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I haven't told anybody

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Anonymous User

Posted by Anonymous
on January 20th, 2013 at 7:00 PM

I haven't told anybody that I thought of several ways of killing myself. I knew that my grandmother wanted my mother to abort me before I was born, sometimes I wished so hard that she would have done so. I think I've been suffering from depression since I was a child, there are just so many factors that keep piling on top of one another.

I did try to seek help once, I went to a psychologist/therapist at my old college. He seemed impatient with me, and I told him everything as I cried my heart out. But he seemed preoccupied with this stupid TV interview he had coming up. It made me feel stupid in the first place to even bother looking for help. I already started losing sight of any significance in my life anymore. My family and loved ones pulling away from my life. It seems the relationships around me are just falling apart. It doesn't help that I have a load of financial responsibilities weighing me down, I can't even help myself and I have to help my family. I'm a student for crying out loud. I don't even know why my mother had to have another child (me) if she can't even support the family she already has.  I feel more alone than ever. I feel incompetent. I tried so hard to pull myself out of this mess, I tried reading self-help books, looking for some more insight towards a positive life. But it seems my efforts are were useless. Every boyfriend I've had always leaves me for another girl who seems so much better than I could ever be.

There's times which are less worse. But I would still have a small desire to just disappear. Every day I'm really unhappy, I have to struggle to find a way to just make it through. I want to disappear without causing any pain to my loved ones. I wish I didn't have anything stopping me. Is there someone that can relate?

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2 Comments (add your own)

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  1. emerson52 - 56-60 years old - male

    Posted by emerson52 on January 20th, 2013 at 7:48 PM

    Sometime the thought of suicide is not how much you want to die, but how much you are afraid to live. Life is to live, not fear living it----Just as life is to short to hate, so don't hate life. In life there are positive and negative experiences, might not like all the lessons but we learn from them all----that is how wee gain our wisdom and our truth. Admire and appreciate yourself and everyone you know for what you have learned and don't let negatives define you, let the positive truth of your love radiate your being. Google in Fatima the movie and watch it or the clips, true story. Enjoy, My Friend

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  2. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User May 24th, 2015 at 10:36PM

  3. UglyOldTroll - 36-40 years old - male

    Posted by UglyOldTroll on January 20th, 2013 at 8:08 PM

    That psychologist/therapist wasn't much of a psychologist/therapist.

    There was a time when I wanted to just waste away. When I was 9. I didn't brush my teeth for a month and lost several teeth, and I put very little effort into taking a shower. I don't even think my parents noticed I was severely depressed. Eventually my dad said, "Son, you need to brush your teeth" and "You stink. You need to use soap when you shower." So I put more effort into it. I need to post a story about all that. I just keep getting distracted.

    I understand some of what you're going through, but your situation is different than mine was. Middle-class family. My family supported me no matter what financial troubles I got into. I've only ever had one girlfriend when I was 20--lasted a year.

    Most people will say, "Life is hard for everyone," which is unhelpful. I never read a self-help book. I kept imagining it'd just have a bunch of looking in the mirror and saying, "Your a special person." At times I knew what I needed to do to get my life on track, I just didn't know how to start or in what order I needed to do things. Sorry for rambling.

    I wish I knew what to else to say.

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  4. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User May 24th, 2015 at 10:36PM

Experience Project is a community based on authenticity, support, and respect. EP encourages you to post with these values in mind.

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