do is cuddle up to an object thinking it is you hoping you will embody it and hug me back as i embrace your jacket and breathe in the ever so familiar smell of smoke that lingers on it. to an asthmatic this is dangerous but to me i have no fear of dying since the only person i had to live for is not living himself. losing you was the last straw and there fore i have given up my fight. honestly i might just let obesity take me. i stopped taking all my medications for asthma and slowly feel like i am falling back into my daze like state which i used to dwell in twenty four seven. i have honestly thought a lot about taking my life since it really is not a life anymore. i once said and wrote in sharpie on my wall "a heart can only take so much before it brakes in half or more pieces. then all that is left is a shell where the person used to be". all i am without you is an empty lifeless shell. i have prayed to be taken and tried to end myself indirectly but nothing works. maybe one day i will gain the strength to live again or to take my own life. which comes first i do not know, but what ever path i end up taking i will regret neither.
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