Posted by Anonymous
on January 21st, 2013 at 6:45 PM
I don't know where to start. I have so many problems. I feel I can't be real or truly honest around people. I also feel like it is difficult to truly express my emotions. Most of it comes from fear of who I am. Lately I have been having these recurring thoughts that I may be Transgender or just gay. I don't know. I was born a male and growing up have never really felt the urge to become a girl. I always hung with other dudes, played the role of strong male characters in our make believe games, and it was usually about fighting and such. I also envisioned myself marrying a woman and raising a family as a father. But recently, I have started to take a deeper analysis of my past and I notice there were times where I also did not like to be just like other guys. It makes me feel bad but following the male stereotype was something I looked down upon. I was also much less aggressive. I was able to pretend fight but when it came to contact sports and actual fighting, I was always afraid of getting hurt. I was also a bit more sensitive than most guys. I don't really know anymore. It is not as much as I have this overwhelming desire to be a women but more that I feel like I am not really a guy either. I don't know if this is just a fear or paranoia but now I begin to fake around people sometimes and because of these confused feelings, I feel too guilty to try and date a girl in the fear that I will realize this about myself and completely hurt someone. Sorry that this may not seem too coherent or organized. It was more of a free write. I don't know how to talk to people because as soon as I think about explaining my problems, they seem to just float away like its no big deal, but when I just sit there, there is this small thought in the back of my head that just says something is not right. It keeps me from concentrating and it fills me with a sense of guilt and anxiety that I can't be who I am or I am too afraid to try something new because of these thoughts.
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