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RJ43 - 41-45 years old

Posted by RJ43
on December 16th, 2012 at 3:57 AM


I'm not a strong person at least I don't see my self as having any strength like I had when my mom was at my side. It was 3 and a half years ago she passed and moving on is a long and slow process. I knew with her at my side there was nothing I couldn't do (except find love) in this world. Looking at myself today I realize she gave me the most important tools i would ever need and use in my life. Thing is I feel guilty that I can go on without her she is still with me but now it seems she is even more in tune with me than ever before. Am I wrong to say that I have strength I never expressed while she was here cause now I am fallowing a life long goal. Thing is though shortly before her passing I was on this path and she was coming to terms with my being female. It's funny I never wanted to hurt her and in the last days of her life I found myself being me and hoping she understood . I guess my confession is I feel guilty that I am happy with who I am but I feel guilty cause she isn't here to encourage me to continue.

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  1. Posted by An EP User on December 16th, 2012 at 4:35 AM

    Guilt is a waste of energy. What is the upside? I'm not bashing you, just want you to consider how much time and emotional energy is going into feeling guilty as opposed to using that time and energy to pursue your lifelong goal, for example. Say the roles were reversed and your mom was spending a lot of time and energy on feeling guilty about what she did or didn't do when you were alive. What would you say to her (if you could)? That you're glad she's feeling guilty? She should, after all? You need her to spend her emotional energy on guilt and not remember the support she gave you and be so incredibly glad she supported you instead of rejecting you? I seriously doubt you would advocate on behalf of guilt. And I doubt if your mother in spirit wants you to spend your energy on guilt. Moving on is hard (I survive my dad, stepdad, 3 younger sisters and an infant niece) but guilt definitely does not need to be a companion on the journey. I'd say rethink that one. Again, I don't mean to come off as harsh, just supportive of a positive way of moving forward - without guilt.

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  2. RJ43 - 41-45 years old

    Reply by RJ43 Dec 16th, 2012 at 11:26AM

    I totally understand where your coming from and yes my mom would say I'm wasting time on guilt. I guess it something I have more or less pushed aside but it creeps up now and then and then I remember her words to me about guilt and it can be swept under the rug once more but I don't think I will ever truly be rid of felling at least a little for the thing I wanted to give her but never did. I know she was happy her whole life.

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  3. lightspark - 56-60 years old

    Reply by lightspark Dec 21st, 2012 at 11:20PM

    *I know she was happy her whole life.* !!! Of course I take you at your word. Do you realize how powerful that is?! Your mom was happy her whole life! What in the world do you have to feel guilty about? What is the upside? Believe me, I have done the guilt thing and the most revealing light came in my response to that question. In my case the answer to the question was that there was no upside. By turning to guilt I realized that I got to hang on to my sorrow, my deep, deep sadness which was necessary for me to feel for a time, but which I realized did not serve me for the good as I became stuck and, I'm ashamed to say, pitiful. Pitiful because viewed from outside myself as if I were looking at someone else behaving/thinking the way I was, I had less and less sympathy for the person that focused on the ifs and woulda coulda shouldas. Pitiful. Not commenting on you, only me. You might not be ready to step outside yourself yet, but I can recommend it. Again, I don't want to ready harsh, but we are all going to die: death and taxes, the only guarantees and all that. Mostly we have no say in the when for our dying and if we reach an older age and die before our children (my mom has buried three children - I don't know how she goes on...) and were *happy our whole life* I'd say that good fortune shined on us. Your mom had a decent life, right? And you're mired in guilt? How is this serving you? Ok... I'm done. I am challenging you, obviously. Go deeper. Why do you need this guilt? Don't do this to yourself. Or, go ahead and keep going the way you've been. Hm, which is the one that will serve you best for the rest of YOUR life? ....Not bashing you. Pushing you (more than you bargained for?) to examine. Mom says don't waste energy on guilt and you embrace the guilt? That works for you? *ugly(?) with sarcasm* You are smarter than your emotions. Think. It's ok to feel sadness, but guilt robs you of precious energy you could use in a positive manner. ....In support of your journey

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  4. Ali37sloyalbrattyangel - 31-35 years old - female

    Posted by Ali37sloyalbrattyangel on December 19th, 2013 at 10:56 PM

    My sweetrj I bet she is looking down on you and is very proud of who u become and the process it took you to get there. and i agree guilty is a waste. I am shay and I talking to ilu

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