Wishing to be nothing ...

Hello :)
My confession , maybe no one would read it but am gonna let it out of me 
All the time I have the thought of the reason of why I exist & all those questions 
I used to believe that everything has a reason but seeing everything happening around I don't see a reason
Hope ? what if it was just a way so people would think they stand a chance when they don't really
Heaven ? Hell ? do they really exist ? weren't they just thoughts of escape to people who were treated unfairly in this world
as much as there's beautiful things & dreams & love ... I think I just wish I was nothing 
no soul , nothing .. I wouldn't have to think of what if's or what's going after or why is this happening why am I here ?
Every happy moment pass by I just pause & think then what ? 
and to be honest I have fear , I fear death and I fear life .. I fear the unknown .. fear the loss of who I care for 
all those feelings even if they're love feelings , they feel like a burden 
how could you live a life and you're so unsure & have no idea what's going to happen the next second , that doesn't mean I want to know the future 
I just want to be nothing .. it's peaceful 
for what purpose I exist , why .. I have no idea whatsoever 
It's not a cry for help and am not depressed or feeling lost or unloved 
it's just honestly even if I have a happy life or sad life both ways I'd wish I was nothing...