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Anonymous User

Posted by Anonymous
on January 21st, 2013 at 6:45 PM


I don't know where to start. I have so many problems. I feel I can't be real or truly honest around people. I also feel like it is difficult to truly express my emotions. Most of it comes from fear of who I am. Lately I have been having these recurring thoughts that I may be Transgender or just gay. I don't know. I was born a male and growing up have never really felt the urge to become a girl. I always hung with other dudes, played the role of strong male characters in our make believe games, and it was usually about fighting and such. I also envisioned myself marrying a woman and raising a family as a father. But recently, I have started to take a deeper analysis of my past and I notice there were times where I also did not like to be just like other guys. It makes me feel bad but following the male stereotype was something I looked down upon. I was also much less aggressive. I was able to pretend fight but when it came to contact sports and actual fighting, I was always afraid of getting hurt. I was also a bit more sensitive than most guys. I don't really know anymore. It is not as much as I have this overwhelming desire to be a women but more that I feel like I am not really a guy either. I don't know if this is just a fear or paranoia but now I begin to fake around people sometimes and because of these confused feelings, I feel too guilty to try and date a girl in the fear that I will realize this about myself and completely hurt someone. Sorry that this may not seem too coherent or organized. It was more of a free write. I don't know how to talk to people because as soon as I think about explaining my problems, they seem to just float away like its no big deal, but when I just sit there, there is this small thought in the back of my head that just says something is not right. It keeps me from concentrating and it fills me with a sense of guilt and anxiety that I can't be who I am or I am too afraid to try something new because of these thoughts.

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2 Comments (add your own)

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  1. effensweet - 22-25 years old - male

    Posted by effensweet on January 21st, 2013 at 7:02 PM

    Sounds like you may need some more reflection to do, my friend. Really focus on why you have acted the way you have for all this time, and what behavior would really help you feel more true to yourself. People always have these phases...not saying this is, but questioning who they are, especially in the LGBTQ community. I know I love being a gay man, but I've cross dressed in the past, and it has been fun! Usually for Halloween or rocky horror, but I also know I can't live that way. Each person has their own desires, and you need to start listening to that little push you feel...whatever it may be. If you are interested in my journey, I posted a story called "A Letter to the Biological Matriarch, Ms. Flow." It's all about my discovery of this very confusing, gendered world. And that a lot of people don't fit into those two, simple categories. I also had a dream of being a father one day, and marrying a nice woman. Found out, I could only be their friends, and while dating them, I felt a deep guilt, because I was kind of lying to them...I couldn't give them the passion they wanted. You're not alone, by any means! Keep up what you're doing. It's good you do it now, instead of being that 40-year old married man, cruising gay bathhouses.

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  2. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 19th, 2014 at 7:27AM

  3. Posted by An EP User on January 21st, 2013 at 8:10 PM

    Seeking is important ...much better than crushing your wife when you announce you are gay or like boy ****. (Just one swell memory of my psycho ex)

    Reply | 1dislike | Flag

  4. Anonymous

    Reply by An EP User Dec 19th, 2014 at 7:27AM

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