5 a.m.

I don’t always wake up with sadness. A smiley face…sometimes. When my moods decide to stabilize or elevate. Today, it’s pretty depressing. I should say melancholy. There’s a difference between feeling depressed and melancholy. The first is a feeling of hopelessness and profound helplessness. It is of a much darker shade, mostly almost black, sometimes black, sometimes… black hole; it really has no color. The latter is of a lighter shade – gray I’d say. Faintly, at times, in the background, hints of hopelessness, sadness (mostly profound) and poetic. Like… Satie’s Gymnopedie. Like… floating myself on a still water… clearly reflecting sunlight from above. I float and think of nothing, closing my eyes. Just my sadness with me. Or, sitting by the window and watch from afar the rain drops and hit the window pane.
 
I could not take it. I haven’t fully recovered from the trauma of my father’s death. 5 am. I cried because I didn’t fully cry during the funeral. I didn’t understand. On my bed I kept thinking why, why on my mom’s birthday? Did he hold some deep hatred for her? I am still angry, no matter how much forgiveness I’ve made. Sometimes, you really can’t forgive, can you? 5 am. I sit up and cried. The sky dawning… stars fading. I managed to find 2. A star and a planet gave me tremendous relief. How can something in the sky feel so safe and comforting? Like… home? Always at a distant watching, I know they will never disappear. Even at day time… they are there.