just to write how i feel for myself....to let something out

if someone would ask me "are you suicidal?" i would laugh. how can u be suicidal when you're already dead inside? suicidal people want to kill everything. they are broken. in every way. but if you don't have nothing to kill? if i had a fairy godmother with 3 magical wishes i could wish...the first would be "Let me understand myself. its too much to walk in the dark. to wake up in one morning and feel amazing...to love life... and the next day to feel completely out. to hate...everything...to hit the walls to broken everything that is in the reach of your hands.... it is the worst not to know what you want, believe me... I never can tell my life story... I tried it once...to a professional person, a therapist, when she started to cry...i quit telling everything. i think about it as nothing. there are people with something even worse to tell. My boyfriend loves me too dearly. I ask myself "why?" i am complicated as hell. i cause him too many problems, i hurt him too much. i am too damaged. i feel so bad. i don't deserve love. i don't want to be here. i am only here cause of my mother. she doesn't have no one.. i can't do this to her. even if i am no more than alive. just a body, a cell.......i need to make sure she is ok